That Path

"That path to your greatest potential is often through your greatest fear."

 -D. Bellar

 

My greatest fear in life was not being able to become a mommy. My little four year old self who pretended to nurse her babies knew in her heart all along that she was destined to become a mommy one day. That little girl only knew love and hope and innocence. She had no idea the pain and sorrow that she would experience throughout this long journey of motherhood. She didn't yet know the strength that it would take or the tears that would be shed. But she came into this world full of stubbornness, of determination, of deep love, and passion. Those four things would carry her.

 

Living out my greatest fear, my nightmare, my hell has taken me to a place of desperation. Desperate for the Lord to hear my cries. Desperate for the Lord to carry me through those dark valleys. Desperate for the Lord to share in my sorrow as I cried for our littles and the injustice of this world. Desperate for the Lord to give me a voice, to give me strength.

 

At one point at the beginning of my journey to become a mom, I was angry and bitter that God was punishing me from experiencing the greatest desire of my heart. But what I have discovered throughout these long six years was how God already saw me. I just pictured myself as a wife becoming a mom some day.  Nothing exciting, just what every little girl dreams of becoming one day. God pictured me in a whole different way. He already knew the passion that lay deep in my soul. The fighter that would stand and become the voice of the orphan. A woman of great stubbornness, who never let down even in the hardest of times. He knew the great strength that I would need to endure the journey ahead. He knew the tenderness of my heart that would break for any child that begged to be loved. He called me to something bigger than I ever imagined for myself. So for that I am thankful that He had me live out my biggest fear. I had to walk through every bit of sorrow, every angry tear, every time I yelled at him that this wasn't fair. All of that ugly was part of my transformation into my greatest potential .... HIS design for my life.

 

 

"Sometimes God lets the good things fall apart so HE can let HIS things fall into place." -D. Bellar

 

Losing our littles back to their families is always heart breaking. It's like a death of your child, something no parent EVER EVER EVER wants to experience. It's a pain that will never ever go away. The days become easier to maneuver through as time goes on, but there is always a constant void in my heart that only their little soul can fill. I miss them. I love them so much. I'm thankful for even the short time that I was able to love them in our home.  And I am always wondering how they are and desperately praying with all my heart and soul that they are safe and loved. It's hard understanding why God would take our  littles away from our home and place them back in the same situation that they had originally come from. It's hard to understand why "God lets the good things fall apart".  But something I've learned along this journey is that God always has something bigger planned than what my little eyes can see. I'm just looking at a little speck of this massive beautiful picture He is painting of my life. And each time He tells me something - that I think is beautiful - will fall apart, He also asks if I can trust Him with something even greater. I'm not going lie ... I kick and scream and cry and yell "THIS ISN'T FAIR!" And oh, how thankful  I am for his patience with my stubborn heart. He doesn't tell me that I have to ever stop loving or ever stop fighting or even stop crying or hurting .... but He does ask me to trust. To have faith that He has something so big not only for my life, but for all of our littles lives too.

 

With the "within two-week" eviction notice that we have been given for our boys I want to kick and scream that this isn't fair. That them living with us was is a good thing. But once again, my Father is asking me to trust in HIS bigger plan. I hate the idea of these boys going back to live in the same exact situation that they had come from. It scares me to the core that their innocence is going to be permantly stollen. I hate not having a voice in this. I hate loving with all I have ... but in the end it's not enough to keep them with us forever. I know that God has been working on both Alya and I's hearts ... and I know that He is moving us into a whole new direction that is exciting and scary at the same time. It's a whole new ballgame of trust. So we are loving with all we have until the day comes where the boys leave us. Our home will always be open for them to come back if that glorious day comes. But until then we hold on tight to the ONE who knows all.



 

"Maybe God hasn't revealed his faithfulness because you haven't exercised your faith." -D. Bellar

 
I encourage you to check out the link below ... It is one of the most beaufitul adoption videos I have seen. "Adoption is .... family"

"The pure joy that will come from a rescue and a ransom of a child's life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine."

 

 

And We Have Contact!

FINALLY got a hold of the adoption specialist for "N" I have only been trying to return her phone call for over two weeks now. Her message on her answering machine says that she would return my phone call within 24 hrs ... yeah that was just not happening ... I was about to call her supervisor if she didn't answer today .... guess she sensed that :0)

 

Her fist question to me was ... "So do you want to adopt "N" *toally saying her name wrong* .... HELLO! YES! ABSOLUTELY! 150% YES!! So next week on Tuesday she will be coming out to the house to go over a ton of paperwork. Alya will sign the paperwork that evening and then I'll return it back to the agency the next day. (totally my decision) We have to get our fingerprints done *again* and then we will be ready to go. She has to do two visits, but can't come back out until after TPR (termination of parental rights) has actually occrued. So she will come back out sometime after the trial on August 22nd. After TPR happens we have to wait at least 30 days until we can actually adopt her. So anytime after September 22 she can officially become 100% Cotton.

 

Keep praying friends!

