how do you choose???

A couple of weeks ago Jarrett from the Journey called and left a message on my phone saying to please call him about some adoption news. How does your heart not skip a beat when you hear a message like that?

When I called him back he told me about an agency called Covenant Care Services located in Georgia. He knew of someone that had adopted through this agency and had recommended it to him because of the cheaper adoption fees that he had to pay. I immediately called the agency to ask for some information regarding their adoption process.

After reading the information they emailed me, I had a lot of questions to be answered before I wanted to commit to this agency. It was hard not to get excited about about working with an agency that would potentially only cost us $7,500!!! Next to the $20,000 it would cost to work with Bundle of Hope. Holy Cow! But after reading through the information that they sent to us, it said that the cost of adopting from them would be BETWEEN $7,500 and $15,000 ... now I don't know about you, but that is a big difference. Plus you have to get your own lawyer to finalize the adoption which would cost more ... and then who knows any of the other hidden fees that would creep up on us later. I wanted to believe that this was possible .. but I honestly I am just so afraid to open up my heart for yet another disappointment. I'm afraid to go into something blindly fully trusting them only to get screwed over in the process.

After just re-reading that last sentence, I realize that is my problem ... here I am worrying about trusting someone or some agency, when really I need to be dropping to my knees asking GOD for direction and trusting HIM for HIS guidance ...

sorry ... middle of the blog random eye opener lol

Anyways ... so it's not that I haven't been mad praying about this decision. Asking God to give us direction, asking for peace and clarity on which way to go ... it's just that I haven't felt any peace about anything yet. I keep waiting on God to give me an answer, I just haven't heard anything yet. All of these random phone calls, emails, etc. about possible adoptions/agencies is getting a little too overwhelming for me. Like I said in a couple blogs ago, there are just too many "drafts" blowing our way right now. Like there are so many things that "seem" really awesome, but no clear picture on YES, THIS IS IT, open door, please walk through!"

I got an email back from the Georgia people today (gotta love with-it agency's who contact you back immediately) she gave me the break down of the income pay scale. It looks like we would have to pay $13,125 to adopt from there. I asked her if she knew about how much it cost to hire our own lawyer and she said that in Georgia it was usually around $1,200. But that we also had to make sure that we found an agency that could do our post-adoptive visits after we brought our baby home ... how much that would cost I don't know. And would Bundle of Hope still work with us on that when we didn't adopt from their agency??? Another big thing about this agency is that we have to wait until we have been married three years to apply which isn't until June. They also don't recommend making a specific gender choice, and Alya and I really want to adopt a baby girl. I just want to figure out which agency to use so that I can send in our grant applications. We have to really be sure of which agency to use because once we mail in those applications, whatever agency name we give is where the money will go. If we don't use that agency, then we lose all the money.

I've just been kind of feeling sick about making this decision. It's almost like we are signing our life away once we fully commit ... I'm usually the one that comes up with ideas and makes decisions throughout the process of getting to our goal .. not that Alya and I don't discuss decisions throughout the process, it's just that Alya is just usually the one who is like "sounds good dear", or "whatever you think we should do" he is a great support and just kind of goes along with the flow. I finally broke down to him this evening and caught him up to speed with the new information I got today. And I was just like "Alya, I really just don't know what to do!" And you know what, we actually had a good conversation about what would be the best decision for us. He actually gave his opinion, yea Alya! lol I really want to honor him as the leader of our family, and as my husband and really listen to his heart. He has such a quiet spirit, and it's hard for him to really open up about things ... but when he does, I know it's coming directly from his heart. He thinks that it would probably be best to stick with working with Bundle of Hope. After all is said and done, this Georgia agency will probably cost pretty close to what it will cost us working with Bundle of Hope. Plus there is a lot more leg work for us, which honestly we just don't need. Bundle of Hope has everything in place ... we really did feel peace from the very beginning with working with them ... and I agree with Alya, we should just stick with where we are. But this time we need to fully commit and get in the game!

