I Have A Choice ...

Right after Christmas this past year I was trying to catch up on some of the blogs that I used to stalk read. As I was reading, I came across my friend April's blog and read this post. She had recently joined a weight loss program and had lost an incredible, I mean INCREDIABLE amount of weight! I probably went back to that post like ten different times ... something just kept drawing me back. I couldn't stop looking at her before and current picture ... 1. thinking/and knowing her story and how amazing she looked and 2. I wanted more than anything for that to be me. It just so happened that the program (Grace and Strength)that she was going through was offering a special and I had two days to sign up. (yeah, just two days) There really wasn't much time to think about things ... and normally I'm not a "diet" person ... but I just could not for the life of me stop thinking about it. It was just one of those things that you know, that you know, that you know that you are supposed to do it. So ... I did! I called and signed up! And my life has radically changed because of that decision.

I was told that the first step of the program was to come up with my "Why". A "Why" is the number one reason of why you want to change your life. It's what is supposed to help you keep going during the times where you might struggle during this process. A lot of people pick their families, or to be a healthier mom for their kids ... and yes, this is one of my "why's" but it's not my number one. I feel like I give a good impression of being a strong, confident woman. I always try to do my best to look like I have everything together and am happy with who I am. But it's all really just been a cover up for how insecure I really am. My #1 WHY is to be FREE. All my life I have tried to hide. I've been over weight my whole life and have never felt comfortable to just be FREE to do whatever my heart desired. I always used my weight as an excuse and embarrassment as to why I wouldn't try things. I have such a care free personality that lives deep down inside of me and I want to set that part of me FREE. I want to live the life that God intended me to live and not continue to hide away. I am so tired of hiding …. I know I was meant for so much more than that. This “why” is something I desperately WANT to achieve with my whole heart. And each day while on this program I am getting one more step closer to reaching that long awaited goal.

Here’s where my title of this post “I Have A Choice” comes in … over a year ago I wrote a post the day that our adoption fell through. We were supposed to take a little baby girl home the very next day and her momma changed her mind. In the midst of the shock, the sadness, the anger and the questioning I realized that I had a choice to make. See back when we lost our first foster daughter I went into a deep depression. I was 100% bitter towards God and hated my life. Nothing mattered more to me than becoming a momma … and the little love that we had was stripped away from me. I made a choice that day where I chose to become bitter and hate God. I made a choice to lose the joy that I had once had in my life. I chose that day to lose all hope. I chose that day to GIVE UP. And I was stuck in a DEEP, dark hole for a really long time. It took almost two years to get to the point where I was learning to forgive, where I was learning how to trust, and where I was learning to let go again. On the day that I found out that once again we had a little love that wouldn’t become ours I decided that in the midst of everything that was going on I wanted to choose something different. I wanted to choose to cling to hope, I wanted to choose to still find the good, I wanted to choose to still have joy … even though I was sad, and confused, and BROKEN … it was all okay, because I was choosing to hold onto God through every second of it. I knew that my journey would still be difficult, and I would still have a hurting heart … but I also knew that I would be carried through each and every second by my loving Father.

The day that I choose to give everything over to Him, my heart began to heal. The week after I made that choice to trust blindly and brokenly in his plan I got an email about our soon to be Josiah. :0) After all the heartache and all the hoops that we have had to endure … I don’t ever want to forget the freedom of that one little choice that day. Since becoming Josiah’s momma I have never in my life felt such a love as deep as I have for him. I can’t imagine how much greater my Father loves me. When I saw April’s blog post I desperately wanted the same freedom that she was experiencing. I am 100% an emotional eater … and after all of the infertility issues, the foster kids that have come and gone, and all the potential adoptions that never came I had gained close to 100 pounds. I had allowed food to become my comfort. I had allowed food to fix my issues. I had allowed food to become my refuge. Ultimately I had allowed food to become my God. I had to come to a point where I was just desperate … desperate to be freed from this bondage. It sounds kind of funny … but if you have ever struggled with being over weight that’s what it is … a bondage. It’s like our drug. And it eats away at any confidence, love, or respect that you could have for yourself. It’s something that slowly kills you from the inside out. And I was d.o.n.e allowing myself to be held captive any longer. I had to make that choice … I had to decide that I was worth it. I was worth the money, I was worth the sacrifice and I was worth the discomfort … because in the long run, I would become the real Lindsay that God intended me to be. I would find a stronger more real relationship with Him. I would learn to really love myself for the first time.

