I LOVE Being Home

This week is flying by far too quickly. I have loved every second of being home. Moving back here really needs to happen soon. I hate that not being able to sell our house in Florida is the only thing in the way of us moving. I miss being close to my family. I was telling Alya the other night in the car that I really want our children to grow up here in my home town. We always travel back to Ohio for Christmas ... but I want my kids to grow up being able to celebrate all the Christmas morning traditions in our own comfy home. We have been busy almost every minute of the day visiting family and friends. I love seeing them ... but one week just isn't enough time to visit with everyone as much as I would like to. I love that we were welcomed home with snow covering the ground. It just seems more Christmasey. Everything is just so good right now and I am not looking forward to going back to reality right now. I feel like I'm soaking up every second of my time with my family right now. Although we have been busy visiting everyone, it's still hard not to notice something missing. Our small little bundle of joy that was supposed to snuggling with my family this Christmas. I know that our baby will come ... but my heart is still dealing with our recent loss. There is still that ache in my heart ... and I keep waiting for God to fill it.

Happy Christmas Eve everyone, hope that you are making many memories this Christmas with your families. :0)

'Tis The Season For Pictures

Here are some pictures of our cute little house decorated for Christmas. I LOVE the holidays and decorating our house all up. It will be a sad day when all the decorations have to be put away ... but for now we enjoy ;0)











We left on Friday right after work to drive up to Ohio to spend Christmas with my family. We didn't leave until 5:30pm and got in to Ohio at 7:30 in the morning ... it was a loooooonnnnng drive! But it was so worth it to spend a little more time with my family. I didn't take my camera out for the first few days because my dad was taking pictures with his camera ... so until I get copies of his here are the few that I have taken. Last night we went to my grandmas house and ate pizza and played cards. We love playing cards!




My mom and cousin Debbie



My dad and Alya


dad's game face


Deb and Alya were partners ... they won the best sport award. My mom and I were partners and we won the 1st place award. :0)


I got to have breakfast with my bff from high school. I miss her and really wish that I could live closer so that we could hang out more.


IT SNOWED!!!!


Can you tell that I LOVE LOVE LOVE being at home??? Well ... I do :0)


Alya thinking he is funny and trying to throw a snow ball at me.


us being cute in the snow. :0)

So ... things are good. It feels so, so, so good to be home right now. We are leaving on Sunday ... but I am not even beginning to think about it. I'm in denial.

Happy snow day friends! :0)

I Made It.

I made it through the craziness of all the baby and family drama .... now onto bigger and better things.

OHIO.

enough said.

:0)

More later.

Scared

I can't even describe how INSANE these past two weeks have been.

I swear that my life is a soap opera.

Cross my heart.

I mean seriously, how is this even real life?

I really really really need your prayers right now.

Like this second!

I'll explain more later ... as much as I can.

This has nothing to do with a current adoption ...

But it has everything to do with our future.

And I can't even explain how scared I am right now.

It's not a good situation at all.

There are many people that are against us.

There is a lot of wrong that is being done.

And I feel so helpless right now.

Please, please, please pray for direction and peace.

Alya is possibly getting ready to sign some paperwork and I'm asking that everyone pray for the Lord to speak to his heart and guide him in what he should do. That he wouldn't listen to anyone or any other distractions.

Ugh ..... so wish I could just run far far away from all of this mess. :0(

I Dreamed

I've had a hard couple of evenings these past few days. Just feeling a deep aching of wanting needing to be a momma. I'm usually fine if I can keep busy with something, but once I come home, things settle down .... and there just seems to be something missing in our home. It's been a little hard to let go of this past adoption that fell through. You see, I don't know about you, but dream a lot. I day dream. I dream in my sleep. Things become so real to me. That baby became real to me. I would imagine over and over what it would be like when we first met her. I would imagine how Alya would respond when he met his daughter for the first time. I would imagine being able to finally say for the first time that "I'm finally a mommy". I imagined bringing her home with us, being able to go through all the 'firsts' with her. I imagined what it would be like to bring her home to Ohio with us and sharing our little joy with my family at Christmas. It just all became so real to me. And it's hard to get those images out of my head now. It's hard to back track. See she already became part of my heart. And that's hard to let go of. I pray that her momma is getting the support that she needs to raise her four children. I can't imagine how hard it is to be so young and raising four children under the age of four. I know that obviously this was not the child that God had intended for us .... but it doesn't take away how much it hurts when you learn that what you had dreamed, what you had felt peace about is no longer a part of your life. It's a hard thing to experience. It's a hard thing to explain. It's a hard thing to move on from.

I went ahead and emailed our agency yesterday to let them know that we would like to change our profile to being willing to accept any match that comes our way. I just keep praying because we have chosen to be a little more open that we'll get matched again quickly.

The idea of being matched again excites me but terrifies me all at the same time. Of course, I'm so ready to be matched, so ready to bring home our baby, so ready for this roller coaster ride to be over. But I am so scared that what we are experiencing now is going to happen to us all over again. I am not in any way trying to be negative or say that I am lacking faith. This very thing has happened to us repeatedly. And I just wish I knew why. Sometimes I just feel like I'm failing at something. I'm doing something wrong. And I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to trust any more than I am. I don't know how to be any more open than we already have. I have learned that just the expected normal waiting part of an adoption that everyone has to go through can't even compare to the waiting, getting matched, being heart broken, and then repeat many many times over and over again. I wish that I could have just gone through the waiting without getting phone calls that got me excited. I wish that I didn't have to go through getting my hopes up and then having my heart broken. I wish that I could have just waited until it was TIME. I know that God has some CRAZY plan for ALLLLLL that we have gone through. I know that He is creating something beautiful. But when you are in the midst of it all, it's hard to understand the constant heart break. It's hard to understand how I can be used to my fullest potential when I'm constantly dealing with a broken heart. What seems to be the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that I felt SO SO SO much peace about the last adoption going through. And so now, I just question myself all the time. I'm constantly seeking God through all of this ... but I just don't understand why I felt so much peace (when I usually never do) why this has happened again?

Being at school is really hard for me right now. I love love love what I do. But I had planned to be out until after Christmas break loving on my new little love. My heart just isn't in it right now. I'm trying to change that ... because I really do love my other bigger babies. But when you've dreamed up how things could have been ... and how real it all seemed, and then had it all come crashing down, it's just hard. There's really no other way to explain it. It's hard. It sucks so bad. It hurts more than anything.

I am so ready for my dreams to become reality.

Adopting For Dummies

One of my friends and I were kind of joking around about how I should make my blog into a book. I honestly already plan on making it into one of those nifty books that you can order here. I want to be able to have a copy of our adoption journey forever. I want to be able to go back and read it myself .... remembering all the times that God provided ... remembering all the faith, trust, tears and hoops that we had to go through. I also want to have a copy of our story to one day give to our future child.

As my friend and I were talking about making our story into a book ... It made me think about the resources that there are for adopting. I know that there are lots of books about how to go about adopting ... the steps etc. etc. But I think that there needs to be a book that talks about the reality of adopting.

