"That path to your greatest potential is often through your greatest fear."
-D. Bellar
My greatest fear in life was not being able to become a mommy. My little four year old self who pretended to nurse her babies knew in her heart all along that she was destined to become a mommy one day. That little girl only knew love and hope and innocence. She had no idea the pain and sorrow that she would experience throughout this long journey of motherhood. She didn't yet know the strength that it would take or the tears that would be shed. But she came into this world full of stubbornness, of determination, of deep love, and passion. Those four things would carry her.
Living out my greatest fear, my nightmare, my hell has taken me to a place of desperation. Desperate for the Lord to hear my cries. Desperate for the Lord to carry me through those dark valleys. Desperate for the Lord to share in my sorrow as I cried for our littles and the injustice of this world. Desperate for the Lord to give me a voice, to give me strength.
At one point at the beginning of my journey to become a mom, I was angry and bitter that God was punishing me from experiencing the greatest desire of my heart. But what I have discovered throughout these long six years was how God already saw me. I just pictured myself as a wife becoming a mom some day. Nothing exciting, just what every little girl dreams of becoming one day. God pictured me in a whole different way. He already knew the passion that lay deep in my soul. The fighter that would stand and become the voice of the orphan. A woman of great stubbornness, who never let down even in the hardest of times. He knew the great strength that I would need to endure the journey ahead. He knew the tenderness of my heart that would break for any child that begged to be loved. He called me to something bigger than I ever imagined for myself. So for that I am thankful that He had me live out my biggest fear. I had to walk through every bit of sorrow, every angry tear, every time I yelled at him that this wasn't fair. All of that ugly was part of my transformation into my greatest potential .... HIS design for my life.
"Sometimes God lets the good things fall apart so HE can let HIS things fall into place." -D. Bellar
Losing our littles back to their families is always heart breaking. It's like a death of your child, something no parent EVER EVER EVER wants to experience. It's a pain that will never ever go away. The days become easier to maneuver through as time goes on, but there is always a constant void in my heart that only their little soul can fill. I miss them. I love them so much. I'm thankful for even the short time that I was able to love them in our home. And I am always wondering how they are and desperately praying with all my heart and soul that they are safe and loved. It's hard understanding why God would take our littles away from our home and place them back in the same situation that they had originally come from. It's hard to understand why "God lets the good things fall apart". But something I've learned along this journey is that God always has something bigger planned than what my little eyes can see. I'm just looking at a little speck of this massive beautiful picture He is painting of my life. And each time He tells me something - that I think is beautiful - will fall apart, He also asks if I can trust Him with something even greater. I'm not going lie ... I kick and scream and cry and yell "THIS ISN'T FAIR!" And oh, how thankful I am for his patience with my stubborn heart. He doesn't tell me that I have to ever stop loving or ever stop fighting or even stop crying or hurting .... but He does ask me to trust. To have faith that He has something so big not only for my life, but for all of our littles lives too.
With the "within two-week" eviction notice that we have been given for our boys I want to kick and scream that this isn't fair. That them living with us was is a good thing. But once again, my Father is asking me to trust in HIS bigger plan. I hate the idea of these boys going back to live in the same exact situation that they had come from. It scares me to the core that their innocence is going to be permantly stollen. I hate not having a voice in this. I hate loving with all I have ... but in the end it's not enough to keep them with us forever. I know that God has been working on both Alya and I's hearts ... and I know that He is moving us into a whole new direction that is exciting and scary at the same time. It's a whole new ballgame of trust. So we are loving with all we have until the day comes where the boys leave us. Our home will always be open for them to come back if that glorious day comes. But until then we hold on tight to the ONE who knows all.
"Maybe God hasn't revealed his faithfulness because you haven't exercised your faith." -D. Bellar
I encourage you to check out the link below ... It is one of the most beaufitul adoption videos I have seen. "Adoption is .... family"
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