I Have A Choice ...

Right after Christmas this past year I was trying to catch up on some of the blogs that I used to stalk read. As I was reading, I came across my friend April's blog and read this post. She had recently joined a weight loss program and had lost an incredible, I mean INCREDIABLE amount of weight! I probably went back to that post like ten different times ... something just kept drawing me back. I couldn't stop looking at her before and current picture ... 1. thinking/and knowing her story and how amazing she looked and 2. I wanted more than anything for that to be me. It just so happened that the program (Grace and Strength)that she was going through was offering a special and I had two days to sign up. (yeah, just two days) There really wasn't much time to think about things ... and normally I'm not a "diet" person ... but I just could not for the life of me stop thinking about it. It was just one of those things that you know, that you know, that you know that you are supposed to do it. So ... I did! I called and signed up! And my life has radically changed because of that decision.

I was told that the first step of the program was to come up with my "Why". A "Why" is the number one reason of why you want to change your life. It's what is supposed to help you keep going during the times where you might struggle during this process. A lot of people pick their families, or to be a healthier mom for their kids ... and yes, this is one of my "why's" but it's not my number one. I feel like I give a good impression of being a strong, confident woman. I always try to do my best to look like I have everything together and am happy with who I am. But it's all really just been a cover up for how insecure I really am. My #1 WHY is to be FREE. All my life I have tried to hide. I've been over weight my whole life and have never felt comfortable to just be FREE to do whatever my heart desired. I always used my weight as an excuse and embarrassment as to why I wouldn't try things. I have such a care free personality that lives deep down inside of me and I want to set that part of me FREE. I want to live the life that God intended me to live and not continue to hide away. I am so tired of hiding …. I know I was meant for so much more than that. This “why” is something I desperately WANT to achieve with my whole heart. And each day while on this program I am getting one more step closer to reaching that long awaited goal.

Here’s where my title of this post “I Have A Choice” comes in … over a year ago I wrote a post the day that our adoption fell through. We were supposed to take a little baby girl home the very next day and her momma changed her mind. In the midst of the shock, the sadness, the anger and the questioning I realized that I had a choice to make. See back when we lost our first foster daughter I went into a deep depression. I was 100% bitter towards God and hated my life. Nothing mattered more to me than becoming a momma … and the little love that we had was stripped away from me. I made a choice that day where I chose to become bitter and hate God. I made a choice to lose the joy that I had once had in my life. I chose that day to lose all hope. I chose that day to GIVE UP. And I was stuck in a DEEP, dark hole for a really long time. It took almost two years to get to the point where I was learning to forgive, where I was learning how to trust, and where I was learning to let go again. On the day that I found out that once again we had a little love that wouldn’t become ours I decided that in the midst of everything that was going on I wanted to choose something different. I wanted to choose to cling to hope, I wanted to choose to still find the good, I wanted to choose to still have joy … even though I was sad, and confused, and BROKEN … it was all okay, because I was choosing to hold onto God through every second of it. I knew that my journey would still be difficult, and I would still have a hurting heart … but I also knew that I would be carried through each and every second by my loving Father.

The day that I choose to give everything over to Him, my heart began to heal. The week after I made that choice to trust blindly and brokenly in his plan I got an email about our soon to be Josiah. :0) After all the heartache and all the hoops that we have had to endure … I don’t ever want to forget the freedom of that one little choice that day. Since becoming Josiah’s momma I have never in my life felt such a love as deep as I have for him. I can’t imagine how much greater my Father loves me. When I saw April’s blog post I desperately wanted the same freedom that she was experiencing. I am 100% an emotional eater … and after all of the infertility issues, the foster kids that have come and gone, and all the potential adoptions that never came I had gained close to 100 pounds. I had allowed food to become my comfort. I had allowed food to fix my issues. I had allowed food to become my refuge. Ultimately I had allowed food to become my God. I had to come to a point where I was just desperate … desperate to be freed from this bondage. It sounds kind of funny … but if you have ever struggled with being over weight that’s what it is … a bondage. It’s like our drug. And it eats away at any confidence, love, or respect that you could have for yourself. It’s something that slowly kills you from the inside out. And I was d.o.n.e allowing myself to be held captive any longer. I had to make that choice … I had to decide that I was worth it. I was worth the money, I was worth the sacrifice and I was worth the discomfort … because in the long run, I would become the real Lindsay that God intended me to be. I would find a stronger more real relationship with Him. I would learn to really love myself for the first time.

I am so grateful for that one chance that God used of me reading April’s blog and becoming inspired. I can’t even describe how happy I am now. And how I’m finally not allowing food to be my comfort … but that I’m running to God in those times instead. Grace and Strength isn’t just a diet … it’s a ministry. It’s not something that just focuses on getting you skinny and then you’re on your own. It’s 100% committed to helping you become free of those bondages and helping you to fix those issues so that you never have to go back to that old life again. They provide a coach and a team of believers that encourage and pray for you every single day. When I first started this journey I wasn’t sure that I was going to share with anyone. I was afraid that I might fail and then look retarded. But I decided that I needed to be vulnerable and transparent with people because if I could be inspired by that one little blog post of April’s and have my whole life turn around … why would I ever want to deny someone else of that freedom? So if you are interested, or simply just want someone to pray with you through your own journey of finding freedom I would love to talk with you. You can email me at rmber2smile@yahoo.com

Thanks for surviving through this super long post … I just had to share my heart. :0)
Now onto the pictures!! After 2 ½ months of being on the Grace and Strength Diet I have lost 40.4 pounds and 18.5 inches and gone down three pant sizes and two shirt sizes!








So excited and blessed for this new found freedom!