Three Littles

Our 3 Littlest Littles

 

 

"N's" caseworker (we are on #3 now) came by this past Wednesday. It was just a routine visit .... you know because this is the first time she has seen her since being assigned her case. I had tons of questions for her though ... like what in the world is going on with the people that the momma wrote down for "N" to go to??????

 

Apparently one is a cousin ... and guess what?? She just moved this past weekend! (AWESOME NEWS) So she still has to get all settled into her new place before they can do a homestudy. Which is all great, because the move has delayed everything. (TWO Thumbs Up in my book!)

 

We go to court on August 1 (next Thurs ... the first day of school!) This is a "pre-trial" which is where they will discuss what the attoneys will need during the trial; witnesses, amt. of time, etc. (I heard the actual trial could go from 1-3 hrs!) I feel like it is extremely important for at least my face to be present at ALL court dates so that the judge and anyone else involved knows that I am involved, and WE WANT HER! The acutal trial is August 22nd ... really and truly have no fear of them NOT losing their rights. We just need to hurry along the month of August to make sure that no one else comes out of the wood work to take her away from us.

 

Her Guardian Ad Litem (the person appointed by the court to be in a sense the child's voice ... she shares with the judge what she thinks is in the best interest for the child) is supposed to come to do a home visit this Saturday. I really really like her a lot .... so better believe we will make sure it is known that we want "N" and are willing to do whatever we can to fight for her.

 

I feel like everything this week was okay ... no new news that shocked me like the last court date. We are still very much waiting ... so keep praying hard friends!

 

Oh, hi I'm not done ... we've got two more littles to discuss ...

 

"M" -1yr "R" - 7mo are brothers. They came to us on April Fool's Day no less .... Their whole situation is a HOT freakin mess as well. The parents are not getting them back at the moment (still working on a caseplan) but there have been three different relatives that they were trying to get them moved to. Their caseworker did a last minute call that said he needed to be at my house today for a visit (it was 4:35pm when I talked with him) because it had been 30 days since he had seen them last and he wasn't supposed to go over 23 days. Ummm ... okay, not my fault. So I busted my butt to get to daycare (30 min away) and then drive alllllll the way back to where I had started (another 30 min) to get all the kids home and some what settled before he showed up at our door. He told me that the one grandma's homestudy was looking pretty good ... that he was 90% sure that it would be approved and that the boys would probably be leaving within the next two weeks or so. That she had to do some parenting classes because she had prior records but that everything seemed to look okay. (sounds perfect to you too right???) And that she would be highly monitored at least three times a week to make sure that the boys were being taken care of properly. (still sounds super right??) Not to mention this was the same place that the boys were removed from before they came to us .... sigh ...

 

It isn't surprising me that they are leaving.

 

Honestly I am feeling kind of numb at the moment.

 

Please cover these sweet INNOCENT boys in prayer. Pray for PROTECTION.

 

There is going to be a lot of change happeing in the next few weeks ... new normals to begin to adjust to. Pray for peace and comfort .... and understanding. It's hard ... fostering is hard, and it's ugly sometimes. But we do everything we can to love our littles while they are here with us. We fight and love until the end.

 





Calling All Adoptive Mommas!!!

Have you heard the exciting news???

In February and March there will be a retreat for adoptive mommas in Atlanta, Georgia! 

 

Check out their website ... it seems like it will be an amazing time of fellowship! I have heard that there are like 400 women that attend this event and it is full within 24 hours of open registration! 

Another adoptive momma and I are already planning on going to the February one. If you are interested in going and need someone to room with let me know. We are still looking for two more mommas who are planning on going to room with us. Orrrrr if you live in Florida and want to car pool with ME, send me a message and we can work out the details! 

I am more than super stoked about this opportunity! I can't wait for the chance to meet in person all the adoptive mommas I've been blog stalking over the last few years. :0) 

So .... are you going???!!!??

Standing ... Okay Really Just Clinging On To Faith

I missed a call earlier when I was at the ear specialist with our littlest foster baby this morning. When I went back and listened to my voice mails I had one from the adoption specialist that works for "N's" agency. She wanted to set up a date to come out and do a home visit and complete an adoption homestudy for us. It's hard not to allow my heart to leap out of my chest ...okay, really nearly impossible. Having someone call YOU about completing all of this HAS to be a good sign right?? 

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise waiting? 

I really think God gets a good chuckle at watching me squirm. 

sigh ... 

Thinking back to court last week .. 

I was sitting next to "N's" birth dad and I noticed him holding his head in his hands praying. 

We were both begging God for the same little girl. 

"Please Father, bring her home." 

Worn

Being honest. Being transparent.

Here's the ugly behind the "I've got this smile" ... 

I keep having nightmares. Ones where I'm fighting and begging the judge to please consider what "family" really means. That a blood type, a last name, the courts .... none of those things can tell me that "N" isn't our daughter  No one can ever deny the love that we have for her. Nightmares where I'm asking him to consider that we have been the only family that she has ever known. That family that was "blood" gave her back after they only had her for 2 months.  Nightmares where my pleading and tears do no good. Nightmares where I have to say goodbye for a second time. 