You know when you go on college tours where they tell you all this really amazing things about the school and campus? But they never tell you ALL that there is to know about it? Like how much the food sucks? Or how you better ignore the yellow lines painted on the pavement and park as close to another car as you can or risk being keyed? You know the important things that you only get the privilege of knowing after you have done your time and learned from experience??? Well that's how I feel about adopting. I mean it's sounds all wonderful. It's all rainbows and unicorns ... bringing in a little orphan baby/child into a loving home. Providing a home and family for an innocent little child that might not have received that gift if their birth parents had decided to keep them. It's all so easy right??? But now that I've done my "time" I understand how this experience really is. Yes, it's still an amazing experience. It's made me a MUCH MUCH stronger woman. It's given me the privilege of seeing the impossible become reality. It's given me an amazing community of women to walk through this journey with. But .... at the beginning when we decided to jump into this adoption world I had NO IDEA how hard it would be. I had NO IDEA how heartbreaking it could be. I had NO IDEA the amount of tears that would be shed. I had NO IDEA how much loss would be involved. If you asked me after knowing all the things that I do now would I have decided against adopting ... my answer would be NO. I would still go through the things that we have had to go through in order to be parents a 100 times over again. But it would have been nice to have an idea that it's not all rainbows and unicorns. That it's the HARDEST thing I have ever had to experience.

Each adoption story is so very unique in it's own way .... but we all share the same feelings. We've all had to jump off the highest cliff and trust that God is going to catch us. We've all had to walk through this journey blindly sometimes having faith that God's guiding the way. We've all had pieces of our hearts broken away ... but somehow God repairs the broken hearted. every time. In His time. every time. I would much rather read a book about someone else's journey. I would much rather be able to relate to a real person rather than a how-to book some 'expert' on adoption has written. I wish that there could be a resource available that has all of that and more to a "newbie" on the adoption journey. And that book should also list resources for every single on of your adoption journeys. We are all authors ... we are all experts ... we've all been there, done that. We've all experienced the impossible. We are all very unique and I'm blessed to be among this amazing little community.

Please keep us in your prayers. There could be a potential situation coming up. Who knows??? We were also thinking ... should we open up to the idea of adopting a boy? We have really wanted to adopt a little girl from the very beginning. The nursery is decorated for a GIRL. But I've just been wondering if we shouldn't limit ourselves and truly be open in every aspect? What do you think?

Conversations

Alya: "What do you want for Christmas?"



Lindsay: "A baby."

Thanksgiving Re-cap

Well ... we made it!

We got to my parents house at 3:30 in the morning on Thursday. It actually wasn't that bad of a drive. But we were very thankful to arrive safely and be able to crash in a nice soft warm bed!

Yesterday for Thanksgiving my mom cooked some yummy food. Man, I forgot how much I miss having someone else cook dinner for me! lol It was nice to just relax (I stayed in my pj's alllll day) and took multiple naps. It couldn't have been any better lol. Later last night my mom and I went over to Michaels because they were have a big sale.

This morning my mom and I woke up waaaaaay too early in my opinion to hit the stores for some black Friday shopping. We found a few good deals ... didn't get the one thing that I was really looking to buy, but it was still a successful shopping trip and a fun time spent with my mom.

So I wanted to post some things that I was thankful for this year. I didn't get a chance to yesterday and I wanted to make sure I got to blog about it. Sometimes when you are in the middle of a storm it's hard to look around you and remember the things that you are thankful for. I don't want to get caught up in forgetting those things ... so I'm praying that this list will stand as a reminder to all the things that God has blessed my life with.

1. I'm thankful for my husband. I'm thankful that he is willing to walk through this crazy adoption journey with me. Not all husbands have such a willing heart to do anything and everything just to become parents. I'm thankful for his patient spirit. I'm thankful for how much of a hard worker he is. I'm thankful for his giving heart.

2. I'm thankful for great parents. I'm thankful for their support and encouragement over the years.

3. I'm thankful for my family ... although we live far away I love and miss them so much!

4. I'm thankful for an AMAZING church family. I'm thankful for the crazy things that God is doing through the Journey. I'm thankful for friends/family that have walked through every part of our life side by side with us.

5. I'm thankful that God gave me a heart for adoption.

6. I'm thankful that He has walked through every step of this crazy roller coaster ride with us.

7. I'm thankful for never being alone.

8. I'm thankful that God has never given up on me, even when I might have given up on him.

9. I'm thankful for the strength He gives me every single day.

10. I'm thankful for the sweet miracle He will one day bless our lives with.

11. I'm thankful for the great state of OHIO! and being a proud BUCKEYE!

12. I'm thankful for my job ... for being trusted with the minds of so many innocent little kids.

13. I'm thankful for my friends. I wouldn't know where I would be without them.

14. I'm thankful for our sweet little home.

15. I'm thankful for our awesome dog Buddy and crazy cat LB.

16. I'm thankful for Alya's full ride to the University of Phoenix that he was awarded this past year.

17. And I'm thankful for you, my bloggie friends who have been a constant form of encouragement and have lifted up many prayers for us through this crazy journey.

This Thanksgiving was definitely a little bit different than we had originally planned. We had planned on sharing it with our newest addition to the family. For some reason that wasn't in Gods plan ... so we keep waiting and praying and trusting in Him during this time. We do have so much to be thankful for and it's important for us to focus on that during this time.

Please keep praying for Alya's mom. We got the phone call on the way to my parents that they found a huge mass in her lungs. They say that she has cancer in her lungs and in her lymph nodes. They will not be doing any treatments on her because the cancer is too far spread and her health is already poor. They don't think that she will be able to survive the surgery. The doctors are giving her 6 months to a year to live.

I hope that you all have had a great Thanksgiving. I am enjoying my time off of work and just getting some much needed REST.

Escaping

We leave tomorrow for Louisiana to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I am very much looking forward to escaping every day life for a few days.

Wish it could be longer.

I can't wait to sleep in late ... and just be lazy hanging out with my momma.

I need some time away.

The holidays are definitely going to be a little bit different than expected.

But I'm hanging in there.

Today was an okay day for me ... really ... I'm feeling all the prayers being sent our way. I felt strangely at peace today ... only a God thing.

Keep praying for Alya's mom. They found a huge mass in her lung. Don't know much more than that because when he went to visit her this afternoon the doctor was already gone. Just pray for comfort tonight.

Decisions

Last week when I got the call that no one going through an adoption EVER wants to get ... our agency asked me what they could do to help us with future matches. Did we want to be notified when we were matched? Or did we just want to be called when they had a baby to give us from the hospital?

I kind of want both.

I want to be able to get that call that I feel like I've been waiting all my life for.

The call where they tell me I'm FINALLY going to be a momma.

I want to be excited. I want to be able to share with my family and friends. I want to be able to PRAY. I want to buy cute little outfits and prepare her nursery. I want to announce the amazing news on Facebook and our blog. I want to be able to shout out to the whole world that our waiting is OVER!

I want what EVERY OTHER expectant mother gets to experience.

