Calling All Adoptive Mommas!!!

Have you heard the exciting news???

In February and March there will be a retreat for adoptive mommas in Atlanta, Georgia! 

 

Check out their website ... it seems like it will be an amazing time of fellowship! I have heard that there are like 400 women that attend this event and it is full within 24 hours of open registration! 

Another adoptive momma and I are already planning on going to the February one. If you are interested in going and need someone to room with let me know. We are still looking for two more mommas who are planning on going to room with us. Orrrrr if you live in Florida and want to car pool with ME, send me a message and we can work out the details! 

I am more than super stoked about this opportunity! I can't wait for the chance to meet in person all the adoptive mommas I've been blog stalking over the last few years. :0) 

So .... are you going???!!!??

Standing ... Okay Really Just Clinging On To Faith

I missed a call earlier when I was at the ear specialist with our littlest foster baby this morning. When I went back and listened to my voice mails I had one from the adoption specialist that works for "N's" agency. She wanted to set up a date to come out and do a home visit and complete an adoption homestudy for us. It's hard not to allow my heart to leap out of my chest ...okay, really nearly impossible. Having someone call YOU about completing all of this HAS to be a good sign right?? 

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise waiting? 

I really think God gets a good chuckle at watching me squirm. 

sigh ... 

Thinking back to court last week .. 

I was sitting next to "N's" birth dad and I noticed him holding his head in his hands praying. 

We were both begging God for the same little girl. 

"Please Father, bring her home." 

Worn

Being honest. Being transparent.

Here's the ugly behind the "I've got this smile" ... 

I keep having nightmares. Ones where I'm fighting and begging the judge to please consider what "family" really means. That a blood type, a last name, the courts .... none of those things can tell me that "N" isn't our daughter  No one can ever deny the love that we have for her. Nightmares where I'm asking him to consider that we have been the only family that she has ever known. That family that was "blood" gave her back after they only had her for 2 months.  Nightmares where my pleading and tears do no good. Nightmares where I have to say goodbye for a second time. 

I had to sit next to her birth dad  ... (he shouldn't even deserve to be called a dad - I know that's ugly ... but hey I'm being real here) at court. He told me that he was very thankful for all that we have done for her and how much we have loved her. He told me that when he gets her back that he would still let us be in her life ... like an aunt or uncle. I smiled and shook my head .................. but I wanted to spit in his face (again ... super ugly ... but being real again). I am her mother. And Alya is her father. A parent should fight for their child. And they have not. 

We are scheduled to go to court again on August 1 for pre-trail and then again on August 22 for trial. The parents are supposed to lose their rights at that time ... and I honestly have no fear at all of that not happening. But I found out last week that the mom has given more family member names to be considered as placement for "N". That news crushed me. Here I am turning in my adoption paper work that the agency had given us ... thinking that this was going to be a for sure thing. Nothing ever works out how it's supposed to with the system ... I don't know why I allow myself to hope that things would be different this time. So now we have to wait ... wait to see if their homestudies are approved ... wait to see if we have to say goodbye to our daughter for the second time or not. So we are begging for you to bathe our family in prayer during this time of waiting. 

It's not supposed to be like this. Why is fear plaguing something that is supposed to be beautiful?

Why can't just one time, one adoption be easy(ier)? 

My heart keeps playing this song by 10th Ave. North over and over and over to God.....

I'm tired I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let me hope fail 

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak 

Life just won't let up

And I know you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I'm worn 

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I'm worn 

I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn 

I keep crying out about how worn I am. About how my heart just can't take another blow, another gash ... I literally don't know how I could heal from having to give her away again. I don't know if I can keep fighting. It's been 5 years that we have been foster parents ... in those 5 years we have fostered 8 children, had one failed adoption, and adopted Josiah. It's been the most beautiful and trying years of my life. Everyday has seemed like a fight .... and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of not having a voice. As a foster parent you take in these babies and you love them and you try to fix them up as best you can. You give them a family, a home, safety, security, routine and most important love. And then one day a judge decides what should happen to them ... and you have to be okay with that. But this time ... I'm not okay with her leaving. And I will do everything I can to fight for her ... because I can't walk away knowing that as her mother I haven't done everything in my power to fight. 

I was scrolling through facebook the other day and I found a post of one of my sweet foster/adoptive mommas from her devotional and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read. 