So that's what's been running through the mind of an almost adoptive mother. :0)It's always hard going through something for the first time ... there are always SO many unknowns and it is a very scary road at times. I am so excited for this journey, even more ecstatic in thinking about our end result, but it's still scary thinking about the decisions that we have to make during the process of getting to the end. I just have to keep giving back my heart to God .. have to keep trusting him to keep it guarded and safe. Please just pray for a clear wide open door to open up. Please pray for our miracle ... we still have SO SO SO much money to raise, and I'd lie if I didn't say that it was daunting at times. BUT I also know that God can do anything ... and I am BELIEVING in OUR miracle to come soon.

getting serious ...

I was just thinking about the email that I got from Jane in Michigan the other day. In the email she was saying that she strongly encouraged us to "get serious" about adopting because she thought that we would be picked by a birth mother faster than we could even blink our eyes. I kind of laughed at that comment ... I just thought how much more serious could we get?? It's been a few days since she sent that email .. and I just can't get that comment out of my head! Maybe she's right?? I mean I DO definitely think that we are completely 100% dedicated and serious about adopting ... however there is still a list of to-do things that I need to complete in order to get the ball running a little bit faster. I think that I was just kind of sitting back being like okay God let's see what you've got! Which .. I am still waiting on that miracle lol ... but I still have some things that I am responsible for and need to get my act together on. So ... here's me "getting serious" and making a to-do list of things that I want to complete before the week is over. Wish me luck .. and send many prayers my way! :0)

Adoption To-Do's
1. Call new agency in Georgia and ask them my questions
2. Make a decision on what agency to use based on the answers I receive to question #1.
3. Call Bundle of Hope and ask if our Home Study will work for them
4. Complete the grant applications I have and MAIL THEM IN!
5. Check out the other grants that were emailed to me.
6. Add final details to our Lifebook on Shutterfly.com and purchase two of them.
7. Count Baby Bottle Bank money and have KC cash it in for me.
8. Deposit all our fundraiser money into our adoption savings account and get a new total!
9. Spend some much needed time with God praying for our miracle.

Okay .. so I am sure that there are probably more things for me to add to that list ... but I think that is a good start for right now.

i needed this day ...

So on Friday after school I went to visit my bff Kacie at the Callahan Railroad Day's festival. She was selling some of her cute hair bows. After I left I started to think that I should have gotten a table and sold some of my buckeyes for our adoption fund. We did such a good job when we sold them before Christmas .. I thought that it might go over well at the festival too since it was for a good cause. I texted Kacie the idea but never heard back from her.

Alya and I went about our night ... we went out for dinner and then decided that we were going to go to a late movie afterwards. It was about 8:00 when Kacie texted me back and told me that I should just use part of her tables to sell my buckeyes. So ... even though it was SUPER late I decided to do it! :0) We went to Walmart to get all of our supplies and then I got started on my buckeye making at 11:00 PM!! I stayed up until 3:00AM rolling my little peaunut butter ball heart out and then fell asleep for a few hours and got back up at 6:00AM to finish up everything.

Kacie and I started setting up our stuff about 9:40 or so. I met some really awesome people throughout the day and it was just one of those "I really needed this day" type of feelings when I left. I met a woman named Nikki who is hoping to start her adoption journey soon. She was such a sweet woman and I am praying that God gives her peace and direction to the next step in her and her husbands lifes. I also met another super sweet woman who was pregnant with twins! I loved her .. she was there with her mom, dad, and husband and she kept telling her mom to buy this and buy that. Her dad was interested in the buckeyes but her mom didn't really want to buy any. And the daughter was like "mom, buy him some buckeyes, they are for a good cause!" I liked her lol. Her and her husband went through IVF and are expecting a boy and a girl! Then I met another sweet couple named Kari and Phil who are in the process of adopting two older girls from foster care. We chatted for a little while and I felt such a connection with them. I am really excited for them and their little boy. I know that the girls they are adopting are going to come to a home filled with so much love. :0)

So today was good ... I loved being able to chat and relate with the few new families I met. It's helpful to know that we aren't alone in this journey. I still have some more buckeyes to sell, but I'm sure I can find some more people to buy the last 10 or so dozen I have left. I was able to return a bunch of extra supplies that I didn't need to use. I just put that extra money in my buckeye money box ... and the grand total for the day was ..........

