The Beginning of Something Bigger?

Oh friends, I wish that you could have been with me on this crazy amazing, God orchestrated day. I mean literally ALL of the things that I was praying would happen at court today HAPPENED! Thank you so much for praying on behalf of our family and baby N. Thank you for interceding and really praying for peace and comfort, for vulnerability and openness. Today was amazing ... and it had nothing at all to do with what happened in the court room. It had everything to do with two people who both loved a sweet little girl and honestly wanted the best for her. It had everything to do with stepping out of comfort zones, with being vulnerable and selfless ... and that my friends is how adoption can become a beautiful thing.

Baby N has been in care for a year now. This whole year has seen a million different ups and downs, 4 caseworkers, 2 supervisors, and 2 lawyers. There has been excitement and loss and surprises at every turn. It has been a long road ... and unfortunately we aren't done yet, but part of that is also what makes adoption beautiful.

Let me back up to this morning. You won't even believe it when I tell you this ... I still am kicking myself.

I leave my school around 8:10 this morning after getting all of my sub stuff together. I had this weird feeling like I needed to text N's caseworker to make sure that court was really at 9. Her response was that no, court was at 8:15am. Ummm it was 8:10 and I was still a 30 minute drive away plus parking and walking through a massive court house. My heart sank ... I had planned on giving her parents pictures of her one year photo shoot today, and I was really really really feeling like today was the day that her dad and I could have a heart to heart conversation. And I had ruined it by not being on time. I texted the caseworker back and told her to try see if the dad would wait for me to get there so that I could give him the pictures. I drove like a crazy momma while freaking out with an IG foster momma on the phone. "Kelli you won't even believe what I did!" ;0) *Thanks for helping me keep it together by the way* Only by the grace of God was the judge late! I was able to park, run through the courthouse and into the courtroom exactly ONE case before ours! Just in enough time to sit next to her dad and hand him his copies of the pictures. We were called up, the judge asked if the lawyers needed anything for the scheduled TPR hearing on the 31st. They said no, and boom we were done. I ran over to the mom's lawyer and asked if she could please give her, or let her see some pictures of N (she is in jail for an extended period of time) I wrote on the back of one of the pictures all the little things I would wish to know about my baby. And then I walked outside. Dad showed me some pictures on his phone of when he celebrated her birthday with her at a visit and I showed him the ones we took of her party. And then he left. It was awkward, and felt unfinished ... but I didn't know what else could have been done.

Caseworker and I talked for a few minutes, and then she was like Lindsay, he is coming back. I turned around and he was like hey can we talk for a few minutes? I said sure, so we took a walk and sat on a bench for like 15 minutes just being REAL with each other. Oh friends, I could sooooo feel your prayers during this conversation! He told me that he just wanted to be honest just he and I no legal people around to tell us what to do or think. He told me that there was a grandfather and great aunt that lived in Pennsylvania that was interested in taking N, but that he had been thinking about it for the last couple of days and he just felt that if he couldn't have her then the best thing for her was to be with us. He said that he was so tired of all the changing around, that he was just ready to be done. He wanted her to be safe and loved and she had all of that with us. He said that her mom felt the same way and that they were so thankful for all that we had given to her.

So, now that he had been real, now it was my turn.

I started off by saying that first we would a million percent love for her to stay with us forever. And that as a foster mom I am kind of put in a hard place sometimes. That really the only relationship that we have with each other is through court. I see him, he sees me, I hear a little bit about him, he hears a little bit about me and boom that's it. I said there has been no time to start a relationship with each other or build any type of trust with each other. I also said that I was in no place to judge him or her mom. That we all make mistakes and we can all make a choice to learn from those mistakes and change. I shared with him how we had an open adoption with Josiah's birthmom, and that things were a little bit different with his situation, but that I wanted that same thing for N if we were allowed to adopt her. I told him that I wanted her to always know that she was adopted, and that she had two mommy's and daddy's that loved her. I wanted to know as much as I could share with her. I told him that I wasn't sure what type of level that openness would be ... that as a momma I still had to protect my babies and that I need to make sure that the people that came in and out of her life were making good choices that were safe for her to be around. But that I was willing ....

It was a moment that I don't think that I will ever forget. A moment of honesty. A moment of sacrifice and discomfort. A moment of love and willingness to do whatever it was for the best interest of this little love. It was filled with pain and tears and heartbreak. But friends ... I really think it was the beginning of redemption.

He hugged me and thanked me and we went our seperate ways. I don't know what will happen next ... but I do know that those 15 minutes we shared is the potential picture of brokenness being restored. Please keep praying for our girl.