I am so grateful for that one chance that God used of me reading April’s blog and becoming inspired. I can’t even describe how happy I am now. And how I’m finally not allowing food to be my comfort … but that I’m running to God in those times instead. Grace and Strength isn’t just a diet … it’s a ministry. It’s not something that just focuses on getting you skinny and then you’re on your own. It’s 100% committed to helping you become free of those bondages and helping you to fix those issues so that you never have to go back to that old life again. They provide a coach and a team of believers that encourage and pray for you every single day. When I first started this journey I wasn’t sure that I was going to share with anyone. I was afraid that I might fail and then look retarded. But I decided that I needed to be vulnerable and transparent with people because if I could be inspired by that one little blog post of April’s and have my whole life turn around … why would I ever want to deny someone else of that freedom? So if you are interested, or simply just want someone to pray with you through your own journey of finding freedom I would love to talk with you. You can email me at rmber2smile@yahoo.com

Thanks for surviving through this super long post … I just had to share my heart. :0)
Now onto the pictures!! After 2 ½ months of being on the Grace and Strength Diet I have lost 40.4 pounds and 18.5 inches and gone down three pant sizes and two shirt sizes!








So excited and blessed for this new found freedom!

One Year

So I've been M.I.A. for five months ... and SO MUCH has happened and I'm super bummed that I have been such a slacker. I love love love to journal and I hate that I found excuses not to sit my butt down (no matter how tired I was each night) and blog my little heart out! Although there is so much to catch up on, this blog post has to focus on only one thing tonight ...

One Year.


first meeting my little man one year ago ...


Josiah's first year pics

That's right friends, my little boy is one year old today! It really does seem like yesterday that we were all crazy with excitement about his upcoming arrival. I feel like I should still be in Pensacola right now snuggling that little boy in the hospital. How in the world did a year go by already??

My heart has never felt fuller in all of my life. We went through so much loss, so much heartache along the road of trying to become parents ... I honestly wondered if my heart would ever feel complete. But then that magic moment of the first time I saw that little face and kissed his little hand I fell head over heels in love with that sweet little boy. All you moms out there will totally understand this ... but there really are no words to describe the love that a mother has for her children. It's a love that is so deep, so strong, and so passionate. And I feel every bit of that and loads and loads more!

I love how he has developed a little personality now. I love how ornery he has become and what a little stinker he is some days. He makes me laugh so much! I love how his new favorite game is to chase LB (cat) and Buddy (dog) around the house with his little popper wheelie toy. He is still such a snuggle bug when he gets tired and loves his daddy to chase him and his momma to hold him tight. He has changed so so so much over this past year. I fall in love with him over and over again with each new stage. I miss my little new born baby ... but oh how I love watching him grow.

I am so thankful for the sacrificial love his bmom had for him. I am so blessed to have been chosen as Josiah's adoptive mom. I couldn't have asked for a better first year as Josiah's mommy. He has brought so much joy and love to my life.

We are waiting until next Saturday to have his bday party. It's going to be The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme. I can't wait!

A Better Tomorrow

I'm getting a huge dose on what it means to be self - less here lately.

It's really all apart of being a mom ....

Everything becomes about them and not so much about you anymore. And I have waited for this opportunity for so long.

Being Josiah's mommy has been so easy. The road to adoption was so long and so tiring ... but now that he is actually here in our lives it's been such a smooth and easy transition. And I am so thankful for him and the blessing that he has been to our lives.

Being a foster mom on the other hand, is the hardest job I have ever had.

The girls have been here for almost four weeks. The first couple of weeks were really difficult with our oldest (6) ... we had to deal with really really really bad tantrums. But we finally got to a point where it all stopped ... and we made it for almost 2 whole weeks before she had another episode. But then they started up again three days ago ... Sometimes I just feel like a failure. I feel like I can't love hard or deep enough. I don't know how to help her ... I don't know how to fix it ... I don't know how to convince her that she is safe and that we love her.

It's all very frustrating and overwhelming and I just feel burnt out. I get so frustrated with myself because I can't give 100% to every little thing or one in my life right now. Being a foster parent means that you give up your comfort zone ... it means loving even when it's hard. It means letting go of your normal routines and fully embracing all the visitations and counseling and meetings that go on with the kids that you take in. It means dealing with a broken system on a daily basis. It means being a VOICE when no one else around is speaking loud enough.

One of my friends asked me after I had just dealt with a four hour long tantrum if I regretted taking them in ...

