"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
I guess this really stuck out to me because of how much I have been thinking about how our long journey to be come parents has been so far. Just thinking about where I was when we first began this journey to where I am now. I'm sure that someone along this journey has quoted or referenced the beginning of this passage to me ... and I'm sure in my head I thought of some smart mouth thing to say back because I was so bitter towards God at that time. But as I kept on reading this passage something else hit me ....
"Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Not that I would ever really voluntarily go through what we have already been through on our journey to become parents again ... I totally see how God has been preparing us. I mean it's been soooooooooo hard, and my heart has been broken soooooo many times throughout the last two years. There was so much that I just didn't understand. There were so many questions I asked ... without ever really feeling like I had ever been given and answer. I cried too many tears, hated God too many times ... but through it all I know that God was still waiting for me to let go ... to simply trust ... I had to face everything that we did so that I could be complete ... have complete trust, complete faith, complete love, not lacking anything. Now, I don't know how close I am to all of that ... but I feel like I am a new person. I had to go through the deepest valley I have ever gone through in my life. This part of the passage reminded me of the "old me"...
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:2-8
It seemed never ending ... 2 1/2 years of emptyness and heartache. I would ask God for a miracle ... but I don't know how much I believed that he would really give it to us. I thought that I was being punished for something ... thought that I had to take the situation into my own hands. (boy was that a stupid thing to do!) And being unstable is an understatement I think ... I was a mess! But I have never felt more alive than I do now. And I have never felt so in love with my husband than I do at this very moment. We both needed to go through this time together I guess to really become ONE. I still long for the moment to be a mommy ... and I pray everyday that day comes soon ... but for the first time I feel so thankful to be chosen for this journey. Not everyone is called to love someone else's baby. And I feel so priveldged that God chose Alya and I for this adventure. I keep calling this time in our life and adventure, because I truly see it just as that. And adventure is amazing and fun ... but a true adventure can also be scary at times, and you might not be able to see your way out. But I've learned to completely trust God through this time and I have never been happier. I feel like the hardest walks through the valleys are only necessary to prepare you for something extrordinary on the mountain top. I can't wait to see what ours is going to look like! :0)
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