I already kind of feel like I have to give up so many other things that you get to experience while carrying your own child.

Why can't I have the simple but amazing experience of celebrating a life?

But then ... knowing that we were SO ... SO ... SO close. Just ONE day away from becoming parents and learning that it wasn't going to happen was MORE THAN devastating. It took my breath away. I felt numb. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to us AGAIN.

So ... because of that pain, I kind of wouldn't mind waiting until all papers have been signed and the baby will have a 100% chance of going home with us.

Do I want to experience this aching again?

NO. Absolutely. Not.

But I emailed our agency yesterday and told her that I wanted to know anyways. I wanted to know when our profile book was looked at. I wanted to know when we got matched.

I want to celebrate more than being scared of a broken heart again.

I want to have HOPE more than holding onto fear.

I want to trust more than control.

I want to believe more than doubt.

I want to be able to have my friends and family surround us with prayer more than hide away alone.

So ... here we go jumping off a cliff again. Having faith that God is going to catch us.

Today was better emotionally wise for me. I don't know if it was because I was busy with my students, but I am 100% feeling all the prayers that have been sent our way. I just want to thank you all for all the encouragement. Please KEEP IT COMING! Each day is a new day with new battles to face. I'm learning that my attitude about the situations that come our way effects how I make it through each day. So I'm trying to keep a positive attitude ... I'm trying to keep trusting that God has this all in His hands and that He is making something beautiful out of it.

I ended up calling the Catholic Charities adoption agency that is located here in Jacksonville. The one that we are working with is in Pensacola. I probably would have started working with the one that was closer to us from the beginning, but I had no idea that there was more than one. Alya was thinking that maybe the agency that is located here in Jacksonville might have some potential matches for us. I know for a fact that we would have to pay another $500 application fee again. Which sucks. But I don't know if their adoption fees are the same as the one in Pensacola. I don't want to work with them unless they are spread out like our original agency's fees are. No one answered the phone of course, so I just left a message. I'll update whenever I hear something back.

I was just wondering if any of my readers have ever gone through an adoption that fell through? Could you share with me your experiences? When we first started this adoption journey I felt SOOOO alone. All of my friends were pregnant and having their own kids and no one GOT IT. They were soooo supportive and encouraging, but they just couldn't relate. Then, I found the adoption blog world :0) and I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt crazy for the feelings that I had ... I felt normal for once. And it was so amazing to find new friends through this blogging experience. But, now I kind of am feeling alone in our new experiences of our adoption falling through and I was just wondering if anyone else out there could share their experiences with me.

Please keep us in your prayers. We found out that Alya's mom is sick in the hospital and they have called in hospice. We don't really know what is going on. And we are supposed to leave for Louisiana to visit my parents on Wednesday. It seems like we are getting hit in all different directions right now.

I have a choice. And I am choosing to trust. I am choosing to love. And I am choosing to hope.

Exhausted

I slept on the floor of her nursery last night.

I've been sleeping horribly the last few nights.

I just needed a place where I could cry out to God.

I wish that I could be snuggling a sweet little baby in that room instead.

I just kept crying out asking Him to help me to understand.

Crying out, asking Him to give me peace.

Crying out, asking Him to show me where HE is in all of this mess.

I have a choice. And although it's hard ... I am choosing to trust. I am choosing to love. And I am choosing to hope.

It Was Supposed To Be ...

This morning I dragged my butt out of bed and drove out with Alya to our church. I really can't explain how much we love being apart of the Journey Church. God is doing BIG BIG BIG things with this church ... and by church I don't mean the building ... but with His PEOPLE. Like seriously crazy, insane, unbelievable things are happening at our church and in the community because of the things that He is doing. I love that our church steps out into the community to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Today we gave away 1,500 Thanksgiving dinners to people in need. It was so awesome. I know that peoples lives were touched by the love of Jesus today. As I helped one woman bring her food out to her car she started shouting "Hallelujah, praise Jesus! This is going to be the best Thanksgiving!" She was beaming with excitement. She touched my heart today ... and I'm so glad that I got to be there to help her.

It felt good to get out of the house. It felt good to help someone else in need. It felt good not to sit and dwell on what we don't have right now, but instead be the hands and feet to help someone else.

The only part of the morning that I got choked up was when a grandma came walking by with her two month old granddaughter. She was beaming with pride. Showing her off and saying how beautiful she was.

Sob.

I wish I could give that to my mom.

I had to pass off my turkey for a moment so I could collect myself. I grabbed a smile from who knows where and went back to my turkey post. I'm glad I chose to get out of bed this morning. I'm glad I chose to serve.

We came back home and I pretty much crashed for the rest of the afternoon. Alya had to go off to get a car part to fix our car and put a trailer hitch on for our trip to Louisiana in a few days. So I took the time to just sleep. I've been exhausted the past few days ... mostly emotionally I think ... and I just needed to rest.

I woke up around 4:30 when Alya got back home and we decided to go to a tree lighting ceremony at a local shopping center. They were having a few bands play too and then the tree lighting was later on at night. The music was good ... it was a beautiful night outside. It was a big family event. sigh ... momma's dancing the streets with their babies. Kids running around with their glow lights. Fireworks went off after the tree was lit ... little faces in awe of the pretty colors and loud booms.

Sob.

One day we will get to fit into these family events.

Then ... we went to a few stores to return some seasonal baby items that we had bought and probably won't be able to use later on.

Her homecoming outfit.

Her Christmas dress.

Her first Christmas ornament that I bought early because I wanted to be able to buy the 'perfect' one before all the good ones were gone.

Sob.

It's so much more fun buying baby stuff than having to return it.

That part sucked.

It's funny ... we decided to go the private adoption agency route instead of foster to adopt because it was supposed to be safer.

We weren't supposed to get our hearts hurt as easy.

It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.

Ha.

I guess we have learned that nothing is the 'safe' way to do things in the world of adoption. There are always risks. There are always things that could go wrong. There are always five hundred million hoops to jump through.

But guess what?

I'm a fighter.

And you can better believe that I'm not giving up with out a fight.

I have a choice. And I am choosing to trust. I am choosing to love. And I am choosing to hope.

No Matter What

My sweet friend Sarah gave me the lyrics to this song today ... I just remembered that she gave me this sheet of paper at work this morning and I had saved it to read at home because I knew that I would cry. I had already come home from work when I realized that I left it sitting on my desk ... I just when back and got it ... and I'm glad I did. Thanks Sarah ... I needed this.

*************************************************************************************
No Matter What by: Kerrie Roberts

I'm running back to your promises one more time, Lord that's all I can hold onto, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I, keep asking why, I keep asking why,

No matter what, I'm gonna love You, no matter what I'm going to need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I'll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

When I'm stuck in this nothing-ness by myself, I'm just sitting in silence, there's no way I can make it without Your help, I won't even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you'll be my strength.

No matter what, I'm gonna love You, no matter what I'm gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I'll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don't have You can give it to me, but it's ok if You don't, I'm not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You

No matter what I'm gonna love you, no matter what I'm gonna need you, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I'll trust You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, if not, I'll trust you no matter what,no matter what no matter no matter what.