"Do not worry about tomorrow! This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is only for one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry. Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy my presence continually by trusting Me at all times."

Ummm, yeah ... I needed to read that just a little bit.  So ... here's to not worrying about tomorrow, or the next day, or August 1st or 22nd. Here's to being present ... and loving with every inch of my soul four beautiful littles that HE has entrusted into my care for this moment. 

*My newest tattoo and our adoption paperwork for "N". It's an infinity symbol with the word adoption in it ... the birds symbolize Josiah and "N"*

Here We Go Again ....

Around 5pm on May 20th I heard my phone ring. 

"Old Caseworker Name" popped up on my phone screen. 

I sit for a second trying to wrack my brain around which caseworker this is, and why they are calling me when it dawns on me ... hey! That's Baby N's caseworker! 

So I answer with a cautious ... "hello???" (thinking why in the world is this lady calling me?)

"Lindsay! I'm calling you to tell you some really exciting news! The case plan for N is getting ready to be changed from "reunification" to "adoption". The aunt who took her doesn't want to adopt her and wants to return her back to care."

ummmm excuse me?

"It's still going to be a long road through TPR ... but she's coming back and I had to call you to let you know! I totally have goosebumps right now, I can't even believe that this is happening!"

"Are you kidding me right now??"

"The aunt is willing to drive her back from NC herself this weekend."

"Ummm okay ... of course we want her, OMG this is crazy right now! ... we have two other kids under 2 ... but umm of course we can make this work! I can't say no!"

.... 

So that was my afternoon ... you experience anything like being told that what you thought was your once long gone little love now suddenly returning back to you with now the hopes of adoption added to her??!!

Oh geez ... seriously! 

The caseworker is supposed to talk with her tomorrow (now today ... I can't sleep) and get all the details, but from what she had said she would be returning her back this weekend. So hi, I need a THIRD crib ... and oh geez 

You know what ... there was a time when I beeeeegggggggeeeeedddd and cried to God for a baby. I thought that I was being punished. I was HEARTBROKEN. I knew beyond anything in my heart that I was supposed to be a mommy ... and I thought that dream would never come true. Now it's raining babies at the Cotton's lol. We will have four kids 2 and under .... welcome to the circus. :0) Is it crazy and chaotic? Yup, pretty much every second that they are all awake at the same time lol ... but we can't say no to her, we just can't say no. And we will love hard, and go crazy and laugh all at the same time ... but all these babies will know that they are safe and loved. 

Please, please keep praying with us. We still have a very very long road ahead of us. The caseworker is moving away at the end of this week ... she is putting everything in place for us, but it still makes me nervous. The court date to change the goal is June 11th and it will be months and months for TPR (termination of parental rights) to go through and then adoption. And I'm so scared to be this excited because the system has crushed us time and time again ... but I just can't help it. Our baby girl is coming home! 

Broken

I just feel so broken tonight.

Broken for our kiddos … the ones that have come and gone the ones that are sleeping in the other room right now, and the ones God will bring in the future.

Fostering is to love without abandon.

Fostering is to understand, when no one else will.

Fostering is to fight when everyone else has quit.

When we were told that we couldn’t have our own babies I remember begging God with everything inside my soul to allow me to become a momma. And he made it happen … just in ways that I never imagined. He gave me a heart that baffles me sometimes. A heart that loves so deep and so fierce I’m afraid I’ll burst; a heart that breaks when one of my babies leaves our home; a heart that somehow is sewn back together and grows a little more when the next love comes our way. A heart that always says yes and never wants to say no. A heart that believes in love and restoration. A heart that believes in hope. I remember begging God so hard to allow me to become a momma that it is unfathomable to me to witness and attempt to piece back together the lives of the broken babies that come to live with us.

It angers me that even after five weeks our one year old still doesn’t trust that he will be fed.

It angers me that so many of our kids have been addicted to drugs before they even breathed their first breath.

It angers me that they have been neglected.

It angers me that unimaginable things have happened to these sweet little lives.

It angers me that their innocence has been stolen.

It angers me that I can’t take the hurt and the pain away.

It angers me that I just can’t seem to love enough.

It angers me that most of the time these kiddos go back to broken families that were never fixed in the first place.

It angers me that I have to wipe a students face and arms down because they haven't been bathed in two weeks.