I told her, well in the middle of a huge tantrum ... I can't lie and say that doesn't cross my mind once or twice. But you know ... they deserve to be loved just as much as Josiah is loved. They deserve to be wanted just as much as Josiah was wanted. They deserve to feel safe and cared for. And if I am the only one that can offer all that to them ... then let it be me. I'm not going to lie ... the selfishness of being human sill lies there. It's a battle every day to not want to throw in the towel and just walk away. But I know that I have to choose to fight FOR them and not AGAINST them. I know I have to do it because who else is?

Tonight was rough ... but I'm committing to making tomorrow better.

A tooth, Court, & Craziness

Josiah officially has his first tooth! I noticed it on his 6 month bday just yesterday! Crazy, crazy! He's getting so big already!

Josiah's court date is less than a week away. I'm super excited about making everything official. We are going to get to spend some time with Josiah's birth mom while we are over in Pensacola too. I'm really looking forward to that time. :0) Annnnd my parents have decided to meet us over there from Louisiana. I am so excited about being able to share this special time with them!

Craziness = we are getting 2 new foster daughters this Friday. They are three and six years old. Yeah, I know crazy. But I am super stoked about being able to provide a safe and loving home to some more kiddos that need it. Keep us in your prayers this weekend as we go through some major changes in the Cotton household.

Court Date!

We got our court date to finalize Josiah's adoption this week! It's been set to be held on August 23rd at 4:00 in Pensacola! We are getting soooo close to having Josiah finally be 100% Cotton :0)

Some of our awesome friends made some little onesie's for Josiah to wear. The first one is for him to wear now ... it say's "Almost a Cotton" and then they made another one that says "100% Cotton". :0) I LOVE THEM! I'm thinking that I might put the 100% Cotton one under a button down shirt for court and then once the judge declares him ours forever I'll bust his shirt off to take pictures. :0) Here's a picture of the "Almost a Cotton" one. He was sleepy and not in a mood to deal with mommy's picture taking time. So I didn't capture any with that big huge smile that he normally gives me ... but there's still time :0)

24 more days to wear this shirt!




We are still trying to figure out how to get the rest of the money in by our court date. We have an awesome bass guitar that someone donated to us to sell that is worth $2,400. If we could just find a buyer for it we would be set! We have $1884.24 still to raise. Please be praying with us that it comes in QUICKLY!

Twenty-Eight & a BBQ

5 month picture in my great grandma's rocking chair that my family gave to us when we were up in Ohio a few weeks ago. I LOVE IT!

Josiah is officially five months old now! Sooooo crazy that time has flown by this fast. I really feel like we should still be at the hospital waiting to take him home right now. These have by far been the best five months of my life. Each day is a new adventure as a mommy. I am amazed at how fast he is growing and changing each and every day. He's learning so much and is definately not my little baby boy anymore.


mommy's little cow boy :0)

Josiah is learning how to sit up already! He still needs lots of help ... but each day we practice a little more and gets better and better.



He loves to sit in his little excersaucer and play with his toys. He's teething like mad right now ... no teeth yet, but I know that they are coming! He really is so laid back and such a chill baby. He's so easy going and only cries if he's hungry. He notices himself in the mirror and cracks up at his reflection. He giggles all the time and it's about the cutest thing you have ever heard. He has brought so much joy to our lives ... I can't imagine my life without him.

We went to the beach with some friends last week. It's really his second time at the beach (first time he did great!) He hated the water this time. It was a little bit colder than last time ... little man is a diva when it comes to the temperature level of his water lol. It has to be super warm or he will scream his head off. So he enjoyed playing in the sand better ... still was able to capture some super sweet pictures of him though. :0)


such a sweet little face! (check out those eye lashes!)


laughing and having a good ol' time playing in the sand :0)

Last Saturday was my 28th birthday. We spent the day having a HUGE BBQ fundraiser for Josiah's adoption. A sweet sweet sweet family of a student that I taught two years ago offered to buy and cook all the of the bbq for us so that all the money that came in from the dinners went straight to us ... a 100% profit! We sold .... get ready for it .... 102 DINNERS @ $9 EACH! The dinners were either pulled pork or 1/2 a chicken with baked beans, cole slaw and bread. We were slammed the whole day! We actually RAN OUT OF FOOD TO SELL! Go God! Many people gave us extra money to go toward our adoption fund as well. The family's sweet little boys set up a lemonade stand to help raise more money too. They were so sweet. Love, love, love this little family! We are so blessed to have such amazing friends who have loved and supported us through Josiah's adoption! The grand total for the day was ..... $1,175.89! How stinkin amazing is that!?!?


