Sometimes it's hard. Okay, that's a lie. To be honest, a lot of times it's hard to just wait. It can be sooooo lonely at times. It's hard during that wait to see other friends getting pregnant and enjoying their growing little belly. It's hard to see friends lovin on their babies and cuddling them tight. It's sometimes even hard to read of other bloggie friends *finally* getting the call that they have waited what seems their whole lives for. To see good friends finally get to adopt the little girl we said "no" to. It's hard to listen to other momma's relieve the frustration of their children off their chest (even though I know they love their babies.) And altough I LOVE my friends so much, and am so happy for the blessings they get to love on, I will admit that I am a million percent jealous of every second of their "mommy-ness" ... the screaming, the crying, the over loaded dipers ... ALL OF IT. I guess it's just hard when you are in that moment of waiting ... the moment of uncertainty ... the moment of insanity at times when you feel like you would go to the ends of the earth ... do ANYTHING it took just to become a mommy. It's hard to just wait patiently in faith knowing that God's got it all in His hands.
I think that I might just be emotionally sensitive right now. I found out last week that our Hope went back into the foster care system ... and WE weren't told. We weren't called. We weren't asked. NOTHING. And I don't even know what kind of word could even capture to the slightest degree what I am feeling. I almost want to say I feel betrayed, but that seems kind of funny knowing the system we are working with. I don't feel mad ... just more hurt. Sad. Frustrated. I guess a little pissed lol. I don't know if this was done because they didn't want us to get hurt again since she was only going to be in care for a few weeks. Or if we weren't told because we gave the boys back. I don't know. I want to say I don't care ... but that would be so far from the truth it wouldn't even be funny. I do care. And I do hurt ... really bad. I cry more for Hope because I knew that this situation was going to happen again. I knew that she would be back. Friends kept telling me to let it go and move on ... but I KNEW in my heart she would be back. I just thought it would be with us. Now she is living with a non-relative caregiver who we know is someone the mom was working for AND living with. I don't understand it. I don't know if we will be contacted if she goes up for adoption or not. If so, we now have competition with another foster family who also fell in love with her. I guess I don't even know what to do. Just let it go, or fight like hell?
Sometimes I just wish that I could go back in time when I was a little girl and I could just curl up in my mom's lap and she would just make what ever was wrong, right again. I wish someone else could just fix it and make things feel better. I wish someone could put a band-aid on my heart and make the hurt go away. Oh, how I wish it could be that simple. Sometimes I just wish for something to happen where I didn't have to fight so damn hard. But I guess that's just not for us. So ... I wipe the tears threatening to overflow, pull my big girl pants up and continue to wait and cling tight knowing that God DOES have it all together even when I haven't the slightest clue what He's about to do.
Sometimes the waiting is hard .... but the end result will be that much more worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And I'm just praying with everything I have within me that it happens soon.
Our homestudy update is this Friday at 8am. Praying we can get whatever it is we need for it to be updated quickly so we can get our grant applications in the mail.
Hi Linds, I understand how hard it is, wanting so much to be the best parent you can be. It will happen.
ReplyDeleteYou are a lot further along in the adoption process than I am, don't get down, you have people praying for you. And God's timing is perfect timing. Be encouraged. You are right, the end result will be that much more worth it.
I know all too well how you are feeling. Waiting is so hard and seeing others pregnant and completing adoptions can be so hard. But (don't you love that word sometimes!?) always remember that God is going to do exceedingly, abundantly more than you or I could ever imagine!
ReplyDeletePraying for you today and for Friday! Our homestudy is at 9:30am...keep us updated!
Christie
Praying for you friend!
ReplyDeleteHi...I ventured over from Christie's blog & after reading a bit, wanted to say hello & offer a "hang in there" word of encouragement. I know all too well the gut-wrenching roller coaster of working with "the system", & I honestly don't know how we would have survived it without prayer. I hope that you are able to be at peace with whatever happens. I know it's so hard, & sometimes we don't even understand until much further along in our journey. I have many stories, but for now I'll just say that our full intention was NEVER to do foster care but to adopt an older child that was already available. We were matched, & then he decided he wanted to stay in the system b/c he didn't want to leave his friends/school. It seems silly that a teen can make decisions like that that affect the rest of their lives, but that's the way the system is set up. Then we had another match fall through b/c of some different circumstances that were just as heartbreaking. A few weeks later, we received a call for a preemie from a county an hour away (we were told by our agency that they never get babies), but it was foster care. We prayed, took a leap of faith, & said yes. After over 2 years of tough stuff, we were able to adopt her. Had the other two situations happened, we would not have our little girl.
ReplyDeleteOk, sorry, that was long, but I just wanted to tell you I understand so many of the emotions you are having! :o) Hang onto Romans 8:28
Blessings ~ Dardi