This whole weekend was such a high that I knew an emotional break had to be coming around the corner at some point in time. And it happened this evening in the nursery talking with Alya...
I didn't realize what an emotional attachment I had to our nursery. To the girly nursery ... See this room was our Hope's room. There are so many memories there ... so many emotions attached to each memory. After Hope left we changed things around a little bit and added some more details to the room for when we thought that Amiah was coming to join our family last December. There has been so much love that has gone into making that room special for our little girls ... and tonight I had a little break down about the idea of changing it all. Don't get me wrong ... I am SUPER excited about decorating for our new little boy ... it just seems like re-decorating is an end to what we used to have. It's an end to what my heart was still waiting for ... and covering that up seems like I'm giving up and moving on. And I know that I will be okay ... it just hurts my heart a little bit. I know that I will shed a few more tears as I start to pack away all my girls stuff ... but I know that the excitement will come once we crack open the new paint and start decorating for our future. A few of my friends have mentioned that this will probably bring closure to me ... I guess I just didn't realize how much I was still clinging on to. When ever we refer to the nursery we still always call it "Hope's room" ... although that little girl will always have a place in my heart I know that I need to move on and make it "Josiah's room".
Another part of my breakdown tonight was that I'm just scared. I have been on a high ever since we found out that all of this was happening again ... and I am super excited. Our meeting this weekend was really good ... and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better situation ... but nothing is final until the paperwork is signed. And that is the part that scares me. It's not that I don't trust God ... it's not that I don't have enough faith ... because I do. I believed with my whole heart that the last adoption was going to go through ... but what I discovered was just because I am trusting God doesn't mean that my heart isn't going to get broken. This particular situation seems to be moving along perfectly and I have no reason to think that it's not going to work out .... but the heartache of what we went through just a month ago keeps playing in my head.
I so wish that I could just be free. Free to be fully excited. Free to fully dream and prepare for a new arrival. Free to re-decorate while we have the extra time and energy. But ... I can't. We felt free with the last adoption ... and it was so so so hard to return and un-get-ready for a child to come. I hate not being free.
i pray that God gives you the freedom you desire. you will get there. i think it is only normal to think about the what ifs. in time you will let go. just realize that you are only human and sometimes it is hard to be completely free when in the back of your mind you have felt heartbreak in the deepest sense.
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