The set up for the BBQ fundraiser


The cook himself ... Jason!


One of the little boy's Chase holding Josiah.


Josiah and Daddy took Mommy to Long Horn for her birthday dinner. This is the best birthday yet ... I finally got to experience a birthday as a MOMMY!

OHIO + LOTS OF PICTURES = :0)

We've been back home(Florida)for a few weeks now, and I'm missing Ohio like crazy. I had the best time sharing our little man with all my family for the first time. The time between visits back home is just way too long and I hate it.

We left after Alya got home from work on Thursday and drove through the night. We figured that this would probably be the best time to leave so that Josiah could sleep the whole time. We got on the road about 6pm and Josiah fell asleep right away and continued to sleep for 10 hours straight! He did so good! *side note* As a new mommy, I cannot believe how many places do not offer changing tables in their facilities ... seriously, it's 2011 get with the program people! *so annoying!* We got into Columbus around 7am .... to say we were tired would be an understatement! We stayed for the first half of the week at my aunt and uncles house (really 2nd cousins but you get the point) They were so great, and Josiah love, love, loved Debbie :0) Twenty of us met at our favorite pizza place (pizza in the south sucks ... gotta go up north for some good pizza!) It was so fun. Then Alya, Josiah and I left to go over to my old youth pastor(s) house for a fun game night.


Josiah and Howard


Josiah and Debbie


Josiah meeting his Pop (my dad) for the first time at the pizza place.
We had a big family get together that Sunday, which was such a fun event to finally introduce Josiah to everyone!


Josiah and my mom (his mamaw) and great aunt Lisa!


Josiah went putt putting for the first time :0)


Josiah at his first 4th of July fireworks show!


Josiah watching the fireworks for the first time. He did GREAT! Didn't cry at all ... just watched in amazement :0)

Josiah got to experience his first time swimming in a pool!



We had to say goodbye to daddy on Wednesday night because he had to go back to work. Mommy and Josiah moved to my other aunts house to spend the rest of the week. We spent a total of six days without daddy which was a lot of hard work for mommy, but so worth it! (even though we missed daddy :0) )

Josiah looks so pitiful in this picture lol he really just woke up but it looks like he's super sad that his daddy is leaving him.


Josiah meeting his 3rd cousin Rachel and her new baby (4th cousin) Sloane!


My sweet boy


Josiah thinking he's big enough to drink water out of a big boy cup now :0)


Josiah, Mommy and Aunt Wanda :0)


Josiah and his great papaw! :0)


Josiah and his great grandma


Josiah and his Aunt Shelly (my sis)


Josiah and his cousin Kayleen (my sis Shelly's daughter)


Josiah and his Aunt Tammy (my sis)


Josiah meeting his cousin Mitch (my sis tammy's son)


Josiah meeting his cousin Nick (my sis tammy's son)


Josiah and his Uncle Matt (my bro)


Josiah and his cousin Tyler (my bro Matt's son)


Josiah meeting his cousin Madison (my bro Matt's daughter)

Josiah and I left bright and early on Monday morning. I had this grand plan of leaving after he woke up for the first time to eat his bottle because he always goes back to sleep. Little did I know that Josiah would have a CRAZY sleep schedule for the two days prior to leaving as well as the night before. He was up like every hour which is so not like him! I ended up leaving at 5:30am with only having four hours of sleep. I was EXHAUSTED! Our plan was to stop in North Carolina to meet up with a bloggie friend of mine. We've known each other for about a year now and have become good internet friends :0) so we decided to make it official and meet each other in person! She just adopted her daughter from Jacksonville actually (which is crazy that it was so close to us) and is only two weeks older than Josiah. It was sooooo great! Felt like we've known each other forever .... and I can't wait for future family get-togethers! :0) The trip to NC was an eventful one .... only seven stops and 11 hours of driving (was supposed to only be 7hrs 45min) I tried a different plan leaving NC and slept in as late as little man would allow and just took my time getting things together. Josiah did MUCH better on the second part of the trip back home and it only took us 6 hours instead of 5. Not too bad in the long run.



*DISCLAIMER* It was early in the morning but we are still both beautiful new mommies :0)


Josiah and Moriah meeting for the very first time! :0)

The trip was amazing and I already can't wait until Christmas comes so that we can do it again. It's so fun experiencing all of these "firsts" with our little miracle boy. I love being a mommy so so so much. My heart is so full and I've never been happier in all my life. :0)