$207.00!!!

Yea :0) we're getting there. Still waiting on that miracle!

Drafts

Where to even begin? My thoughts and emotions are everywhere ... and I just want something for real to happen!

We are doing a two week series at church called "Miracles" ... pretty much suits our lives right now huh? Last weekend Alya and I decided to sleep in and just have some "us" time during the day ... we didn't really plan on going to church that day (I know, bad us), but sometimes that just happens. Well a friend of mine told me that she thought that we should go to the evening service because they were anointing and praying over people needing miracles in their lives and she thought that it would be good for us to go. So, we did ... we went to the evening service and it was one of those services that was so powerful and where you leave with swollen shut eyes from crying so much. They called everyone praying for a miracle in their lives up to the front, anointed us, and then prayed over us. I lost it! (surprise, surprise). And then we started singing a song and the only part that I kept singing over and over again was where the chorus sang "No more Sorrow" ... no more! I'm so done with it ... I want joy to fill my soul by bringing a little baby into our lives. So this whole last week we, and so many of our friends, have been praying and BELIEVING in a miracle to happen.

That brings us to Thursday ....

I open up an email while at work ... and it's this woman saying:

Hi,
I got your name and email from Tammi Ambrose with Adoption Bug. I hope you don't mind that I am writing you.

I have been told that there is a baby due tomorrow (by C-section) in Michigan. Apparently, the birth mother is requesting that the couple be African American or at least one of the spouses. I believe there was some drug or alcohol exposure but I am not sure to what extent. If you are interested, please let me know as soon as possible. If a family is not found, the child will be placed in foster care. They are not sure the gender of the child.

Thanks so much!!!

Becca

UMMMMM HELLO!!!! WHAT??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???? How do you NOT get excited about something like that? So, I emailed her back immediately and she told me to contact the director of this adoption agency up in Michigan. I called that morning and had to leave a message. And I waited and waited and waited allll day. Finally at like 1:30 I got a call back from another woman working at the agency saying that I needed to email the director a bio about Alya and I and a picture. So I came straight home after school and did that very thing. I got an email back from the director right away saying that she thought that we were amazing and that we were one of three couples that would work for this particular situation. I had emailed her a list of questions, one of them being the cost, and it was still $20,000 ... sigh ...

Why does the only thing that stands in the way of me being a mommy time and time again have to be MONEY!!??!! grrr

I had to email the director back and tell her that we couldn't be considered for this particular baby. She said that she strongly encouraged us to get "serious" about adopting because we would be selected before we could blink our eyes. I just kind of laughed at that ... "get serious" ... we are serious! we just don't have the funds! Saying no for the second time about a baby was so so so hard for me. When will we be able to say yes?

I was talking to a friend about the situation, and I just asked how do I not get excited, or get my hopes up when a situation like this happens? I just keep thinking in my head, "is this really it? is this the time where everything is going to fall in place and I can finally be a forever mommy??" What is that going to really feel like when it does happen?

This is what is feels like ... and this is why I called this post "Drafts". Okay so I keep praying for an open door ... one where I know without a doubt that this is the route Alya and I are supposed to take to be forever parents. Instead this is what is happening ... the "door" or "windows" are opening ever so slightly to produce a "Draft" where it almost seems like adopting could REALLY happen. You can taste it, it's so close! But it's just not a complete open door yet ... so you get a little taste of how amazing it "could" be ... but you just don't get the whole "open door" effect. I mean I feel like in a way I am thankful for these opportunities to be available to us ... but it's almost like it's bitter sweet because it hurts so much when it doesn't go through. I get so excited, I want this so bad .... I would do ANYTHING ... but I just don't have the freaking money!

