Little Love

 

It’s been awhile … okay a year … but I desperately need a place to allow my emotions flow. So excuse me as I dump raw emotions all over my blog page without the least bit of insight on what the rest of the year has been like. I’ve missed this space, this time to process all the good and the bad that our family has experienced day to day. Today is … sad. It’s raw. It’s aching … but eventually it will be okay again. We took in a new little love into our home the day before Thanksgiving. She has brought so much joy into our lives. We knew that this situation was most likely temporary, but oh we prayed that for once an adoption could come easy to us … not so much *hey a girl can dream can’t she?*. She leaves us on Monday (after 105 days with us) and I just need to let some emotions escape before I explode.

 

People tell me all the time that they would never be able to foster. That they could never be that strong; that they would never be able to give the kids back again. They ask me why I keep doing it time and time again. Well … I ask myself that very same question all the time. Lindsay, why do you keep putting your heart out there, loving so deeply and madly only to get crushed over and over again? The answer: because I am madly in love with kids. Because I’ve known my whole entire life that I have always been meant to be a mom … it’s just it took awhile to understand that it didn’t matter who I was a mom to, or for how long. My heart beats motherhood. I’m not some super mom who has some type of crazy strength … actually at this moment I feel like I’m the complete opposite. I’m broken … I take one look at that sweet little baby and I can’t help but tear up at how much I’m going to miss her little coo’s and that sweet sweet smile. I’m sick at the idea of her leaving … and my heart, for the second time out of the six littles we have fostered feels uneasy about letting her go. Legally, she’s not mine … I have no say … oh but you can’t keep this momma’s heart from knowing and feeling what is really  the "right” thing, or what is really in the “best interest of the child”, or rather 'not in the best interest'. I’m not saying all of this just because I want to keep her .. because I do, but with our other four littles I knew in my heart that they were going to the right place. Our first little love I knew deep down that she would find herself back in the system again … and that came true. I know God has this under control, I know he doesn’t need my help … and I know that I will never ever understand. So this time around I’m not trying to ‘control’, I’m just asking for peace. Does my heart still ache?? Yes … sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. She was so perfect; it was so easy to add her into our family of three. Josiah was crazy in love with her. He was such an awesome big brother … it just all felt perfect, it felt complete. But this dream, like so many of the other ones, must come to an end. And we will move on ... but for right now there will be a time of sadness and a time where will will mourn the loss of another sweet little love. 

 

 So, why keep doing this over and over again only to keep getting my heart broken each time? Because I have to … each time there is a hope, each time there is a little love who needs all that I can give, each time is an opportunity of another “Josiah”. I would say Alya and I’s journey to become parents has been anything but rainbows and unicorns. It’s been hard. It’s been messy. It’s been full of sorrow. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. But in the end I have grown, I’ve discovered a strength I never knew I had, I’ve loved harder and experienced life in ways no one else ever has. I know beyond a doubt that there are more little loves that will come into our lives … how can I say no to bringing them into our family – even for a short time – when all I have to give is love?

 

It’s not the same as when we lost our Hope … I was in such a different place then than where I am at now. Back then I felt despair. I felt lost, angry and my heart was full of bitterness. I felt betrayed by God and just completely and utterly lost with how I was supposed to think, feel and act. I felt like my heart had been ripped outside of my chest and that there was a hole left that nothing would ever be able to fill or repair. I’ll be honest; there is still a hole there. I don’t think that it will ever be completely mended … I don’t think that when you have loved someone - a child -  so deeply that there will ever be something that will be able to fill it's place. They are my children whether blood or the state say otherwise. I will forever carry them in my heart. We've known for a week now that she would be leaving. And I can't help but feel like I'm preparing for a death. It sounds awful ... but it is kind of like that. So each day we have been loving to the fullest and getting all the snuggles that we can. It's been a really awesome family week ... just the four of us. I'll always cherrish these last few days with her.

 

Tomorrow is our last day as a family of four. We were given the choice to have her and her things picked up from daycare on Monday by a trasporter, or for us to bring her to court. This is so different for us ... last time someone came to our house and took our little love from our arms. This time I'm the one giving her away. Oh, how that breaks my heart ... and how I would just love to run away with her instead. But as a momma, I want to meet the woman that she will be living with. I want to share all the amazing things about this special little girl that has stolen my heart. When you become a mom you choose to do the hard things because you love so much. I'm praying for peace ... I'm praying for a connection ... I'm praying for something bigger than I could ever dream of to happen.