It's Too Late...

You know, I really didn't know how I would react when we got our next match. *technically that hasn't "happened" through our agency yet" I didn't know if I would have the attitude of "yeah right, I'll believe it when I see it", if I would feel afraid, or if I would be overly excited. I still don't really know how to take this situation yet. The whole thing is crazy of how things are working out so far. I want to let loose and be overly excited ... I want to shout it out that I'm going to be a mom ....

But in the world of adoption that isn't necessarily how things are going to play out. We've already striked out once. And I don't want my heart to suffer strike number two. I kind of feel like it's already too late though. My heart was involved at the first mention of this little boy. My heart butted itself right into the situation, complicating things as usual. :0) It's attached ... and nothing is for real yet.

He's all I think about already. For so long I've been dreaming about Amiah ... I didn't know how quickly my heart could wrap around loving Josiah instead. Room redecorating ideas are already swimming through my mind. I can't wait to see Alya love on his son ... the one that will carry on his last name. I can already picture Alya coaching his soccer team. ;0) I am so getting ahead of myself here ... but my heart can't stop itself as much as my mind is telling it that I'm an idiot for getting attached already.

Here's a recap of how all of this came about:
We spent Thanksgiving at my parents in Louisiana. I remember driving over there (from Jax. fl) how painful it was to drive right by Pensacola where we were supposed to be just a week earlier bringing home our little Amiah from. It was at my parents house where I received an email from an old college roommate. It was totally random, and most definitely unexpected. She told me that she had a friend that was pregnant and was interested in adoption and would I be interested. Now, I don't know about the rest of you adoptive moms out there, but I have friends all the time telling me that they know a friend, who knows a friend, who knows a friend that is pregnant and how I should totally adopt their baby. Have you heard that before?? Well I have heard it at least a half dozen times ... and it's fine, but I just never get my hopes up in those situations because they NEVER pan out to be anything. So when my old roommie sent me that email, I was like okay, sure we would be interested let me know the details (while not holding my breath that anything was going to happen). Well, I never heard back from her until this past Sunday where she emailed me again. She said that her friend was still very interested in us adopting her little boy and that she would be willing to do whatever adoption process we felt the most comfortable going with. I told her that I would go ahead and research how much it would cost to just use a lawyer since we had never looked into that and I would get back to her. I found out that just using a lawyer would cost $15,000 plus birth mother expenses .... a WHOLE LOT more than our agency. So I told my friend that we would feel most comfortable continuing to work with our agency (located in Pensacola ... where the b-mom lives! *crazy!*) and if she was serious about us adopting her baby that she could get in contact with them and we would be on board. How about the next day she did! She called our agency and set up an appointment with them for next Wednesday morning to sign paperwork. I don't really know how things work on the other side (b-mom side) of the adoption process ... so I don't really know what all she has to do, and I don't really know where we will go from there as of right now. The b-mom found me on facebook and we have sent each other a couple of messages so far. I feel excited that she is the one that is initiating all of this because if makes me feel like this is definitely something that she wants. I am also excited because from day one of Alya and I's adoption journey we had prayed that we would be able to have some type of relationship with the birthmother. We never met/had any contact with our last birthmother and I think that is the reason why things played out like they did. I think that to her, we were just pictures in a book, not real people who would be there to love her child. I'm praying that in this situation that this birthmother feels a connection with Alya and I that gives her peace to know that her sweet little baby boy will be loved unconditionally.

At this point I am feeling really excited and positive. I am also feeling guarded because I felt the same way during the last possible adoption and look at where that got us. However, I am not trying to hold on to all that happened last month ...I'm trying to remain positive about this new situation and just trying to give God all of my fears and trusting that He will guard my heart.