It angers me that I have to have clothes and food stashed away because they have worn the same dirty outfit for the last three days, and that the only meals they might have are the ones they eat at school.

It angers me that these things are happening right in front of our noses. It angers me that there aren't more that are choosing to fight and stand and speak for those that have no voice.

When I begged God to allow me to be a momma ... I had NO idea the magnitude of call He would place on my life. He listened, but He gave me way more than I could have ever dreamed. When He called me to be a momma it meant that I would become a momma to far more than would ever even live in my house. And I am so thankful that He not just heard my cry, but the cry of so many littles that just wanted to be loved.

I pray so hard sometimes that God would MOVE, that he would HEAL, that he would RESTORE.

I never pray for him to take this heart away … I never pray for it to stop breaking when they leave. I never stop fighting. These babies need, they deserve someone to fight for them. They deserve someone to love them so much it hurts. And when the pain becomes too much to bear and there are no words to cry out anymore … I allow the silent tears to fall and speak for me. I know He hears my heart, I know that He shares this same pain … and I know that He is asking us to do something about it.

So on those days when frustration rises … when there are more hard days than good … when there is nothing but crying and biting and fear and mistrust …  I have to stop and remember how to love deeply in that frustration. I need to stop and remember to love in that pain. Because they don’t understand what unconditional love is. Because they don’t know how to trust. Because they don’t know what it means to not be abandoned. Because they don’t know what a full belly feels like. Because HE has called us to love “the least of these” … and I do, and always always always will.

The Green Mile

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! My alarm blares for me to get my butt out of bed. It's the dreaded morning ... I hit the snooze button, close my eyes and pray pray pray that this is just a nightmare and I don't really have to face reality that today is the day that we are losing our sweet little love.

Seven minutes pass by .... BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Crap ...

I drag myself out of bed, get dressed, do my hair (though I think what's the point it's pouring outside - fitting huh -) , and put on my makeup (waste of time, I've already cried half of it off before I can even finish). I run through the morning routine in a fog, silent tears running down my cheeks as I hurry to get things together for us to leave for court. I lift baby girl out of her bassinet in our room and carry her to the changing table in Josiah's room. She smiles and stretches and starts talking to me. I smile and sob, and laugh and sob ... and sob .... and sob. Oh sweet baby I'm going to miss this time with you. We get everything packed up, babysitter for Josiah arrives and we leave the house to pick up my mom. (p.s. I'm so thankful for her being there that morning ... there is nothing like knowing you have your own mom - your rock - standing with you through one of the most difficult moments of your life)

I sat in the backseat of the van so that I could feed her and spend the last few minutes just her and I. We arrived at the ridiculously huge courthouse -lost of course, because we've never been to court before -. The caseworker finds us roaming the hallways and takes us down another hallway to where the dad and the aunt are waiting. I felt like I was walking the "green mile" ...

We were introduced to the aunt and her friend. The caseworker asked if I would allow dad to hold baby girl. I said sure, handed her over and LOST IT completely. I had to turn and face the wall in order to try and control the silent sobs that were shaking my body. After a little while the caseworker asked if we could spend a little more time with her before the court case started. We took her and played and talked with her, finding those tickle spots and making her giggle. I fed her one last bottle and she fell asleep in my arms. Waiting for a court case to happen is like waiting at a doctor's office ... we waited for over an hour to be called into the room. We all walked in and started to sit down and Alya and I were immediately told to stand up front in between the parents and the DCF lawyers. Her mom and I locked eyes at once ... this is the first time she has seen her since she was born ... mom had tears in her eyes ...... I know it's weird but I felt this connection with her. I wanted to tell her that she had the most beautiful daughter. That she had the sweetest spirit. And that we were so in love with her. But I couldn't .... so I just said those things through my eyes and willing my heart to speak to hers.

The judge asked who we were and then called the aunt up. She asked how long she had known baby girl, her reply - I just met her in the hallway. All parties had agreed that a change in placement with a family member was in the best interest of the child. The judge then called the lawyers to talk with her privately and she kept looking over at Alya and I (while I silently sobbed rocking baby girl in my arms), then talked to the lawyers, then would look at us ... back and forth back and forth. And I was like oh my how amazing would it be for her to say, "Mr. and Mrs.Cotton I think she needs to continue to stay with you". She excused the lawyers and then turned to Alya and I. She said I'm going to agree to the placement with the aunt, but I want to thank you for all that you have done for baby girl. It is obvious that you have loved her very much. Everyone that has spoken to me has said that you have gone above and beyond caring for her. I'm sorry that as foster parents things don't always work out the way that you hope and I know that this is killing you. But I thank you for all that you have done. Boom ... case dismissed.

