The Green Mile

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! My alarm blares for me to get my butt out of bed. It's the dreaded morning ... I hit the snooze button, close my eyes and pray pray pray that this is just a nightmare and I don't really have to face reality that today is the day that we are losing our sweet little love.

Seven minutes pass by .... BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Crap ...

I drag myself out of bed, get dressed, do my hair (though I think what's the point it's pouring outside - fitting huh -) , and put on my makeup (waste of time, I've already cried half of it off before I can even finish). I run through the morning routine in a fog, silent tears running down my cheeks as I hurry to get things together for us to leave for court. I lift baby girl out of her bassinet in our room and carry her to the changing table in Josiah's room. She smiles and stretches and starts talking to me. I smile and sob, and laugh and sob ... and sob .... and sob. Oh sweet baby I'm going to miss this time with you. We get everything packed up, babysitter for Josiah arrives and we leave the house to pick up my mom. (p.s. I'm so thankful for her being there that morning ... there is nothing like knowing you have your own mom - your rock - standing with you through one of the most difficult moments of your life)

I sat in the backseat of the van so that I could feed her and spend the last few minutes just her and I. We arrived at the ridiculously huge courthouse -lost of course, because we've never been to court before -. The caseworker finds us roaming the hallways and takes us down another hallway to where the dad and the aunt are waiting. I felt like I was walking the "green mile" ...

We were introduced to the aunt and her friend. The caseworker asked if I would allow dad to hold baby girl. I said sure, handed her over and LOST IT completely. I had to turn and face the wall in order to try and control the silent sobs that were shaking my body. After a little while the caseworker asked if we could spend a little more time with her before the court case started. We took her and played and talked with her, finding those tickle spots and making her giggle. I fed her one last bottle and she fell asleep in my arms. Waiting for a court case to happen is like waiting at a doctor's office ... we waited for over an hour to be called into the room. We all walked in and started to sit down and Alya and I were immediately told to stand up front in between the parents and the DCF lawyers. Her mom and I locked eyes at once ... this is the first time she has seen her since she was born ... mom had tears in her eyes ...... I know it's weird but I felt this connection with her. I wanted to tell her that she had the most beautiful daughter. That she had the sweetest spirit. And that we were so in love with her. But I couldn't .... so I just said those things through my eyes and willing my heart to speak to hers.

The judge asked who we were and then called the aunt up. She asked how long she had known baby girl, her reply - I just met her in the hallway. All parties had agreed that a change in placement with a family member was in the best interest of the child. The judge then called the lawyers to talk with her privately and she kept looking over at Alya and I (while I silently sobbed rocking baby girl in my arms), then talked to the lawyers, then would look at us ... back and forth back and forth. And I was like oh my how amazing would it be for her to say, "Mr. and Mrs.Cotton I think she needs to continue to stay with you". She excused the lawyers and then turned to Alya and I. She said I'm going to agree to the placement with the aunt, but I want to thank you for all that you have done for baby girl. It is obvious that you have loved her very much. Everyone that has spoken to me has said that you have gone above and beyond caring for her. I'm sorry that as foster parents things don't always work out the way that you hope and I know that this is killing you. But I thank you for all that you have done. Boom ... case dismissed.

We left the courtroom and spent a last few minutes holding and loving on our sweet little love. I had made a little scrapbook for baby girl to have of pictures of her with us and Josiah and all of her little "holiday firsts". I gave it to the aunt who said that it was beautiful and that she would keep it forever for her. She asked us for our information so that she could send us pictures. She gave us her information as well. For that I am thankful. We walked to the front doors of the court house and handed her over to the aunt. We had to meet them in the parking lot to give them all of her things. And that was it ... the aunt left with the sweetest gift that she could have ever received, and we left empty handed and broken hearted.

We returned home to our little man who promptly brought over one of her pink toys and said "baby?, baby?". Deep breath ... yup buddy that's the babies. She had to go bye bye. *tear

Yesterday morning was so hard. I woke up, dragged myself out of bed and was immediately faced with her empty bassinet. Found some dirty bottles we hadn't yet washed. Crap, there's her passie we forgot to pack. And my heart breaks a little more and the tears start to fall. Then on the baby monitor I hear the most beautiful words my heart has ever heard - "Momma" "Momma" "Momma" Josiah was calling me from his crib to get out of bed. My heart was still hurting, and I was still missing her ... but I was ever so thankful for our little man who would always call me momma. He has my heart.

I was reading a devotional yesterday and it was one of those - did you write this one for me??? Because it was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly that time.

It was talking about being in a pit and what you choose to do while you are stuck in that pit. Sometimes we find ourselves dealing with situations that we didn't expect, don't ever want to face and well just plain suck. I'll be honest my first reaction has usually been something like this: "God, why are you allowing this to happen?" "God, this isn't fair." "God this is far too much for my heart to bear!" And the all to famous .... "Why?" The devotional had me read about Daniel and how he had just learned that anyone who prayed to any god besides King Darius would be thrown into a lions den. Want to know what he went and did?? He threw open his windows and prayed anyway. He didn't pray God this isn't fair!" He didn't pray "God save me". He didn't pray "God make me into a bird and let me fly far far away from here." He prayed "Thank you God" "Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before" Daniel 6:10 The devotional went on to talk about how our initial responses to situations are the by-product of the rituals we've established in our lives. Daniel built up a habit of being thankful. "Who God is and what god provides was front and center in Daniel's heart -even in the midst of the heartbreak."

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Even in the midst of our heartbreak there is still a place to be thankful.