*************************************************************************************

I have a choice and .... I'm Trusting Him .....

Moments

I feel like I have been hit by a truck today.

Yesterday was really hard. I cried until there were no more tears. I slept for a long time. I woke up looking awful. My heart was really heavy when I woke up this morning. The tears found their way back again, and streamed down my face as I drove to school.

There are moments where I feel like I can pull my aching heart together. There are moments where I feel completely at peace. There are moments where I can talk and share how I am feeling and don't shed a single tear.

And then there are moments where I don't know when the tears will stop flowing. There are moments where my heart is still aching. And there are moments where I just want to run away from this bad dream.

I wish more than anything that I could just wake up and know that it was all just a nightmare. That something like this couldn't possibly happen to us again.

But, it wasn't a dream. Yes, it's still a nightmare ... one that quite honestly I didn't think that we would face again.

But we are.

And somehow we will walk through this valley again. It's still so hard. And it still feels unfair. And I don't think that I will ever understand.

But we walk.

We I cry.

We beg God for comfort.

Today would have been the day that we would have brought out little girl home from the hospital ...

I really hate that we couldn't do that today.

Now instead of dressing our little girl up in the clothes that we just bought ... I have to instead return them. That's going to be really hard. I wish that I didn't have to experience this pain again.

How many times God do we have to go through this?

Choices

Now that I've had a moment a few agonizing, heart wrenching, "sobtastic" hours to work through all of a tiny bit of the emotions that I am facing at the moment ... I've come to realize that I have two choices.

Choice number one: Fall apart. Hate God. Become bitter. Hate God some more. Hide away in the darkness. Yell at God. Cry. Sob. Shout. Cuss. Cry some more. Repeat all the above.

Choice number two: Cry. Give my aching heart to God. Be real. Be vulnerable. Cry some more. Shout. Trust. Be still. Hold on to God with everything I have. TRUST. And hope.

I can say from experience that I have already picked choice number one in the past. I have already traveled down that crazy, dark, lonely, depressing road before. God didn't lead me down that road ... I chose it. And I can say that since I've already "been there, done that" I AM NOT going back.

So ... that leaves me with choice number two.

I cry.

I give my aching heart to God.

It's okay if I sob ... (God doesn't mind my snot and swollen shut eyes, He still thinks I'm beautiful) :0)

I can be real and honest with how I am feeling.

I can be vulnerable with sharing my heart with HIM and also with supportive friends.

It's okay if I cry some more ... God made me a tender hearted, emotional, basket case ... He still loves me when I cry.

I can shout ... He wants me to be real.

But I need to trust that HE has this all taken care of ... HE ALWAYS HAS.

I also need to BE STILL because obviously HE is trying to get me to see or learn something from the CRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZYYYYYY super cool journey.

I need to hold on to GOD with EVERYTHING I have .. because frankly HE is the only one that I can fully rely on. He is the only one that is going to remain constant ... He is the only one that I can fully trust.

I have to for real, like a million percent, TRUST him ... Choice number two has TRUST listed twice just in case I forget I am distracted okay I just need another reminder that HE really does have this all together.

And ... I need to still HOPE. I need to hope for the good. I need to keep hoping for the joys of being a mommy. I need to keep HOPE for the orphaned.

I have already gone down the road of choice number one, and I don't want to go back there. I don't want to become that depressed Lindsay again. I stayed in that pit for faaaaaaarrrrrr too long. And I'm done with it. So choice number two ... although it's still going to be hard ... although my heart will still ache ... choice number two has so much more of a promise than choice number one.

Yes, I am still aching. Yes, my eyes are swollen shut right now. Yes, I have the WORST headache in the world from crying my brains out earlier. Yes, I can barely talk because I have been holding my breath trying not to sob ridiculously loud to where the neighbors might come knocking to see what's wrong. Yes, I can still be real and vulnerable and share my heart and say that I am tired of the hurt and always having a broken heart. I am allowed to be real and say that it's just not fair. I might even shout out a few "Why God's".... but it's okay .. because I'm still going to trust HIM. I'm still going to BELIEVE that HE is painting a beautiful picture out of my life. I'm going to TRUST HIM and know that I just have to hang on because HE has something so crazy amazing in store for us. I refuse to miss out on what HE has planned for my life because I am too busy throwing a pitty party for myself.

The waiting is hard. The pain sometimes seems unbearable. But I have a loving God who is holding me tight tonight. I know that we will make it through ... and yes, it may be a hard few days weeks holidays ... but I still have hope that something better is coming.

My heart and prayers go out to this new momma. I pray that J gets the support and love that she needs to raise this new baby. I pray for her new baby, that she grows up knowing that she has one tough loving momma that is willing to fight to the end for her. I pray that God provides all the love and support that they need to make it through each day.

I have a choice. And I choose to trust. I choose to love. And I choose to hope.

Again...

A broken heart.

Want to know what that looks like???

Come take a look into mine.

I'm a sobbing mess right now.

I really believed this was going to be it ...

I really thought that I was finally going to be a mommy.

I can't even describe how excited I was.

I feel like I keep slamming into brick walls.

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I'm tired of hurting.

Enough is enough already.

I talked with the agency just a little bit ago ... the b-mom had her baby yesterday ... she has decided to keep her.

And I don't judge her at all ... I know that in her heart this is the right decision ... and I totally honor that.

But it doesn't make this heart of mine ache any less.

I'm tired of hearing that God has the perfect baby for me ... please don't tell me that ....

I know He does.

But why go through THIS MUCH heartache to get there?

I can't really describe this pain ...

Some how beauty will come out of this ...

It just hurts like hell right at the moment.

Please pray for us.

The Wait Continues ...

sigh ....

I really wish I had some super exciting news to share.

but...

I don't. :0(

I ended up emailing our agency yesterday and I was hoping that might tip her off to giving me an update ... however, I didn't get an email back today.

Bummer.

Tomorrow will be the 3rd week mark of when we first got "The Call" ... wow. I mean it seems like each day drrrrrraaaaaaggggggs by so slowly, but I kind of can't believe it's already been three weeks!

My heart is still feeling anxious after my last update with our agency. Don't they know this being out of the loop thing is insanely hard!?!?! lol

I know that I just need to be still ... I know I just need to put all of my faith in God .... and I promise I've been really really good (at least I think so) at doing that. It's just those little moments where scary thoughts pop up and fill your head with negative thoughts. Reminders of past broken hearts that creep back up and fill my head with the idea that a broken heart could be happening all over again.

However,

I am doing my VERY VERY VERY best to not think about those things. I'm doing my very best to have a positive mindset. I'm doing my very best to TRUST! And I have been just so super excited I can't hardly stand myself. The not knowing part is super hard though. The waiting is kind of the same as telling a 2 year old to stand still for five hours *or really just for 5 minutes*. It's kind of impossible really ....

