I'm getting a huge dose on what it means to be self - less here lately.
It's really all apart of being a mom ....
Everything becomes about them and not so much about you anymore. And I have waited for this opportunity for so long.
Being Josiah's mommy has been so easy. The road to adoption was so long and so tiring ... but now that he is actually here in our lives it's been such a smooth and easy transition. And I am so thankful for him and the blessing that he has been to our lives.
Being a foster mom on the other hand, is the hardest job I have ever had.
The girls have been here for almost four weeks. The first couple of weeks were really difficult with our oldest (6) ... we had to deal with really really really bad tantrums. But we finally got to a point where it all stopped ... and we made it for almost 2 whole weeks before she had another episode. But then they started up again three days ago ... Sometimes I just feel like a failure. I feel like I can't love hard or deep enough. I don't know how to help her ... I don't know how to fix it ... I don't know how to convince her that she is safe and that we love her.
It's all very frustrating and overwhelming and I just feel burnt out. I get so frustrated with myself because I can't give 100% to every little thing or one in my life right now. Being a foster parent means that you give up your comfort zone ... it means loving even when it's hard. It means letting go of your normal routines and fully embracing all the visitations and counseling and meetings that go on with the kids that you take in. It means dealing with a broken system on a daily basis. It means being a VOICE when no one else around is speaking loud enough.
One of my friends asked me after I had just dealt with a four hour long tantrum if I regretted taking them in ...
I told her, well in the middle of a huge tantrum ... I can't lie and say that doesn't cross my mind once or twice. But you know ... they deserve to be loved just as much as Josiah is loved. They deserve to be wanted just as much as Josiah was wanted. They deserve to feel safe and cared for. And if I am the only one that can offer all that to them ... then let it be me. I'm not going to lie ... the selfishness of being human sill lies there. It's a battle every day to not want to throw in the towel and just walk away. But I know that I have to choose to fight FOR them and not AGAINST them. I know I have to do it because who else is?
Tonight was rough ... but I'm committing to making tomorrow better.
what you said was so beautiful! hope tomorrow is a better day!
ReplyDeletebtw, new follower here! wishing you luck in your journey :)
Fostering is really hard. It is truly a hero's journey. My foster daughter, now my daughter, is 20. I believe it took 12 years for her to actually understand and believe that we were family and she could trust me. I took many trauma seminars to understand the brain and it's recovery from same. The number was 9 years that I held onto as it appears to be the # for traumatized adult drug addicts. The last 3 of the 12 were the hardest, but we MADE IT! She knows I love her and that we are for each other for life. My Rock was Jesus and his steady assurance to stay the course, keep loving no matter what. We did use some bonding therapy. The secret to understand is that if they weren't bonded with, they don't know how to bond, so all affection extended is thrown back in your face. You pursue bonding through artificial means including bottling. There's lots of research on this. You're a good mommy, don't give up.
ReplyDelete