n
1. continued steady belief or efforts, withstanding discouragement or difficulty; persistence
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January 15, 2014 is a date that I don't think that I will ever forget.
It was a day that I never thought we would reach.
It took 15 months 20 days and a whole lot of tears, ups and downs, a loss, a second embrace and persistence ....
And then one day the end came.
It's taken me almost a week to sit down and finally put words to all the emotions I've been feeling ever since that day. And to be honest I really don't even know if I can. I don't know if there is a word that can describe excitement, sadness, relief, anger and unbelief all rolled into one. If you discover that word please let me know.
Am I happy about the outcome? Oh you better believe it ... but there is just so much more than excitement in a journey like this. It's deeper, it's more complicated.
And so I've just been kind of quiet. I've needed time to process ... to slow down and just breathe for the first time in those 15 months and 20 days.
Let me back track a little bit to before that monumental day. The week before the trial I had been having crazy nightmares about what was going to happen to N and our family. One night I had a dream that our lawyer told us that we weren't going to be able to adopt her, that another family had been chosen instead. Just crazy stuff like that. And to be honest, all these crazy things my brain decided to create in my fitful sleep wouldn't surprise me if they actually happened. The system is messed up sometimes ... and things that just don't make sense happen all the stinkin time. Even now a part of me is still cautious until those final papers get signed.
On Wednesday morning I went to work like any day, but had scheduled to have a sub come take over my class so that I could to go the TPR trial at 1:00. On the way to the court house I received a text from our caseworker saying that her dad had signed surrenders that morning. I l.o.s.t. it ... like ugly cry kind of lost it. I couldn't believe it ... for several months I thought that dad was going to surrender his rights ... but he just kept hanging on, so I didn't expect him to surrender his rights before the trial started. It was like this huge relief to know that I was going into court knowing that half the battle had been taken care of. I parked the car, went to the bathroom and shot my #fostercarecrew mommas a WWPD pic before I went into court.
**Back story ... so I met this group of foster moms on Instagram back in August(ish). We immediately formed a bond and now call our selves the #fostercarecrew. Our mantra for our group is the verse in Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. During a search for an anchor to go with our verse on our FB page a picture of Popeye was stumbled across. So now we have a little inside joke about WWPD? What Would Popeye Do? - I know, I know ... it's funny to us though, so hush. So now whenever one of us mommas has a big court day, visit, etc we put on our Popeye face and give the day all we have.**
So, now that you know the back story, here is my pre-trial Popeye face.
Friends, literally the second that I posted that picture for my girls, N's bio mom's lawyer came walking down the hallway looking for ME! She told me that she had mom in the courtroom and that she was ready to sign surrenders but was wondering if I would be willing to send her pictures and updates. She told me that I was under no legal restraint to follow through with any of that, but wanted to ask. I didn't even hesitate to say yes. I know that this situation is messy. I know that there is a lot of things that could or could not go wrong with opening up a connection with her bio mom. There is one thing that I don't want to happen though ... I don't want to close a door that isn't mine to close. At this point I don't know what type of a relationship we will have with her bio parents. But I am okay with sending letters and pictures .... I want them to see that she is loved and cared for, that she is happy and healthy.
After I chatted with bio mom's lawyer for a few minutes we went into the court room and she signed surrenders right then and there. I was asked if I would like to chat with mom and tell her myself that I would be willing to send her updates ... in the moment I said no, but now looking back I wish that I would have. I think that I was just in utter shock about what all was going on. I felt like I was dreaming ... I mean we didn't have to fight. I don't even know what that looks like. I don't know what that feels like. Every single day for these past 6 years of loving and caring for other mommas littles has been a battle. Some of those battles ended in a healthy reunification and some of those battles ended in what I feel was a loss.