We just found out this week that we will be going to my parents house (they live in Louisiana) for Thanksgiving. I'm super excited about getting to spend the holiday with family. I miss living close to my family ... especially during crazy amazing things that are going on in our lives right now. My parents actually live closer to where Amiah will be born than we do ... so how cool would it be to be able to go pick up our little miracle while we are at grandma and grandpa's house!?!?! (side note: mom & dad you need some cool grandparent names ... you should prob. get on that!)

So ... we continue to wait. If I don't hear back from our agency by tomorrow that means I have to wait until NEXT WEEK! eeeeek! So ... keep praying with us friends!

Nothing

Still no news.

Not much to post on.

It's been a loooooonnnnng and exhausting day at school. It's 8:24pm and I just got home from work!

It's off to bed for me ... maybe tomorrow will be the day when we get some good news from our agency.

I did end up emailing them around 5:00 this evening because I just couldn't take it any longer lol. Hopefully I'll get a response tomorrow!

Still praying!

Bummer

No news today.

:0(

Maybe tomorrow??????????

Still waiting for my sweet little love.

We are READY!

Keep praying friends!

Dreamer

I find myself dreaming a lot these days .... day dreaming ... dreaming at night. I had a dream last night that I got the call saying that Amiah would be born in 7 hours. lol ... random I know ... but I can't stop thinking about her.

I am so ready.

So, so, so ready to meet my sweet little girl.

If you think about it could you please say a prayer that we find out an update at the beginning of the week? ... let me rephrase that ... that we get an update with good news at the beginning of this week? lol

I started knitting a baby blanket for Amiah today ... can you tell that I LOVE crafty stuff? I'm hoping to make a little hat for her to wear home from the hospital too.

My heart is so happy right now. I'm so excited about meeting our little girl.

Praying that I have great news to share with you soon.

Our Secret Special Surprise

So ... I left you hanging with this picture a few posts ago ...



Well as I'm sure that you were able to tell ... it was a puzzle. lol But .... this is a special puzzle. I got the idea back at the beginning of this journey from another adoption blog that I found. And I LOOOOOOVED IT! I thought that it was such a cool idea and a very very special thing to have.

We picked a puzzle that we liked and put it together ...


Can you tell what it is yet????


How about now???


Last piece!!!!


Finally DONE!

Now here comes the super special part ....

On the back we wrote the names of all the people that have financially & prayerfully supported our adoption journey. It's so neat to be able to look back and see the amazing people that God brought to walk through this journey with us. We feel so blessed and honored to be able to share this amazing journey with all of these friends and family.



Then we scored a $10 frame at Hobby Lobby and bought some glass at ACE so that we can hang our puzzle in Amiah's nursery.




(Please read this post about God painting a picture to understand what I am about to say)

I thought that this puzzle was PERFECT when I found it a few weeks ago. Each puzzle piece is a tiny tiny little picture .... and as each small individual picture connects to another it creates one new beautiful picture. See if you stand too close to the puzzle you can't see how beautiful it was meant to be. Sure ... some of the tiny individual pieces are pretty ... and some of the pieces have dark shadows, but once you take a step back and see how all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together it becomes what the artist envisioned it to be... a beautiful butterfly. If even one little piece was missing ... it would ruin the whole painting. Each small piece was meant to be there.

We have been through some of the toughest times in my life during this crazy little adoption adventure of ours. And in the midst of the craziness sometimes I wanted to quit. Sometimes I just wanted to give up because things just got too hard. But now as I take a huge step back I am able to see how God is using the good times ANNNNND the dark sad times to make up one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. I can look back now and see how He was whispering in my ear all along the way ... "just hang on ... just trust ME ... I'm creating something far better than anything you can even imagine."

It's a beautiful picture .... a beautiful life ... and I'm so thankful that He chose this life for me.

Waiting ....

My sweet Amiah Grace,

I can't wait to finally hold you in my arms.

This waiting is oh, so so so hard.

But I know it will be a million percent worth it once I finally see your face and know that you are finally forever ours.

I love you more than you'll ever know sweet girl.

Refresh

I have probably hit the refresh button on my email inbox about a million times today ...

waiting ....

waiting ....

waiting ...

for some kind of news as to what in the world is going on.

Yesterday after I got the email from our agency saying that the b-mom didn't show up for her meeting I closed my eyes and prayed "not again God ... please not again"

It makes me so sad that the experiences we have had over the last 2 years have made my head instantly think that my heart is about to get crushed again. I really don't want to think about the negative possibilities in this situation .... and to be honest I was fully embracing the fact that I would finally be bringing our little girl home soon.

I had a brief moment of despair. Okay more like the rest of the night and most of the morning today feeling like my world was being turned upside down again.

"Not again God, please not again."

That's what my heart was crying ...

I did get a small update from our agency. This is what it said:

***********************************************************************************
Lindsay,

I received brief contact from "J" letting me know she is doing okay still and will try to call me when she gets near a phone she can call from. I will try to get her to come in today, but if she can not, it will be some time next week as we are closed tomorrow for Veteran’s Day and are already closed on Fridays. She knows my cell phone number though and how to get a hold of me after work hours and weekends. I will continued to keep you posted. Please hang in there as I know the waiting part is always the most difficult!

***********************************************************************************

I guess I feel a little better? I mean it's not much of an update ... I don't really have details. But at least she has made contact with her ... and I am just going to go forward staying positive and believing that this is going to work out.

I don't want to be an emotional basket case ... and if I allow myself to think about all the "what-if's" I will most likely need to be institutionalized. lol

This part of the waiting game is by far the hardest. The part where you are so close ... we can finally see the finish line ... but yet so far away.

Praying for our sweet little Amiah ... that she is growing strong and is healthy. Praying she hangs in there for a little bit longer so that she can develop fully.

Praying for our b-mom ... that she can get the minutes she needs to have a working phone. That she is also safe and healthy. That God continues to give her peace about her decision.

sigh ...

and if you think about it pray for strength and peace for me. :0)

Romans 5:5 - And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Please Pray

Just opened up an email from our agency ...

B-momma didn't show up to her meeting with them today. She said that isn't like her. She tried calling and all the numbers that she has for her were not connecting (she thinks they are out of minutes). She left a message with her doctor to see if she went into labor early.

Please pray friends.

A Few Things ...

1. I am super frustrated with not being able to upload my video. I think it's too big of a file. Dang. However ... that has been noted for when we take video of meeting Amiah for the first time :0) Because I surely want to post THAT on here!

2. B-momma had her doctor appointment yesterday. I haven't heard how that went yet ... was hoping to get an email from our agency today.

3. I found out that this is the b-momma's 4th child in 4 years.

4. I found out that her parents do know that she is pregnant and have been supportive. But she feels that they will also be supportive of her decision for adoption.

5. Alya and I bought our first pack of diapers last night :0) Trying to get things here and there so that it doesn't all pile on us at one time.

6. We were given another $100 today ... making it $694 just from this past weekend.

7. I am happy.

8. I am super excited.

9. God has stilled my anxious heart and I now totally feel at peace.

10. I just can't wait to be a mommy!

When Love Takes You In

While on the road to adopt I've found that it's really easy to focus all of your attention on yourself. It's easy to write blogs about how you are currently feeling ... it's easy to write about your frustrations, your struggles, your broken heart. It's also easy to write about the celebrations, whether big or small, that you might experience throughout your adoption journey.

