Court Again: Is this on Repeat?

How can I convey to him how deeply she is loved?

How do I prove to him that her home is with us?

How can I be vulnerable and honest, yet at the same time guarded and protected?

How do I know how much of my heart to share and how much should be kept sacred?

I'm such an open book. You can usually read my face before I even open my mouth. I lay it all out there, well ... because that's who I am. Take me or leave me, but you have all of me. It's a gift and explosive bomb all at the same time.

1. Here is all I am and all I have .... let's become friends and have a deep and meaningful friendship.

2. Here is all i am and all I have .... take advantage of me, stab me in the back, take my heart and break it into a million pieces.

Get the point?

I was sent a text yesterday from N's caseworker saying that dad had given some more names of family members that live in Pennsylvania.

My first response ... and literal text back: "Are you shitting me??"

I told you, you get all of me ... haha

I was angry (can you tell?) I felt defeated all over again for the millionth time it seemed on this journey of foster parenting. Imagine confetti flying in the air as an announcer loudly proclaims "Congratulations the system has screwed you over again! And you have won a brand new BROKEN HEART!"

Yeah ... I might be a little dramatic too ;)

But if you are a foster momma ... you get me, I know you do.

But then after I had a couple of minutes to process the information through anger a new feeling came over me ... and I really can't put a name to it. I don't know if it was understanding or sympathy or a longing to have a relationship with the birth parents of my daughter or what.

We have an open adoption with Josiah's birthmom. I love that we can share with each other the joys of watching him grow up. But what I love the most is that Josiah will always know who she is and have access to her if he ever has any questions. With N ... it's a little different. I want to have that for her too ... but N's parents are choosing a path in life that is destructive them themselves as well as her. So I can't promise them that it would be open or the level of openness. But I want to be real with them. I want to be vulnerable .... why?? I don't know? Maybe because God thought it would be really funny to give me a compassionate heart to make decisions that might not make sense to anyone else in the world. That he would give me a heart that I constantly am at battle with. A heart and mind that don't always communicate in the same way.

To be honest, the last two court hearings I have avoided her dad like the plague. He really is a nice guy ... or comes across that way anyway. But I felt sooooooo emotional about everything that was going on that I didn't feel like I could put on a fake smile and have small talk with him. But maybe God is asking more than that from me. I'm not saying that he and Alya and I are going to become best buddies ... but maybe he just needs to know that she won't be gone forever. Does that make sense? I don't know ... all I know is that I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about it. I just want it to be done ... I'm tired of holding my breath ... I'm tired of being fearful of her leaving us again. I know that those are all things that I shouldn't be feeling ... that the "Christian thing" to say would be God's got this, his will be done. Well no kidding ... but the HONEST thing and hey that's what I am remember, is that this sucks. Adoption and fostering is haaaarrrrrddddd. We have fostered 8 littles in the past 6 years. Losing those kids has been like 8 of my children that have died. Died. Died. Seriously ... they are gone ... we have put everything we had into loving those kids, and now they are gone from our home forever. But N came back to us ... and friends I just can't bear to let her go again.

So tomorrow is the pre-trial at 9. Please pray with me that there will be an opportunity to be real. To just be me. And that I will take advantage of that opportunity and not chicken out.