Is my heart breaking? 1 million percent YES. I miss that sweet little love more than anything. It is still okay for me to grieve our loss ... it's still okay for me to be sad and miss her. But it's not okay for me to stay in that pit and overlook all the amazing things God was doing and will continue to do through her little life. And I'm thankful that I'm not in the same deep dark pit I was in when we lost Hope. But it is easy to focus on the sadness sometimes and forget about the good. So I'm going to end this post with all that I have and will continue to be thankful for from this situation.

* I'm thankful for cuddles.

* I'm thankful for the chance to love her with a momma's heart when her own momma couldn't.

* I'm thankful for the special bond Josiah and baby girl had with each other. It was a beautiful thing ...

* I'm thankful that God has called us to this hard journey.

* I'm thankful for the chance to watch Alya interact with her. He really is an amazing daddy. He loves his babies so much.

* I'm thankful for when Alya leans in to kiss me good morning and whispers "I miss her too".

* I'm thankful that Josiah provides us with laughter and smiles even when things are still hard.

* I'm thankful that God has given me a heart to both love and grieve fiercely.

* I'm thankful for those friends who pray with us and love us through the hard times. I'm thankful when they give us room to grieve and agree that things suck sometimes. I'm thankful that they don't try to "fix it" ... but they are just there to love us.

* I'm thankful that I'm not a quitter ... and that I've been called to be a momma to many.

Little Love

 

It’s been awhile … okay a year … but I desperately need a place to allow my emotions flow. So excuse me as I dump raw emotions all over my blog page without the least bit of insight on what the rest of the year has been like. I’ve missed this space, this time to process all the good and the bad that our family has experienced day to day. Today is … sad. It’s raw. It’s aching … but eventually it will be okay again. We took in a new little love into our home the day before Thanksgiving. She has brought so much joy into our lives. We knew that this situation was most likely temporary, but oh we prayed that for once an adoption could come easy to us … not so much *hey a girl can dream can’t she?*. She leaves us on Monday (after 105 days with us) and I just need to let some emotions escape before I explode.

 

People tell me all the time that they would never be able to foster. That they could never be that strong; that they would never be able to give the kids back again. They ask me why I keep doing it time and time again. Well … I ask myself that very same question all the time. Lindsay, why do you keep putting your heart out there, loving so deeply and madly only to get crushed over and over again? The answer: because I am madly in love with kids. Because I’ve known my whole entire life that I have always been meant to be a mom … it’s just it took awhile to understand that it didn’t matter who I was a mom to, or for how long. My heart beats motherhood. I’m not some super mom who has some type of crazy strength … actually at this moment I feel like I’m the complete opposite. I’m broken … I take one look at that sweet little baby and I can’t help but tear up at how much I’m going to miss her little coo’s and that sweet sweet smile. I’m sick at the idea of her leaving … and my heart, for the second time out of the six littles we have fostered feels uneasy about letting her go. Legally, she’s not mine … I have no say … oh but you can’t keep this momma’s heart from knowing and feeling what is really  the "right” thing, or what is really in the “best interest of the child”, or rather 'not in the best interest'. I’m not saying all of this just because I want to keep her .. because I do, but with our other four littles I knew in my heart that they were going to the right place. Our first little love I knew deep down that she would find herself back in the system again … and that came true. I know God has this under control, I know he doesn’t need my help … and I know that I will never ever understand. So this time around I’m not trying to ‘control’, I’m just asking for peace. Does my heart still ache?? Yes … sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. She was so perfect; it was so easy to add her into our family of three. Josiah was crazy in love with her. He was such an awesome big brother … it just all felt perfect, it felt complete. But this dream, like so many of the other ones, must come to an end. And we will move on ... but for right now there will be a time of sadness and a time where will will mourn the loss of another sweet little love. 

 

 So, why keep doing this over and over again only to keep getting my heart broken each time? Because I have to … each time there is a hope, each time there is a little love who needs all that I can give, each time is an opportunity of another “Josiah”. I would say Alya and I’s journey to become parents has been anything but rainbows and unicorns. It’s been hard. It’s been messy. It’s been full of sorrow. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. But in the end I have grown, I’ve discovered a strength I never knew I had, I’ve loved harder and experienced life in ways no one else ever has. I know beyond a doubt that there are more little loves that will come into our lives … how can I say no to bringing them into our family – even for a short time – when all I have to give is love?

 

It’s not the same as when we lost our Hope … I was in such a different place then than where I am at now. Back then I felt despair. I felt lost, angry and my heart was full of bitterness. I felt betrayed by God and just completely and utterly lost with how I was supposed to think, feel and act. I felt like my heart had been ripped outside of my chest and that there was a hole left that nothing would ever be able to fill or repair. I’ll be honest; there is still a hole there. I don’t think that it will ever be completely mended … I don’t think that when you have loved someone - a child -  so deeply that there will ever be something that will be able to fill it's place. They are my children whether blood or the state say otherwise. I will forever carry them in my heart. We've known for a week now that she would be leaving. And I can't help but feel like I'm preparing for a death. It sounds awful ... but it is kind of like that. So each day we have been loving to the fullest and getting all the snuggles that we can. It's been a really awesome family week ... just the four of us. I'll always cherrish these last few days with her.

 

Tomorrow is our last day as a family of four. We were given the choice to have her and her things picked up from daycare on Monday by a trasporter, or for us to bring her to court. This is so different for us ... last time someone came to our house and took our little love from our arms. This time I'm the one giving her away. Oh, how that breaks my heart ... and how I would just love to run away with her instead. But as a momma, I want to meet the woman that she will be living with. I want to share all the amazing things about this special little girl that has stolen my heart. When you become a mom you choose to do the hard things because you love so much. I'm praying for peace ... I'm praying for a connection ... I'm praying for something bigger than I could ever dream of to happen.