I have found that it's really easy to focus on the child that you are adopting ... whether you know what their sweet little face looks like or if you only know them in your heart. It's easy to dream about the day they will finally be placed in your arms. It's easy to dream about the day where you can finally take a deep breath and know that all the waiting is over.

I know it's easy because that's what my heart has focused on for almost a year.

But I've also noticed that not many people (myself included) ever really blog about the birth mother that God chose for our sweet little miracles.

My heart was BROKEN today.

Like for real ....

Our church always makes a time where you can go up to the alter to place your tithe in a basket. It's totally optional ... but I really like this time because it gives me just a moment to kneel up at the front and just have some one on one time with my Father. It's allows me some time to thank him for the blessings that he has given us. Usually Alya and I go up together to pray ... but today Alya had to work in the sound booth so it was just me and God today.

He BROOOOOOOKE me today.

That's really the only way that I can describe it. The snot, sobbing, can't breathe kind of brokenness. Friends, my heart is hurting for our birth mother. My heart is hurting because our Father's heart is hurting for her. His heart is hurting for the traumatic experiences that she has had to endure. His heart is hurting because of the ugliness of the world that she has had to walk through. His heart is hurting because his beloved daughter is hurting. I just kept thinking about how blessed Alya and I have been to be able to walk down this road of adoption completely surrounded and supported every step of the way. We have been loved on, encouraged, supported, carried through every single step this journey has taken us on. Not one time were we left alone. And I am so so very thankful for the family that my Father has given to walk this journey with us. When I went up front today I just felt an overwhelming sense to pray for our b-momma. I don't really want to disclose some of the details that we know about this particular situation ... just out of respect for her ... but a very horrible thing was done to her. I feel so honored to have this courageous woman be the birth mother of our little Amiah. She has loved Amiah so much that instead of doing what a lot of mothers would have done in her situation she chose to give her life. I believe with all of my heart that Amiah will grow up to be a strong woman. I know that she will grow up to have a heart to love people like no one else can. I know that God is going to use Amiah in crazy amazing ways because her b-momma chose life for her.

When I think about all the people that have walked through this journey with us my one prayer is that our b-mamma too can experience the crazy love and support from a body of believers.

I pray that she can feel encouraged.

I pray that God would HEAL her wounds.

I pray that God would USE her courage and crazy love she has for this little soul she is carrying in BIG BIG ways.

I pray that God would restore the brokenness in her life.

I pray that God would comfort her and guide her every step.

I pray that she would never for one second feel alone.

We had this crazy powerful service this morning. It was orphan Sunday and our church did a special presentation that involved some of the adopted kids/families that attend the Journey. Man ... seriously speechless. I'm trying to upload a video of it but am not having any luck ... hopefully I can get it up soon.

To say that it has been an emotional day would be an understatement. To say that God moved in crazy amazing ways wouldn't even begin to touch what He is about to do. I can't wait to be apart of it. We were blessed with $594 after the second service today. :0) We're getting there friends!

Praying for my sweet little love tonight ... and praying for the woman that chose to give her life. I thank God for both of them.

Look what I found ...

I love it!

We are also working on something very very special ...



There will be more on this soon ;0) so stay tuned!

We haven't heard anything new ... just keep praying friends

Letting Go Of Some Stress ...

Boy am I ready to get off this roller coaster ride of emotions! I really have been trying to keep it all together. I've been doing my best at just giving everything I am feeling over to God. But sometimes those emotions spill on over ... and I just need a good cry. I haven't really gotten to do that yet ... but the tears are at the brim and ready to fall. I am not the type of person that holds in my emotions ... in fact I'm probably at the other extreme where I cry at just about anything. I just need that alone time to be transparent ... just be me in the moment of uncertainty .... cry it all out, and then move on with my life trusting that God has it all taken care of.

When it comes to adoptions there is just soooooo much involved. A million and one plus some of paper work, every background, finger print check you can think of, ... sometimes I think that if i was able to have my own kids they would require my first born too. lol Then there is the wait time in between each set of paper work. There's all the little details that have to be figured out immediately ... and sometimes you just get worn out. It's hard to be strong all the time. It's hard to pull up your big girl pants and just suck it up all the time. Sometimes I don't want to be the one in charge of getting everything together. And I know that it will all be worth it in the end ... and I'm not saying that I wish that this wasn't my life ... I'm just being real and needing to vent ... needing to let all my emotions spill on on this page so that I don't have to carry around this heavy burden all the time.

I think I just kind of hit my limit of dealing with things today when I called my insurance agency. I had thought that my "maternity" leave would be covered under my insurance but I learned today that I was very wrong about that. I am able to get leave off of my job ... it's just that it's not payed leave. Which is a problem when you depend on that paycheck coming in. I'm just frustrated because I only have 7.5 payed days to take off when Amiah is born. I really was wanting to take off more than that. I guess I just kind of feel cheated with my time off with my new little baby girl. And it just makes me want to cry. Sometimes I feel like I'm already not getting to go through the experiences of carrying and birthing our own child. That I won't be able to even be there when she is born ... OR see her until two days after she is born ... I also wasn't planning on taking all the time off that most new mommas get when they have a baby ... all I was hoping for was 3 weeks and then our Christmas break to enjoy lovin on my girl. The answers I got today just wasn't what I was expecting and I guess it just hurt my heart a little bit. I know that everything will work out in the end .... this was just a me needing to be real moment.

Our birth momma's next doctor appointment is on Monday. Our agency is supposed to let us know how that goes next week. Praying she can hold on until at least Thanksgiving, although I'm dieing to hold that little girl in my arms NOW! :0)

I Just Can't Help It

I just can't help it ...

I can't keep my heart out of this....

I am too excited about the idea of being a mommy!

No new news on the adoption. I told my principal today. I have to start getting things in order for being absent so I can love on the newest addition to our little family.

I really can't wait ... it's been so hard to sleep at night. All I do all day long is think about our little girl.

Keep praying friends!

Answers ...

I received an email back from our agency today full of answers to all my questions.

1. When does the birth mother plan on telling her parents that she is making an adoption plan? Does she think that there will be a problem when she tells them? Do the grandparents have any rights towards the baby? A: She does not plan on telling them until after she signs over her rights. She feels this is the best plan for her. No, grandparents do not have rights. I have some additional information about this and I now understand why she wishes to go about the adoption in this way.

2. Is the birth mom really serious about making an adoption plan? Or is she just entertaining the idea? * just trying to prepare our hearts ... ** A: I know…this is always the hard part! She feels she is sure at this point, but I always warn adoptive families, birth moms can be 100% sure for 6 months of counseling with me and that can all change in a second once they see or hold the baby. I will be up at the hospital with her providing her ongoing counseling during her stay.

