The month of August was like a whirl wind full of on the go craziness, new obstacles, and roller coaster rides of emotions. I.Am.So.Glad.August.Is.Over!!
Now to recap because I literally haven't had time to pee let alone sit down and blog. *so serious*
The last time I blogged was on a Tuesday with the pre-trial for "N's" parents coming on Thursday. Keep in mind the whole time that we were preparing for court to come we were thinking that the trial would be at the end of the month, parents would lose their rights, we would petition to adopt, and then she would be ours forever .... all in that order. Fast forward to the very next day, Wednesday ... I had just picked up all four littles from daycare when I got a call from "N's" GAL letting me know that her supervisor had just informed her that they were going to have to back track during court and give her dad more time for his case plan because there had been some serious miscommunication about all that he had actually completed so far. I don't even know how I answered her ... I almost started laughing thinking surely this was a joke. The adoption specialist had just been out to our house for goodness sake! And why in the world hadn't the caseworker called me!!?!?! I was so thankful for her GAL because it was totally not her job to contact me, she just cared and knew that we would be heartbroken.
The next day was the first day of school for the teachers. I had to leave in the morning for court at 10. I got in the car, turned it on and the very first song that was playing was Mandesa's "Overcomer". Oh my word, let the tears flow now .... so perfect. I walked into the courthouse chanting "You're an overcomer, You're an overcomer" over and over, willing my heart to believe those words. Praying that I could keep my emotions in check and say what I needed to say. Praying that I didn't have to sit and make small talk with dad ... because my heart just wasn't up for it on this day. Thankfully it was a packed courtroom ... I hid in the last row until her case was called. Sure enough, once we got through all the introductions her lawyer asked for the trial for TPR to be removed and that they were going to give him more time. That was the biggest SLAP in the face! To say I was devastated was an understatement. The judge apologized for my grief and that was that ... new court date with the magistrate on September 9th to review the case again. Talk about 10 steps backwards ... I flew out of that court room. I didn't want to talk to or look at anyone ... chanting "you're an overcomer, you're an overcomer" over and over again until I reached my car. I got inside and l.o.s.t.i.t. God why is this happening? Why are our hearts being jerked around? I don't want to be an overcomer God, I just want to love our baby girl and never have to be scared of losing her again. You've got this right??? 
I drove back to school feeling defeated. Feeling like I couldn't breathe, and that the tears would never stop flowing. Feeling misled and crushed that even though we are "just" foster parents we weren't important enough to be informed of the change. Later that day the lawyer actually called me (this has never happened in the last 5 years of fostering for us) and apologized for us not being informed of the changes. She explained all the reasons why she did what she did and what to expect to occur in the next couple of months. Did the conversation change what had happened? No, but it did make me feel so much better to be let in on the game plan, to know what to expect and why it was all being done. It allowed me to take a deep breath, acknowledge that yes, I am an overcomer, and know that God has always "had this". The next day I was called by a new supervisor for her case and informed of a new (4th) caseworker as well. I am very happy with this decision and am confident that it is a good change. So as of today, we are waiting for court again on Monday. It's another advisory hearing ... some things have happened so we are pursuing the goal of adoption again. We should get more court dates then ... stay tuned, and keep praying!
Now onto the boys.... We have had a 1 1/2 year old and a 9 mo. old since April Fools Day. Five months ... and now they are gone. They were reunited with their grandmother this past weekend. We have been doing a slow transition back home for the last two weeks. It is ridiculous how quiet our home is now. Having four littles 2 years old and under is a crazy fun time .... crazy, did I say crazy? I really didn't realize how much work it took to care for all of them. We made it happen every day. They were all taken care of, they were all loved ... we made the circus work. And we loved it. My heart is not okay with the decision to have them leave .... I'm scared, but I'm praying with all my might for protection for those sweet boys. It's out of our hands, we did all we could while they were with us. So now we just pray, and spend all this extra time we have now loving Josiah and "N" and each other until the next "call" comes. We packed up all of their clothes and all the baby things .... settling into a new normal again *whatever that is*.
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A note my hubby wrote to me on our bathroom mirror the last week of having the boys. "No matter what happens at the end of this week we did make life change. I believe we help even if it's just a little. We may lose them, I just hope they never forget us. I love you for your courage and ambition to love the unloved and give your heart and motherly arms to embrace them. You're my mommy hero. Love you 8"
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I just have to say that I am so very thankful for that sweet hubby of mine. He is a man of very little spoken words ... but he has always stood by my side through all of the ups and downs fostering and adoption have thrown at us. Together we make one hell of a team, one that will always and forever fight and love our littles with everything within us.
