Worn

Being honest. Being transparent.

Here's the ugly behind the "I've got this smile" ... 

I keep having nightmares. Ones where I'm fighting and begging the judge to please consider what "family" really means. That a blood type, a last name, the courts .... none of those things can tell me that "N" isn't our daughter  No one can ever deny the love that we have for her. Nightmares where I'm asking him to consider that we have been the only family that she has ever known. That family that was "blood" gave her back after they only had her for 2 months.  Nightmares where my pleading and tears do no good. Nightmares where I have to say goodbye for a second time. 

I had to sit next to her birth dad  ... (he shouldn't even deserve to be called a dad - I know that's ugly ... but hey I'm being real here) at court. He told me that he was very thankful for all that we have done for her and how much we have loved her. He told me that when he gets her back that he would still let us be in her life ... like an aunt or uncle. I smiled and shook my head .................. but I wanted to spit in his face (again ... super ugly ... but being real again). I am her mother. And Alya is her father. A parent should fight for their child. And they have not. 

We are scheduled to go to court again on August 1 for pre-trail and then again on August 22 for trial. The parents are supposed to lose their rights at that time ... and I honestly have no fear at all of that not happening. But I found out last week that the mom has given more family member names to be considered as placement for "N". That news crushed me. Here I am turning in my adoption paper work that the agency had given us ... thinking that this was going to be a for sure thing. Nothing ever works out how it's supposed to with the system ... I don't know why I allow myself to hope that things would be different this time. So now we have to wait ... wait to see if their homestudies are approved ... wait to see if we have to say goodbye to our daughter for the second time or not. So we are begging for you to bathe our family in prayer during this time of waiting. 

It's not supposed to be like this. Why is fear plaguing something that is supposed to be beautiful?

Why can't just one time, one adoption be easy(ier)? 

My heart keeps playing this song by 10th Ave. North over and over and over to God.....

I'm tired I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let me hope fail 

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak 

Life just won't let up

And I know you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I'm worn 

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I'm worn 

I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn 

I keep crying out about how worn I am. About how my heart just can't take another blow, another gash ... I literally don't know how I could heal from having to give her away again. I don't know if I can keep fighting. It's been 5 years that we have been foster parents ... in those 5 years we have fostered 8 children, had one failed adoption, and adopted Josiah. It's been the most beautiful and trying years of my life. Everyday has seemed like a fight .... and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of not having a voice. As a foster parent you take in these babies and you love them and you try to fix them up as best you can. You give them a family, a home, safety, security, routine and most important love. And then one day a judge decides what should happen to them ... and you have to be okay with that. But this time ... I'm not okay with her leaving. And I will do everything I can to fight for her ... because I can't walk away knowing that as her mother I haven't done everything in my power to fight. 

I was scrolling through facebook the other day and I found a post of one of my sweet foster/adoptive mommas from her devotional and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read. 

"Do not worry about tomorrow! This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is only for one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry. Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy my presence continually by trusting Me at all times."

Ummm, yeah ... I needed to read that just a little bit.  So ... here's to not worrying about tomorrow, or the next day, or August 1st or 22nd. Here's to being present ... and loving with every inch of my soul four beautiful littles that HE has entrusted into my care for this moment. 

*My newest tattoo and our adoption paperwork for "N". It's an infinity symbol with the word adoption in it ... the birds symbolize Josiah and "N"*