cuddle time

I'm longing for some sweet cuddle time with a little baby right now. I think that is one of the things I miss most about not having our Hope here anymore. That sweet baby smell is like nothing else when you are cuddling with your sleepy baby. Sometimes it's so hard to wait when your heart feels so empty. I know that we are on the right path right now, but I'll be honest in saying that raising $21,000 feels so daunting when I let my mind think about it. I have no doubts that God will provide in one way or another ... it's just the time part that gets met thinking. How much time Lord will we wait for our perfect miracle that you are going to give us?

It's been a year this month that our sweet little Hope came in and changed our lives forever. Words will never express how much I love that little girl. And I still can't describe the emptyness and pain that my heart feels every day that she is not here with us. There were so many people that told me that it would get better with time, that God had a plan and that there was a perfect baby out there for us somewhere. I have no doubt that God has a perfect forever baby out there for us ... but it does not in any way lessen the pain that I feel after we lost Hope. I think that I am able to deal with that loss in a healthier way now than when we first lost her. But the ache of having her not be apart of our lives will never go away. I still pray every day for my little girl to come back home to us. She will forever be apart of our lives.

I'm not going to lie, I'm tired of playing a waiting game. I know that God's timing is perfect ... but I have finally come to the conclusion that I am just not a very patient person. lol We are going to go to Bundle of Hope on Tuesday this week for a CPR training course that we have to take. I am excited to possibly meet some of the staff there. I finished our "Lifebook" online the other day and it should be here by Monday hopefully. We just have a few more documents to turn in and then all we are waiting for is to save and raise enough money to adopt. I am still praying for that miracle. It's hard too because Alya and I are committed to not take out a loan for this adoption. Although, it would be so much easier to just have the money quickly and get our baby even faster ... it's just not something that I believe God is wanting us to do. After going through our Financial Peace University class by Dave Ramsey I feel like it would be like taking a huge giant step backwards from all that we have learned and tried to incorporate into our marriage. I just don't believe that God is going to give us a baby by making us go farther into debt. I know that we get a big tax break at the end of the year, but I would much rather use that money to go into our next adoption fund than to pay off a loan from a bank. I get probably five loan offer emails a day. It drives me mad, because it's such a temptation to click on the email to read what they have to offer ... but I haven't I just immediately delete everything. I'm just praying that through our faith and dedication to wait on God, that He will provide in crazy ways ... soon :0)

For now I guess I will just have to dream about cuddling with my soon to be forever miracle baby. I can't wait for those dreams to become my reality. It will be such a sweet gift to my waiting heart.

just one of those days ...

You know yesterday was just one of those days that just really sucked. I woke up feeling super emotional and hormonal (the joys of being a woman), had a puker at school, had a major incident with stealing to deal with when I got home and I just pretty much had a bad day. It felt like bed time couldn't come fast enough so that I could just sleep the rest of the day away and wake up to hopefully a better one the next day. But you know what ... God was pretty amazing. ha, when isn't he really ... I got a message from a very dear woman in my life saying that they had received one of our support letters in the mail and wanted to contribute towards our adoption fund. It just was a really amazing way for God to be like "Lindsay, even when your day is full of dissappointments and you are too tired to even want to deal with anything, I am still writing your adoption story. I am still providing for you." What a relief that is ... it felt so nice going to bed knowing that even when the world around me is chaotic, God is still holding me close and taking care of the things closest to my heart. Thank you Father for always providing, and for continuing to allow me to see your hands working in my life.