Wrestling

There's a battle going on between my mind and my heart right now.

My mind is telling me not to give in ... my mind is telling me not to get my hopes up, because my heart is going to get broken like all the other times.

My heart is falling in love already. My heart is telling me I don't have to hold my breath anymore ... it's saying that it's time to take a huge sigh of relief. My heart is ready to finally hold that little girl in my arms...

We've been in a constant stage of waiting for the last three years. But each stage is so very different than the next ... I think this stage may just be the hardest. The stage where you know that you know that you are so so so close to reaching the end ... but it's also the stage where in a flash it could all be taken away and leave you standing back at square one all over again.

And to be honest I'm scared.

Last night a dear friend of mine invited me to go to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with her. I haven't ever really been a huge fan of his ... but I love his family's story and the way that God has worked through their lives. It was a really great evening and I'm super glad that I got to be there.

I think that one of the most powerful things that really hit my heart last night was at the very beginning of the night when SCC's son Caleb was sharing what God had revealed to him while learning how to heal after his little sisters death. He said that he thought when we were in the very darkest of times in our lives that it was like looking at this massive canvas ... it was supposed to be this really beautiful picture only you were standing too close, almost touching it with your nose where everything on the canvas appeared blurry. There was no way to make out what the picture was supposed to be. There was no way to understand what you were looking at. Nothing made sense. But then as time went by you took a small step backwards ... and you started to see little glimpses of what had been painted on the canvas. There were hints of beauty poking through and things started to become a little clearer ... but there was just no way to get far enough back to make it all make sense.

When those dark moments creep into our lives and we just can't seem to find God in any part of it is when we are looking too closely at the canvas. Everything is blurry and nothing makes sense. But as time goes by ... our hearts heal a little bit and we are able to see little glimpses of God directing all the pieces of our life to fit back together again. We are able to see God at work ... but nothing will ever be fully clear on this side of heaven. We won't completely understand why we've had to walk through these dark moments in our lives until we are with Him.

I've lived through the darkest times in my life while on this path of parenthood. I've come to points where I wanted to give up. There were times when I completely lost all hope in God. There were days where I didn't think I had the energy to pick up and go on living my life. There were times when I didn't know if my marriage would last. There were moments where I didn't know if I would even last. There were moments where I wondered if the tears would ever dry up or if my heart would ever stop aching ... But I never gave up ... and as each day has gone by it has gotten a little bit easier to see pieces of Him at work. Each day I have grown in my faith and hope that He really is creating something beautiful out of all the ashes we've walked through over the past three years. I will never really be able to see the picture clearly on this side of heaven ... but one day ... one day I will understand how beautiful the work He has created in my life will be. Until that time I just have to continue to trust in Him ... trust that He is good and faithful.

As the night went on SCC sang the song that goes "It's all yours God" ... and even though I know that everything is HIS ... it's still hard not to try and make it mine sometimes. It's hard to give up something that is so intertwined with your heart completely over. But it really is all HIS. This adoption is not Alya and I's ... this little girl is not mine ... she is HIS. All that I am doing is begging HIM to choose ME to love her.

I guess I'm just asking for lots and lots of prayer. I want sooooo badly to be so excited. But since this match might not be the real deal ... I'm sooooo scared. Yes, I am a strong woman ... this journey has proven that to me. But my heart is very fragile and I'm so afraid of it shattering again.

I found this verse on a friends facebook status:

"....Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5 : 36

I'm holding on to that verse with everything I have within me right now.