We left the courtroom and spent a last few minutes holding and loving on our sweet little love. I had made a little scrapbook for baby girl to have of pictures of her with us and Josiah and all of her little "holiday firsts". I gave it to the aunt who said that it was beautiful and that she would keep it forever for her. She asked us for our information so that she could send us pictures. She gave us her information as well. For that I am thankful. We walked to the front doors of the court house and handed her over to the aunt. We had to meet them in the parking lot to give them all of her things. And that was it ... the aunt left with the sweetest gift that she could have ever received, and we left empty handed and broken hearted.

We returned home to our little man who promptly brought over one of her pink toys and said "baby?, baby?". Deep breath ... yup buddy that's the babies. She had to go bye bye. *tear

Yesterday morning was so hard. I woke up, dragged myself out of bed and was immediately faced with her empty bassinet. Found some dirty bottles we hadn't yet washed. Crap, there's her passie we forgot to pack. And my heart breaks a little more and the tears start to fall. Then on the baby monitor I hear the most beautiful words my heart has ever heard - "Momma" "Momma" "Momma" Josiah was calling me from his crib to get out of bed. My heart was still hurting, and I was still missing her ... but I was ever so thankful for our little man who would always call me momma. He has my heart.

I was reading a devotional yesterday and it was one of those - did you write this one for me??? Because it was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly that time.

It was talking about being in a pit and what you choose to do while you are stuck in that pit. Sometimes we find ourselves dealing with situations that we didn't expect, don't ever want to face and well just plain suck. I'll be honest my first reaction has usually been something like this: "God, why are you allowing this to happen?" "God, this isn't fair." "God this is far too much for my heart to bear!" And the all to famous .... "Why?" The devotional had me read about Daniel and how he had just learned that anyone who prayed to any god besides King Darius would be thrown into a lions den. Want to know what he went and did?? He threw open his windows and prayed anyway. He didn't pray God this isn't fair!" He didn't pray "God save me". He didn't pray "God make me into a bird and let me fly far far away from here." He prayed "Thank you God" "Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before" Daniel 6:10 The devotional went on to talk about how our initial responses to situations are the by-product of the rituals we've established in our lives. Daniel built up a habit of being thankful. "Who God is and what god provides was front and center in Daniel's heart -even in the midst of the heartbreak."

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Even in the midst of our heartbreak there is still a place to be thankful.

Is my heart breaking? 1 million percent YES. I miss that sweet little love more than anything. It is still okay for me to grieve our loss ... it's still okay for me to be sad and miss her. But it's not okay for me to stay in that pit and overlook all the amazing things God was doing and will continue to do through her little life. And I'm thankful that I'm not in the same deep dark pit I was in when we lost Hope. But it is easy to focus on the sadness sometimes and forget about the good. So I'm going to end this post with all that I have and will continue to be thankful for from this situation.

* I'm thankful for cuddles.

* I'm thankful for the chance to love her with a momma's heart when her own momma couldn't.

* I'm thankful for the special bond Josiah and baby girl had with each other. It was a beautiful thing ...

* I'm thankful that God has called us to this hard journey.

* I'm thankful for the chance to watch Alya interact with her. He really is an amazing daddy. He loves his babies so much.

* I'm thankful for when Alya leans in to kiss me good morning and whispers "I miss her too".

* I'm thankful that Josiah provides us with laughter and smiles even when things are still hard.

* I'm thankful that God has given me a heart to both love and grieve fiercely.

* I'm thankful for those friends who pray with us and love us through the hard times. I'm thankful when they give us room to grieve and agree that things suck sometimes. I'm thankful that they don't try to "fix it" ... but they are just there to love us.

* I'm thankful that I'm not a quitter ... and that I've been called to be a momma to many.