I was watching the news the other day ... there was a woman who was starving her twin babies to death ... I was so SICK after I saw that. HOW IS SHE BLESSED WITH TWO BABIES?????????????????? and we can't even have one? I just can't wait to love ... to cherish .... to show my baby how much God loves them. I CAN'T wait for that amazing time in our lives. And I know that God is still at work ... I am in no way doubting him, but knowing that he is still working and is still faithful doesn't take the sting away when something like this becomes available to us, but it's only a "draft", a taste, and not the whole "wide open door". It's a hard time for me right now I feel because once again everyone it seems that I know (at least 10 friends) are pregnant again. And I am so so so happy for them ... but it still hurts that we can't share that same joy right now. I asked Alya the other day what he thought it would be like for us if this wasn't a battle we had to go through? What our lives would look like if becoming parents was as easy for us as it is for all our other friends? I wonder? I know that I have learned one thing from this looooong journey is that I have become SO STRONG! I can see such a change in where I was at the beginning of this road to where I am now. And I do feel honored that God would choose us for this road ... but coming to the point where I feel honored doesn't make it any easier of a journey that's for sure. I think that this journey has made me a woman who doesn't take one bit of life for granted. I know that God is going to bring our miracle to us ... and I know that I need to be patient and wait.... but I am praying for that wide open miracle door to happen soon.

Believer in Miracles,

just another day ...

I've been reading through some blogs I have found online. Blogs written by women just like me ... women who long to have a baby of their own to love. Their stories of their long journey to living out their dream. It's been really encouraging to read their words ... just knowing that I'm not alone or wrong in having the feelings that I am feeling.

Here's a song that one of the women posted....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

"Not Lacking Anything"

So I have been reading through James ... and honestly most of my time I have been focusing on the very first chapter. I read through the whole thing the other night (not that it's long or anything lol) but I just kept coming back to the very beginning. These are the verses that seemed to demand my attention:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

I guess this really stuck out to me because of how much I have been thinking about how our long journey to be come parents has been so far. Just thinking about where I was when we first began this journey to where I am now. I'm sure that someone along this journey has quoted or referenced the beginning of this passage to me ... and I'm sure in my head I thought of some smart mouth thing to say back because I was so bitter towards God at that time. But as I kept on reading this passage something else hit me ....

"Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Not that I would ever really voluntarily go through what we have already been through on our journey to become parents again ... I totally see how God has been preparing us. I mean it's been soooooooooo hard, and my heart has been broken soooooo many times throughout the last two years. There was so much that I just didn't understand. There were so many questions I asked ... without ever really feeling like I had ever been given and answer. I cried too many tears, hated God too many times ... but through it all I know that God was still waiting for me to let go ... to simply trust ... I had to face everything that we did so that I could be complete ... have complete trust, complete faith, complete love, not lacking anything. Now, I don't know how close I am to all of that ... but I feel like I am a new person. I had to go through the deepest valley I have ever gone through in my life. This part of the passage reminded me of the "old me"...

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:2-8

It seemed never ending ... 2 1/2 years of emptyness and heartache. I would ask God for a miracle ... but I don't know how much I believed that he would really give it to us. I thought that I was being punished for something ... thought that I had to take the situation into my own hands. (boy was that a stupid thing to do!) And being unstable is an understatement I think ... I was a mess! But I have never felt more alive than I do now. And I have never felt so in love with my husband than I do at this very moment. We both needed to go through this time together I guess to really become ONE. I still long for the moment to be a mommy ... and I pray everyday that day comes soon ... but for the first time I feel so thankful to be chosen for this journey. Not everyone is called to love someone else's baby. And I feel so priveldged that God chose Alya and I for this adventure. I keep calling this time in our life and adventure, because I truly see it just as that. And adventure is amazing and fun ... but a true adventure can also be scary at times, and you might not be able to see your way out. But I've learned to completely trust God through this time and I have never been happier. I feel like the hardest walks through the valleys are only necessary to prepare you for something extrordinary on the mountain top. I can't wait to see what ours is going to look like! :0)

Brokenness

Sometimes it's hard to really hear God. Like I'm ready and waiting to see what He is going to do or ask me to do next ... but sometimes in that waiting I get a little confused on whether or not it's Him telling me to do something ... or if it's just my heart jumping in because I want this so bad.

