We asked to have the boys removed a few weeks ago. I don't regret this decision at all ... I do think that it was in the best interest in everyone involved. But it took a week I think to really let the idea of them being gone set in. Looking back on it three weeks after the fact, I think that it was just Satan trying to attack. Trying to get me down, trying to bring doubt back into my life. I just felt like I had completely failed in loving those boys. I can't tell you all the people that would say, "Oh but you gave them the best home and care that they have probably ever had." And although that may be true, I didn't feel like it was the best that I could give them. I felt like I quit on the situation, and I am not a quitter. I felt like God had trusted me to take care of the orphaned ... and I had let HIM down. Basically I just felt like a failure ... THEN that very next weekend Alya and I were enjoying just being together down in St.Auggie when we get a call from FSS in Duval asking us to take a THREE day old baby boy and his one year old brother. OMG! Alya told me to say no because we just didn't know for sure if the boys would be adoptable or not and he didn't want to see me go through what I went through when we lost Hope. God, I was a mess! I mean I was so torn ... on one hand I was 100% done with working with FSS. I felt like they had screwed us over so many times. I was so tired of giving them my heart to break over and over. But then when they told me that he was only THREE DAYS OLD! I was like man, are we going to be missing out on something? I just got done saying no to one set of boys ... are we making a wrong decision in saying no to yet another set of orphans??? I know that God has called us to take care of the orphans ... but which ones do you want US to take care of God? What we really should have done is both of us needed to cry out to God right there in the middle of Kmart and ask God to give us direction. But we didn't.... I listened to Alya and I told the woman that we just couldn't take the boys right now .... and I felt ill. I felt sick in saying no to these perfect little babies ... but I didn't know if it was because it was because God really wanted us to take those sweet angels, or if it was just because it was a way for me to control getting to have a baby in my house again.
The rest of the weekend seemed kind of ruined to me after that. I still kept thinking that we had made a mistake. Nothing new was really happening in our private adoption journey at the moment. Just kind of in a standstill right now ... some things just because I have been busy or procrastinating which ever one it seemed to be depending on the day. But that Monday I got a message from a friend that I had met in a totally random place. :0) (Don't you just love how God uses the random places to work??) She was just starting out in her photography business and wanted to share what God was blessing her with to help out two couples with their adoption funds. She will be donating 10% of her photo sessions to our adoption fund! I was reading her message while I was at work, and I just completely lost it right then and there at my desk. I desperately needed a word of encouragement ... and I truly feel like God used her to give me some peace back to my soul. I just felt like God was saying, it's okay Lindsay, I've still got this. Stop worrying that you are missing out on something, you'll know when it's right. sigh .... sometimes I think that God uses our brokenness to calm our soul. He needs us to be completely vulnerable to really be able to hold on tight and trust Him, because honestly we don't really have a choice to do anything other than hold on to Him. I am so thankful for the reflection time that He has given me over the last few weeks. I'm thankful that He is so patient with my stubbornness. I'm so thankful that I don't have to do this alone.
Some Good Things:
* We now have $1,476.86 in our adoption fund.
* We have another fundraiser going on at http://www.adoptionbug.com/babycotton
* Julie Paisley is helping us out with giving us a portion of her photo sessions ... so check her out on Julie Paisley Photography on Facebook!
* We might have a potential professional fundraiser that wants to help us out??? Pray about that!
We had a photo session with Julie last weekend ... and she took some awesome pics of us in our adoption shirt from one of our fundraisers. Check them out! :0)
If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole long journey that Alya and I have been on, it would be this: Together we can do anything. We are more stronger today than we were yesterday ... and everyday God brings us one more step closer to seeing our dreams come true. He is a God of miracles ... and He is constructing one of His finest masterpieces right at this very moment. :0)
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