Little Love

 

It’s been awhile … okay a year … but I desperately need a place to allow my emotions flow. So excuse me as I dump raw emotions all over my blog page without the least bit of insight on what the rest of the year has been like. I’ve missed this space, this time to process all the good and the bad that our family has experienced day to day. Today is … sad. It’s raw. It’s aching … but eventually it will be okay again. We took in a new little love into our home the day before Thanksgiving. She has brought so much joy into our lives. We knew that this situation was most likely temporary, but oh we prayed that for once an adoption could come easy to us … not so much *hey a girl can dream can’t she?*. She leaves us on Monday (after 105 days with us) and I just need to let some emotions escape before I explode.

 

People tell me all the time that they would never be able to foster. That they could never be that strong; that they would never be able to give the kids back again. They ask me why I keep doing it time and time again. Well … I ask myself that very same question all the time. Lindsay, why do you keep putting your heart out there, loving so deeply and madly only to get crushed over and over again? The answer: because I am madly in love with kids. Because I’ve known my whole entire life that I have always been meant to be a mom … it’s just it took awhile to understand that it didn’t matter who I was a mom to, or for how long. My heart beats motherhood. I’m not some super mom who has some type of crazy strength … actually at this moment I feel like I’m the complete opposite. I’m broken … I take one look at that sweet little baby and I can’t help but tear up at how much I’m going to miss her little coo’s and that sweet sweet smile. I’m sick at the idea of her leaving … and my heart, for the second time out of the six littles we have fostered feels uneasy about letting her go. Legally, she’s not mine … I have no say … oh but you can’t keep this momma’s heart from knowing and feeling what is really  the "right” thing, or what is really in the “best interest of the child”, or rather 'not in the best interest'. I’m not saying all of this just because I want to keep her .. because I do, but with our other four littles I knew in my heart that they were going to the right place. Our first little love I knew deep down that she would find herself back in the system again … and that came true. I know God has this under control, I know he doesn’t need my help … and I know that I will never ever understand. So this time around I’m not trying to ‘control’, I’m just asking for peace. Does my heart still ache?? Yes … sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. She was so perfect; it was so easy to add her into our family of three. Josiah was crazy in love with her. He was such an awesome big brother … it just all felt perfect, it felt complete. But this dream, like so many of the other ones, must come to an end. And we will move on ... but for right now there will be a time of sadness and a time where will will mourn the loss of another sweet little love. 

 

 So, why keep doing this over and over again only to keep getting my heart broken each time? Because I have to … each time there is a hope, each time there is a little love who needs all that I can give, each time is an opportunity of another “Josiah”. I would say Alya and I’s journey to become parents has been anything but rainbows and unicorns. It’s been hard. It’s been messy. It’s been full of sorrow. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. But in the end I have grown, I’ve discovered a strength I never knew I had, I’ve loved harder and experienced life in ways no one else ever has. I know beyond a doubt that there are more little loves that will come into our lives … how can I say no to bringing them into our family – even for a short time – when all I have to give is love?

 

It’s not the same as when we lost our Hope … I was in such a different place then than where I am at now. Back then I felt despair. I felt lost, angry and my heart was full of bitterness. I felt betrayed by God and just completely and utterly lost with how I was supposed to think, feel and act. I felt like my heart had been ripped outside of my chest and that there was a hole left that nothing would ever be able to fill or repair. I’ll be honest; there is still a hole there. I don’t think that it will ever be completely mended … I don’t think that when you have loved someone - a child -  so deeply that there will ever be something that will be able to fill it's place. They are my children whether blood or the state say otherwise. I will forever carry them in my heart. We've known for a week now that she would be leaving. And I can't help but feel like I'm preparing for a death. It sounds awful ... but it is kind of like that. So each day we have been loving to the fullest and getting all the snuggles that we can. It's been a really awesome family week ... just the four of us. I'll always cherrish these last few days with her.

 

Tomorrow is our last day as a family of four. We were given the choice to have her and her things picked up from daycare on Monday by a trasporter, or for us to bring her to court. This is so different for us ... last time someone came to our house and took our little love from our arms. This time I'm the one giving her away. Oh, how that breaks my heart ... and how I would just love to run away with her instead. But as a momma, I want to meet the woman that she will be living with. I want to share all the amazing things about this special little girl that has stolen my heart. When you become a mom you choose to do the hard things because you love so much. I'm praying for peace ... I'm praying for a connection ... I'm praying for something bigger than I could ever dream of to happen.