When we lost N back in March it was a death for our family. We had loved a little girl with everything we had for five months ... and then one day she was just gone. All of her things, her crib, her car seat, her toys .... they were all there ... but she was gone. No, at the time she was not "ours", but we don't have a filter to turn off and on when God brings a child into our home to take care of. Some people can do this ... but I just can't, and I don't ever wish to. And then the day came in May where I got a call saying that she was coming back into care ... that she was adoptable ... that it would still take some time ... but was I interested?
I can't even describe to you what that feeling was like. I know I stood there open mouthed in the mix of my three current littles playing around me. I started pacing from room to room ... "umm yes, of course we want her. Wait are you for real right now? We have three littles ... but we can make it work ... we just need another crib. YES! YES! We want her!" I still cry thinking about that phone call ...
And then nine months later *haha ... I just got that - man God sure does care about those little heart things ... guess I've been preparing all this time to finally have her become official** we are awaiting the day for her to become an official Cotton.
After the mom signed surrenders she was taken back and the our judge came out to talk with us. Obviously there would be no trial now, and he wanted to know what was going on. He talked with me for a few minutes *I thought he had been mad at me because a few months earlier I had introduced myself as Lindsay Cotton - adoptive mom instead of foster mom and ever since that day he never recognized me being at court. So for him to talk to me was a huge relief lol* He thanked me for loving and caring for N. He apologized for how long this case had been taking and said that he knew we had been waiting a long time for this day. He said that things should go rather quickly now that they had surrendered. He told me that all I had to do was to fill out an adoption application and find a lawyer, both of which I was able to say were done! So now all we have to do is wait for the legal paperwork stuff to be submitted and this can be a DONE deal. There is a permanency hearing this Wednesday ..... I won't be there, but I'm praying we will be able to get our finalization date.
After court I walked back to my car with our GAL whom I will be forever thankful for. She is the only one that has been with us throughout this WHOLE case. I still don't think that I had processed what had just happened. It still felt like such a blur.
I got to my car and fell apart. I walked into court that day prepared for a fight ... prepared for a long drawn out battle. And what had happened was everything but that. I wasn't prepared for that .... I didn't know how to not be tense, how to not be ready for battle, how to not be prepared for disappointment. And then I sent this WWPD? picture to my girls #popeyeprobablyuglycriedtoo
My whole life all I wanted to be was a momma. I never ever dreamed it would be so hard. I never thought I would have to fight, I never dreamed I would experience such loss. I wanted the rainbows and unicorns, but God planned something different.
Adoption is such a beautiful thing. I'll always be a huge advocate for foster care and adoption. But friends with it comes much loss and pain. Not just with us, but for our littles, and for the bio parents. That's why I can't explain all the emotions that are running around in my heart right now. I'm relieved and happy that we don't EVER have to fear saying goodbye to our daughter again. As happy as I am about she becoming ours, I'm also deeply saddened at the loss that her bio parents are facing right now. They are missing out on watching the most beautiful sassy little girl grow up. They've missed all the special firsts with their daughter. Yes, they made the choices that they did ... and I only pray that they take this time and learn and change ... but they are still experiencing a loss. My heart aches for my daughter, that one day I will have to explain why her birth parents couldn't care for her. My heart hurts because I lost so much time being able to dream about her life. When we adopted Josiah we were able to take him straight from the hospital and never worry about a day where he wouldn't be ours. We could dream freely ... with N I lost that. As much as we loved and prayed that she would be ours forever, not a minute went by where we didn't fear saying goodbye. So to experience this freedom is very foreign to me. I'm thankful for it ... but it's going to take some time to adjust.
A song that really spoke to my heart during this crazy roller coaster was the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.
I'm Tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
This last part is what I can belt out now ... redemption has won. The struggle will end. He is mending a heart that is frail and torn.
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I'm so thankful for each and everyone of you that have prayed and cried with us. Thank you for celebrating with us. We just have one more hoop ... and then she is finally 100%! The title of this post is Beloved .... it is the meaning of her new name. Stay tuned for the final court date!
