I Dreamed

I've had a hard couple of evenings these past few days. Just feeling a deep aching of wanting needing to be a momma. I'm usually fine if I can keep busy with something, but once I come home, things settle down .... and there just seems to be something missing in our home. It's been a little hard to let go of this past adoption that fell through. You see, I don't know about you, but dream a lot. I day dream. I dream in my sleep. Things become so real to me. That baby became real to me. I would imagine over and over what it would be like when we first met her. I would imagine how Alya would respond when he met his daughter for the first time. I would imagine being able to finally say for the first time that "I'm finally a mommy". I imagined bringing her home with us, being able to go through all the 'firsts' with her. I imagined what it would be like to bring her home to Ohio with us and sharing our little joy with my family at Christmas. It just all became so real to me. And it's hard to get those images out of my head now. It's hard to back track. See she already became part of my heart. And that's hard to let go of. I pray that her momma is getting the support that she needs to raise her four children. I can't imagine how hard it is to be so young and raising four children under the age of four. I know that obviously this was not the child that God had intended for us .... but it doesn't take away how much it hurts when you learn that what you had dreamed, what you had felt peace about is no longer a part of your life. It's a hard thing to experience. It's a hard thing to explain. It's a hard thing to move on from.

I went ahead and emailed our agency yesterday to let them know that we would like to change our profile to being willing to accept any match that comes our way. I just keep praying because we have chosen to be a little more open that we'll get matched again quickly.

The idea of being matched again excites me but terrifies me all at the same time. Of course, I'm so ready to be matched, so ready to bring home our baby, so ready for this roller coaster ride to be over. But I am so scared that what we are experiencing now is going to happen to us all over again. I am not in any way trying to be negative or say that I am lacking faith. This very thing has happened to us repeatedly. And I just wish I knew why. Sometimes I just feel like I'm failing at something. I'm doing something wrong. And I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to trust any more than I am. I don't know how to be any more open than we already have. I have learned that just the expected normal waiting part of an adoption that everyone has to go through can't even compare to the waiting, getting matched, being heart broken, and then repeat many many times over and over again. I wish that I could have just gone through the waiting without getting phone calls that got me excited. I wish that I didn't have to go through getting my hopes up and then having my heart broken. I wish that I could have just waited until it was TIME. I know that God has some CRAZY plan for ALLLLLL that we have gone through. I know that He is creating something beautiful. But when you are in the midst of it all, it's hard to understand the constant heart break. It's hard to understand how I can be used to my fullest potential when I'm constantly dealing with a broken heart. What seems to be the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that I felt SO SO SO much peace about the last adoption going through. And so now, I just question myself all the time. I'm constantly seeking God through all of this ... but I just don't understand why I felt so much peace (when I usually never do) why this has happened again?

Being at school is really hard for me right now. I love love love what I do. But I had planned to be out until after Christmas break loving on my new little love. My heart just isn't in it right now. I'm trying to change that ... because I really do love my other bigger babies. But when you've dreamed up how things could have been ... and how real it all seemed, and then had it all come crashing down, it's just hard. There's really no other way to explain it. It's hard. It sucks so bad. It hurts more than anything.

I am so ready for my dreams to become reality.