LOVE

I've caught myself thinking about the meaning of this word the past couple of weeks. Wondering if I really understand what it means. Wondering if I really understand what it should look like.

And when I really sit down and make myself admit to it, I know that I fail every day at loving the way Jesus commanded us to love.

But I also know, that I want more of it. I know that my heart desires to love more like he did. To be more pure and honest in my intentions to love.

Some days I suck at loving other people. A lot of days I am selfish ... because sometimes loving other people is a really hard thing to do. But each day is a new day ... and each day I want to love more purely and intentionally.

There is a little boy that God has brought into my life this year. And some days I just want to ask God why he brought him into my life because I know for a fact I wasn't praying for patience. But you know what ... I think I have finally figured out why He did bring him into my life. He brought him into my life to teach me how to really love. He brought him into my life to help me learn how to love so patiently it hurts. To learn how to love through pain. To love through frustration. To learn to love when it's hard. And it has been HARD! But I love this little boy with everything inside of me ...

He came in one day wearing the same clothes he had on the day before. He was filthy. I have to clean his face and neck off with baby wipes almost every morning. On this particular day his clothes were literally beyond dirty. I found a new pair of clothes for him to change into and told him to go ahead and change. I was walking outside and all of a sudden I felt someone run up to me and give me a huge hug from behind ... and then he ran away again. He didn't have to say anything to me ... but I know that he was thankful for those new clothes. I know for even a split second of his life he felt loved and cared for by someone.

Through working with the foster system this past year and a half I've learned that it's not necessarily that some momma's don't love their kids ... it's just that some momma's can't love their kids more than their addictions. So, I guess that's where I come in ... sometimes I just want to be selfish and say that I only want to love kids that can be forever mine. But I truly believe that God gave me an extra sensitive heart to love on those kiddos who's momma's just can't love them the way they should right now.

Although our time with the boys was one of the hardest times in my life ... I left that situation feeling like I had failed at loving them enough. I know that I did what I could at the time ... but I always think that I could have done more. I am thankful for the things that I have learned from them. I am thankful for another opportunity to love when it's not easy to love. I'm thankful that I've been chosen to be placed in this little man's life. I just pray that I don't fail. Most days loving this little man is the hardest part of my day. He doesn't make it easy ... but then again, who's made life easy for him? He has simply learned to survive each and every day. He has had no one to trust. He has already lost his child like innocence. So ... why should he make it easy to love him? No one has ever shown him real authentic love before. My prayer is ... let that person be me. Even with all the daily battles ... let that person be me.