We asked to have the boys removed a few weeks ago. I don't regret this decision at all ... I do think that it was in the best interest in everyone involved. But it took a week I think to really let the idea of them being gone set in. Looking back on it three weeks after the fact, I think that it was just Satan trying to attack. Trying to get me down, trying to bring doubt back into my life. I just felt like I had completely failed in loving those boys. I can't tell you all the people that would say, "Oh but you gave them the best home and care that they have probably ever had." And although that may be true, I didn't feel like it was the best that I could give them. I felt like I quit on the situation, and I am not a quitter. I felt like God had trusted me to take care of the orphaned ... and I had let HIM down. Basically I just felt like a failure ... THEN that very next weekend Alya and I were enjoying just being together down in St.Auggie when we get a call from FSS in Duval asking us to take a THREE day old baby boy and his one year old brother. OMG! Alya told me to say no because we just didn't know for sure if the boys would be adoptable or not and he didn't want to see me go through what I went through when we lost Hope. God, I was a mess! I mean I was so torn ... on one hand I was 100% done with working with FSS. I felt like they had screwed us over so many times. I was so tired of giving them my heart to break over and over. But then when they told me that he was only THREE DAYS OLD! I was like man, are we going to be missing out on something? I just got done saying no to one set of boys ... are we making a wrong decision in saying no to yet another set of orphans??? I know that God has called us to take care of the orphans ... but which ones do you want US to take care of God? What we really should have done is both of us needed to cry out to God right there in the middle of Kmart and ask God to give us direction. But we didn't.... I listened to Alya and I told the woman that we just couldn't take the boys right now .... and I felt ill. I felt sick in saying no to these perfect little babies ... but I didn't know if it was because it was because God really wanted us to take those sweet angels, or if it was just because it was a way for me to control getting to have a baby in my house again.

The rest of the weekend seemed kind of ruined to me after that. I still kept thinking that we had made a mistake. Nothing new was really happening in our private adoption journey at the moment. Just kind of in a standstill right now ... some things just because I have been busy or procrastinating which ever one it seemed to be depending on the day. But that Monday I got a message from a friend that I had met in a totally random place. :0) (Don't you just love how God uses the random places to work??) She was just starting out in her photography business and wanted to share what God was blessing her with to help out two couples with their adoption funds. She will be donating 10% of her photo sessions to our adoption fund! I was reading her message while I was at work, and I just completely lost it right then and there at my desk. I desperately needed a word of encouragement ... and I truly feel like God used her to give me some peace back to my soul. I just felt like God was saying, it's okay Lindsay, I've still got this. Stop worrying that you are missing out on something, you'll know when it's right. sigh .... sometimes I think that God uses our brokenness to calm our soul. He needs us to be completely vulnerable to really be able to hold on tight and trust Him, because honestly we don't really have a choice to do anything other than hold on to Him. I am so thankful for the reflection time that He has given me over the last few weeks. I'm thankful that He is so patient with my stubbornness. I'm so thankful that I don't have to do this alone.

Some Good Things:

* We now have $1,476.86 in our adoption fund.
* We have another fundraiser going on at http://www.adoptionbug.com/babycotton
* Julie Paisley is helping us out with giving us a portion of her photo sessions ... so check her out on Julie Paisley Photography on Facebook!
* We might have a potential professional fundraiser that wants to help us out??? Pray about that!

We had a photo session with Julie last weekend ... and she took some awesome pics of us in our adoption shirt from one of our fundraisers. Check them out! :0)










If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole long journey that Alya and I have been on, it would be this: Together we can do anything. We are more stronger today than we were yesterday ... and everyday God brings us one more step closer to seeing our dreams come true. He is a God of miracles ... and He is constructing one of His finest masterpieces right at this very moment. :0)