3. Does she know who the birth father is? Is he AA too? If she does not know the birth father what does that mean for us? A: He is AA, but we do not have a name or location for him. We will have to publish for 30 days on him in the paper with all information we do have and he will then have that time period to contact us or our attorney to petition for his right to parent. I also have additional information about this and don't think that the b-father will be an issue at all.


4. Are there any family medical issues (both mom & dad's side)
A: There are no known medical issues on the mother’s side, no smoking, drinking, or drugs presently or in the past. She did not start receiving prenatal care until her 5th month, but since then has been going regularly with no issues. We do not have any history from the father’s side.


5. When the baby is born what happens? Are we notified? Do we get to meet her then ... or do we have to wait for the baby to be discharged from the hospital? A: When the baby is born, we will go visit her and the birth mom in the hospital and gauge where she is at in her adoption plan. We will then update you so you can figure out travel plans if needed. Birth mom cannot sign the consent for the adoption until 48 hours or upon discharge. We would then have you and Alya meet us at the hospital once she is discharged and then the baby would be discharged straight to your care.


6. Does the birth mother want to meet us? Does she want this to be a closed adoption/or does she want updates on the baby etc.? A: She chose not to meet you and does not have any questions for you at this time. She wants a semi-open adoption plan which is pictures and letters at 3, 6, 9, 12 months, and once a year on her birthday until she is 18.


7. When we take the baby home does that mean that the parents right are terminated? Is there any way of us possibly losing the baby after we have already brought her home? A: Parents’ rights are not terminated until the actual termination of parental rights (TPR) hearing which usually takes place approximately 3 months after placement. However, in the state of Florida once the consent is signed it is a permanent commitment unless it can be proven that the signature was obtained under fraud or duress. This placement would be considered an “at-risk” placement because of the birth father situation. Since we will publish, the birth father would have to see the publication and he would then have the 30 day period to notify the courts he would like to parent and then he would have another 30 day period to prove to the courts that he could parent, financially and emotionally. There has been only one time to date in a 5 year period where we have had a father step forward and request to parent and it did not end up happening.


8. Was there any alcohol or substance abuse during the pregnancy? A: No, there was none.


9. Could we lose any of our money once payed to the agency if the adoption does not go through as planned? A: It is broken up into 3 payments: $4000 at placement, $4800 at TPR and $4800 at finalization. All payments are non-refundable so the one that you could possibly lose in an at-risk placement would be the first payment of $4000.

10. In her birth plan does she say whether or not she wants to see or hold the baby after she is born? A: At this time, she feels she will want to see the baby, hold the baby, and feed the baby while in the hospital for closure

That's it so far ... can you think of anything else that I should ask?

Please friends pray for our b-momma ... I've learned a lot more about her situation today. Pray for healing.

Questions ...

Here are the questions that I just emailed our agency ... if you think of anything else that I should ask please leave a comment and I'll add it to the list. Thanks!



1. When does the birth mother plan on telling her parents that she is giving her baby up for adoption? Does she think that there will be a problem when she tells them? Do the grandparents have any rights towards the baby?


2. Is the birth mom really serious about giving her baby up? Or is she just entertaining the idea?

** just trying to prepare our hearts ... **

3. Does she know who the birth father is? Is he AA too? If she does not know the birth father what does that mean for us?

4. Are there any family medical issues (both mom & dad's side)

5. When the baby is born what happens? Are we notified? Do we get to meet her then ... or do we have to wait for the baby to be discharged from the hospital?

6. Does the birth mother want to meet us? Does she want this to be a closed adoption/or does she want updates on the baby etc.?

7. When we take the baby home does that mean that the parents right are terminated? Is there any way of us possibly losing the baby after we have already brought her home?

8. Was there any alcohol or substance abuse during the pregnancy?

9. Could we lose any of our money once payed to the agency if the adoption does not go through as planned?

When I Am Afraid ...

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. - Psalm 56:3

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. - Psalm 62:8

That's really the only choice I have right now ... to trust ... I refuse to go back where I was at the beginning of this journey. And so I'm just being real with Him ... I can't hide being scared of a broken heart again. I can't hide being anxious about not knowing how this is all going to work out. I can't hide the deepest parts of my heart ... but I can still choose to TRUST Him in the midst of all those things. I can choose to walk forward knowing that he is painting one of the most beautiful pictures in my life ... and I just don't want to get in the way of that.

I'll be sending out a list of questions about this particular match to our agency later this evening. Hopefully I will hear something back towards the beginning of the week. Praying for this b-momma right now ... I can't even imagine the battle going on in her heart right now. If you would ... could you pray for her too? Just pray for God to hold her and give her peace about whatever decision she is going to make. Pray that she allows God to guide her every step of the way. Pray that God provides someone to walk with her through this journey that won't judge her, but that would love her and speak truth into her life.

Don't Forget

Please don't forget that we are still selling fundraiser t-shirts over on adoptionbug.com to help bring baby Amiah home. :0)

Wrestling

There's a battle going on between my mind and my heart right now.

My mind is telling me not to give in ... my mind is telling me not to get my hopes up, because my heart is going to get broken like all the other times.

My heart is falling in love already. My heart is telling me I don't have to hold my breath anymore ... it's saying that it's time to take a huge sigh of relief. My heart is ready to finally hold that little girl in my arms...

We've been in a constant stage of waiting for the last three years. But each stage is so very different than the next ... I think this stage may just be the hardest. The stage where you know that you know that you are so so so close to reaching the end ... but it's also the stage where in a flash it could all be taken away and leave you standing back at square one all over again.

And to be honest I'm scared.

Last night a dear friend of mine invited me to go to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with her. I haven't ever really been a huge fan of his ... but I love his family's story and the way that God has worked through their lives. It was a really great evening and I'm super glad that I got to be there.

I think that one of the most powerful things that really hit my heart last night was at the very beginning of the night when SCC's son Caleb was sharing what God had revealed to him while learning how to heal after his little sisters death. He said that he thought when we were in the very darkest of times in our lives that it was like looking at this massive canvas ... it was supposed to be this really beautiful picture only you were standing too close, almost touching it with your nose where everything on the canvas appeared blurry. There was no way to make out what the picture was supposed to be. There was no way to understand what you were looking at. Nothing made sense. But then as time went by you took a small step backwards ... and you started to see little glimpses of what had been painted on the canvas. There were hints of beauty poking through and things started to become a little clearer ... but there was just no way to get far enough back to make it all make sense.

When those dark moments creep into our lives and we just can't seem to find God in any part of it is when we are looking too closely at the canvas. Everything is blurry and nothing makes sense. But as time goes by ... our hearts heal a little bit and we are able to see little glimpses of God directing all the pieces of our life to fit back together again. We are able to see God at work ... but nothing will ever be fully clear on this side of heaven. We won't completely understand why we've had to walk through these dark moments in our lives until we are with Him.