I had to sit next to her birth dad  ... (he shouldn't even deserve to be called a dad - I know that's ugly ... but hey I'm being real here) at court. He told me that he was very thankful for all that we have done for her and how much we have loved her. He told me that when he gets her back that he would still let us be in her life ... like an aunt or uncle. I smiled and shook my head .................. but I wanted to spit in his face (again ... super ugly ... but being real again). I am her mother. And Alya is her father. A parent should fight for their child. And they have not. 

We are scheduled to go to court again on August 1 for pre-trail and then again on August 22 for trial. The parents are supposed to lose their rights at that time ... and I honestly have no fear at all of that not happening. But I found out last week that the mom has given more family member names to be considered as placement for "N". That news crushed me. Here I am turning in my adoption paper work that the agency had given us ... thinking that this was going to be a for sure thing. Nothing ever works out how it's supposed to with the system ... I don't know why I allow myself to hope that things would be different this time. So now we have to wait ... wait to see if their homestudies are approved ... wait to see if we have to say goodbye to our daughter for the second time or not. So we are begging for you to bathe our family in prayer during this time of waiting. 

It's not supposed to be like this. Why is fear plaguing something that is supposed to be beautiful?

Why can't just one time, one adoption be easy(ier)? 

My heart keeps playing this song by 10th Ave. North over and over and over to God.....

I'm tired I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let me hope fail 

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak 

Life just won't let up

And I know you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I'm worn 

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I'm worn 

I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn 

I keep crying out about how worn I am. About how my heart just can't take another blow, another gash ... I literally don't know how I could heal from having to give her away again. I don't know if I can keep fighting. It's been 5 years that we have been foster parents ... in those 5 years we have fostered 8 children, had one failed adoption, and adopted Josiah. It's been the most beautiful and trying years of my life. Everyday has seemed like a fight .... and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of not having a voice. As a foster parent you take in these babies and you love them and you try to fix them up as best you can. You give them a family, a home, safety, security, routine and most important love. And then one day a judge decides what should happen to them ... and you have to be okay with that. But this time ... I'm not okay with her leaving. And I will do everything I can to fight for her ... because I can't walk away knowing that as her mother I haven't done everything in my power to fight. 

I was scrolling through facebook the other day and I found a post of one of my sweet foster/adoptive mommas from her devotional and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read. 

"Do not worry about tomorrow! This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is only for one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry. Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy my presence continually by trusting Me at all times."

Ummm, yeah ... I needed to read that just a little bit.  So ... here's to not worrying about tomorrow, or the next day, or August 1st or 22nd. Here's to being present ... and loving with every inch of my soul four beautiful littles that HE has entrusted into my care for this moment. 

*My newest tattoo and our adoption paperwork for "N". It's an infinity symbol with the word adoption in it ... the birds symbolize Josiah and "N"*

Here We Go Again ....

Around 5pm on May 20th I heard my phone ring. 

"Old Caseworker Name" popped up on my phone screen. 

I sit for a second trying to wrack my brain around which caseworker this is, and why they are calling me when it dawns on me ... hey! That's Baby N's caseworker! 

So I answer with a cautious ... "hello???" (thinking why in the world is this lady calling me?)

"Lindsay! I'm calling you to tell you some really exciting news! The case plan for N is getting ready to be changed from "reunification" to "adoption". The aunt who took her doesn't want to adopt her and wants to return her back to care."

ummmm excuse me?

"It's still going to be a long road through TPR ... but she's coming back and I had to call you to let you know! I totally have goosebumps right now, I can't even believe that this is happening!"

"Are you kidding me right now??"

"The aunt is willing to drive her back from NC herself this weekend."

"Ummm okay ... of course we want her, OMG this is crazy right now! ... we have two other kids under 2 ... but umm of course we can make this work! I can't say no!"

.... 

So that was my afternoon ... you experience anything like being told that what you thought was your once long gone little love now suddenly returning back to you with now the hopes of adoption added to her??!!

Oh geez ... seriously! 

The caseworker is supposed to talk with her tomorrow (now today ... I can't sleep) and get all the details, but from what she had said she would be returning her back this weekend. So hi, I need a THIRD crib ... and oh geez 

You know what ... there was a time when I beeeeegggggggeeeeedddd and cried to God for a baby. I thought that I was being punished. I was HEARTBROKEN. I knew beyond anything in my heart that I was supposed to be a mommy ... and I thought that dream would never come true. Now it's raining babies at the Cotton's lol. We will have four kids 2 and under .... welcome to the circus. :0) Is it crazy and chaotic? Yup, pretty much every second that they are all awake at the same time lol ... but we can't say no to her, we just can't say no. And we will love hard, and go crazy and laugh all at the same time ... but all these babies will know that they are safe and loved. 

Please, please keep praying with us. We still have a very very long road ahead of us. The caseworker is moving away at the end of this week ... she is putting everything in place for us, but it still makes me nervous. The court date to change the goal is June 11th and it will be months and months for TPR (termination of parental rights) to go through and then adoption. And I'm so scared to be this excited because the system has crushed us time and time again ... but I just can't help it. Our baby girl is coming home!