Yesterday was really hard. I cried until there were no more tears. I slept for a long time. I woke up looking awful. My heart was really heavy when I woke up this morning. The tears found their way back again, and streamed down my face as I drove to school.
There are moments where I feel like I can pull my aching heart together. There are moments where I feel completely at peace. There are moments where I can talk and share how I am feeling and don't shed a single tear.
And then there are moments where I don't know when the tears will stop flowing. There are moments where my heart is still aching. And there are moments where I just want to run away from this bad dream.
I wish more than anything that I could just wake up and know that it was all just a nightmare. That something like this couldn't possibly happen to us again.
But, it wasn't a dream. Yes, it's still a nightmare ... one that quite honestly I didn't think that we would face again.
But we are.
And somehow we will walk through this valley again. It's still so hard. And it still feels unfair. And I don't think that I will ever understand.
But we walk.
We beg God for comfort.
Today would have been the day that we would have brought out little girl home from the hospital ...
I really hate that we couldn't do that today.
Now instead of dressing our little girl up in the clothes that we just bought ... I have to instead return them. That's going to be really hard. I wish that I didn't have to experience this pain again.
How many times God do we have to go through this?
I wish I could return them for you. You know God's answer to your question, too, Linds. In His perfect timing. He is paving the road for you and your lil family and these are *big bumps* and they *hurt* really bad, but He knows why and when and how and He will bring beauty from ashes, always. Always. His desires for us are always better than our own. I'm telling you what you know already. I am so, so sorry that you have to walk this path....
ReplyDeleteOH my gosh honey I am SOO sorry for your pain and hurting! I have NO idea what you are going through but I can't even imagine. I have a little story to share and I hope that it gives you hope! My dear friend is going through the same process as you! I haven't read all of your blogs or posts, but my friend too had a birth mom set up, she had the baby and the HOUR before they were to sign papers she backed out. That was 11 weeks ago. They too werent angry just more hurt by her. They had given her so much money, love support, etc. They agreed to continue showing her Gods love and how people treat others and how people are suppose to act. they got a call yesterday saying the birth mom wanted to give her to them as she was moving to a homeless shelter and couldn't do that to her child. I think she is finally realizing Gods love from my friend and her husband and is big enough to admit she made a mistake and knows her daughter will have a better life with them. I HOPE and PRAY for your situation that it will turn out good SOON! God has a plan and I am going through a difficult time wiht something else right now and I know its SO HARD to wait and not know but know that so many people are praying for you, God will provide answers soon! I will DEFINITELY be praying for you guys and I am soo sorry for your loss! :-( Take One day at a time and you can get through this!
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