I've lived through the darkest times in my life while on this path of parenthood. I've come to points where I wanted to give up. There were times when I completely lost all hope in God. There were days where I didn't think I had the energy to pick up and go on living my life. There were times when I didn't know if my marriage would last. There were moments where I didn't know if I would even last. There were moments where I wondered if the tears would ever dry up or if my heart would ever stop aching ... But I never gave up ... and as each day has gone by it has gotten a little bit easier to see pieces of Him at work. Each day I have grown in my faith and hope that He really is creating something beautiful out of all the ashes we've walked through over the past three years. I will never really be able to see the picture clearly on this side of heaven ... but one day ... one day I will understand how beautiful the work He has created in my life will be. Until that time I just have to continue to trust in Him ... trust that He is good and faithful.

As the night went on SCC sang the song that goes "It's all yours God" ... and even though I know that everything is HIS ... it's still hard not to try and make it mine sometimes. It's hard to give up something that is so intertwined with your heart completely over. But it really is all HIS. This adoption is not Alya and I's ... this little girl is not mine ... she is HIS. All that I am doing is begging HIM to choose ME to love her.

I guess I'm just asking for lots and lots of prayer. I want sooooo badly to be so excited. But since this match might not be the real deal ... I'm sooooo scared. Yes, I am a strong woman ... this journey has proven that to me. But my heart is very fragile and I'm so afraid of it shattering again.

I found this verse on a friends facebook status:

"....Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5 : 36

I'm holding on to that verse with everything I have within me right now.

I Need Your Help ...

First I want to thank everyone for the sweet comments and continued prayers that were left on my last post. It was nice to see some of my blog lurkers come out of hiding :0)

I thought that I would post a blog asking for some of you to help me come up with questions that I should ask our agency about this particular birthmother match. When I was on the phone with our agency yesterday my brain totally went out the window and I didn't ask much of anything.

This is all that I know so far ...

1. baby is a an AA girl
2. mom is 21
3. mom has done all her pre-natal care and baby is healthy
4. mom is due Dec. 1 but is expected to give birth in the next 2-3 weeks.
5. mom has not told her parents about the adoption.

And that's literally all that I know ... and I want to know so much more but I don't even know where I should start with asking questions so here's where you come in ...
I want to get a list of questions together and send an email out to our agency over the weekend. So ... what kind of questions would you want to ask????? Come on blog lurkers I want to hear from you too. Seriously .... I need your help! :0)

Am I Glowing??

We got another call.

Annnnnnnd.

We were matched with a birthmother!

Remember how I just wrote in this post last night how I was kind of relieved that we didn't get matched with the birth momma due in December because I was freaking out about how we wouldn't have the money raised by then???

Yup ... that's the same one that we were matched with today. I was on the playground at recess when I got the call.

Here's the deal ... the birth mother hasn't told her own parents that she is giving her baby up for adoption. So even though she has chosen us as the adoptive parents ... anything can go down at the hospital after she delivers. We don't know if the birthmothers parents will try to make her change her mind about giving her baby up for adoption. She is due December 1st ... but is already 2cm dilated and they are thinking that she'll deliver within two to three weeks. It's so hard not to get one million percent excited about this ... but we have to kind of guard our hearts in case she changes her mind. It's going to be hard having to wait until the day of her delivery to know if she's really going to go through with it or not. So please please please just be praying for this situation.

As far as the finances go ... we got some EXTREMELY good news about that as well! Come to find out that we only need $4,000 when the baby is born ... another $4,800 3-6months later, and then the last $4,800 about a year after the adoption. That is totally doable! Why can't all adoption agencies be set up like this??

So ... today was the day ... the day that we recieved the news that could possibly change our lives forever. :0)

An Update

We got an email back from our agency this evening about current birthmothers that they are working with ...

The one mother that was looking at our profile decided to go with another couple. I only know this because her information was highlighted in blue meaning she has already been matched with adoptive parents.

That's totally cool.

Honestly, as much as I want to have that baby in my arms right this very second ... the thought of how in the world we were going to come up with the money by the end of December had me stressing a bit.

I really appreciate all the comments of encouragement and prayer that were sent our way after my last post. We really don't want to get a loan for this adoption. Not that I think that it's a bad thing or that nobody else should use a loan to adopt ... it's just something that Alya and I committed at the very beginning of this journey not to do and we want to stick to it. We do have 4 grants that have been sent out and we are praying that we would hear something back from them by January or February. We also have a huge golf tournament planned for Martin Luther King Day. So ... we do have things in the works ... and I really believe that we will have everything come together by January or February for us to be able to say yes to a child. It's just we aren't there yet ... and saying no is suuuuper hard! So I'm thankful that the 2nd birthmother that was looking at our profile chose someone else so that we wouldn't have to struggle with whether or not to say yes or no right now.

The other birth mothers that they are working with don't really match up with us. (as far as the type of adoptive parents the birthmothers are looking for) So .... we continue to wait for "the one".

I know things will happen. And I can't hardly wait for that day!

A Call ...

Not the call.

This time.

But a call. One that ended in a "no"

This sucks. I'm getting super sick of having to say no.

The call wasn't from the agency we are currently working with. It was a call from the agency that did our homestudy update. A birth mother called their office today saying that she was interested in giving her baby up for adoption. She is due December 30th. She's having an AA baby girl. All medical stuff is good ... mom is 23 and already has a 3 yr old little girl. She lives with her mother and just can't financially afford to support a second child right now. This particular agency's fees are $15,000 but don't include legal or birth mother fees. So our total cost would be around $22,000. We don't have that ... not even remotely close. So we had to say no.

Bummer.

I really am 100% confident in knowing that God is going to provide... in HIS own time.

I know that ... promise I do.

But try telling my heart not to hurt just a bit when I have to say no.

Yes, a few tears were shed. This isn't the first time I've had to say no ... honestly it's probably been a half dozen times. But it's not something that gets any easier.

I KNOW we are so close. I KNOW it's going to happen. But getting phone calls like this ... ones that steal a little piece of my hopeful heart ... well they sting a little bit.

Soon ... I won't have to say "no" ... I just have to keep reminding my heart of that.

soon ...

We Got The ....

We got the first email today from our adoption agency saying that our profile had been shown to a birth mother. Apparently it was shown ONE MONTH AGO lol and the birth mother is supposed to choose the adoptive parents for her baby next week! I know nothing about this particular child ... except that it's due December 1st. Our agency said that a lot of adoptive couples don't want to know if their profile is looked at unless it is chosen. But I let her know that I would like to know every time! lol ... just more prayers can go up that way! :0)


CRAZY!


So ... being real here ... I can't help but feel SUPER excited ... but totally freaked out all at the same time lol. I'm not really getting my hopes up (because we've already been through calls like this a million times) but the thing that I'm freaked out about is that we don't have all of our money raised yet. And that is the very reason why we have had to say no to other phone calls about potential matches. It bums me out soooo much to say no. Just pray for us friends ... I'm just praying that if this isn't the baby for us that doors would be immediately closed. And if it is .... that the money tree someone has in their back yard will start dropping some of its leaves in our adoption fund lol.

Exciting news ... just means that we are getting even closer! What's funny is that the last post that I wrote just last night was about our babies birth mother ... funny how I wrote that because I couldn't sleep and was up at 1am on a school night. Guess my heart was heavy for a reason.

sigh .... :0)