We are doing a two week series at church called "Miracles" ... pretty much suits our lives right now huh? Last weekend Alya and I decided to sleep in and just have some "us" time during the day ... we didn't really plan on going to church that day (I know, bad us), but sometimes that just happens. Well a friend of mine told me that she thought that we should go to the evening service because they were anointing and praying over people needing miracles in their lives and she thought that it would be good for us to go. So, we did ... we went to the evening service and it was one of those services that was so powerful and where you leave with swollen shut eyes from crying so much. They called everyone praying for a miracle in their lives up to the front, anointed us, and then prayed over us. I lost it! (surprise, surprise). And then we started singing a song and the only part that I kept singing over and over again was where the chorus sang "No more Sorrow" ... no more! I'm so done with it ... I want joy to fill my soul by bringing a little baby into our lives. So this whole last week we, and so many of our friends, have been praying and BELIEVING in a miracle to happen.
That brings us to Thursday ....
I open up an email while at work ... and it's this woman saying:
Hi,
I got your name and email from Tammi Ambrose with Adoption Bug. I hope you don't mind that I am writing you.
I have been told that there is a baby due tomorrow (by C-section) in Michigan. Apparently, the birth mother is requesting that the couple be African American or at least one of the spouses. I believe there was some drug or alcohol exposure but I am not sure to what extent. If you are interested, please let me know as soon as possible. If a family is not found, the child will be placed in foster care. They are not sure the gender of the child.
Thanks so much!!!
Becca
UMMMMM HELLO!!!! WHAT??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???? How do you NOT get excited about something like that? So, I emailed her back immediately and she told me to contact the director of this adoption agency up in Michigan. I called that morning and had to leave a message. And I waited and waited and waited allll day. Finally at like 1:30 I got a call back from another woman working at the agency saying that I needed to email the director a bio about Alya and I and a picture. So I came straight home after school and did that very thing. I got an email back from the director right away saying that she thought that we were amazing and that we were one of three couples that would work for this particular situation. I had emailed her a list of questions, one of them being the cost, and it was still $20,000 ... sigh ...
Why does the only thing that stands in the way of me being a mommy time and time again have to be MONEY!!??!! grrr
I had to email the director back and tell her that we couldn't be considered for this particular baby. She said that she strongly encouraged us to get "serious" about adopting because we would be selected before we could blink our eyes. I just kind of laughed at that ... "get serious" ... we are serious! we just don't have the funds! Saying no for the second time about a baby was so so so hard for me. When will we be able to say yes?
I was talking to a friend about the situation, and I just asked how do I not get excited, or get my hopes up when a situation like this happens? I just keep thinking in my head, "is this really it? is this the time where everything is going to fall in place and I can finally be a forever mommy??" What is that going to really feel like when it does happen?
This is what is feels like ... and this is why I called this post "Drafts". Okay so I keep praying for an open door ... one where I know without a doubt that this is the route Alya and I are supposed to take to be forever parents. Instead this is what is happening ... the "door" or "windows" are opening ever so slightly to produce a "Draft" where it almost seems like adopting could REALLY happen. You can taste it, it's so close! But it's just not a complete open door yet ... so you get a little taste of how amazing it "could" be ... but you just don't get the whole "open door" effect. I mean I feel like in a way I am thankful for these opportunities to be available to us ... but it's almost like it's bitter sweet because it hurts so much when it doesn't go through. I get so excited, I want this so bad .... I would do ANYTHING ... but I just don't have the freaking money!
I was watching the news the other day ... there was a woman who was starving her twin babies to death ... I was so SICK after I saw that. HOW IS SHE BLESSED WITH TWO BABIES?????????????????? and we can't even have one? I just can't wait to love ... to cherish .... to show my baby how much God loves them. I CAN'T wait for that amazing time in our lives. And I know that God is still at work ... I am in no way doubting him, but knowing that he is still working and is still faithful doesn't take the sting away when something like this becomes available to us, but it's only a "draft", a taste, and not the whole "wide open door". It's a hard time for me right now I feel because once again everyone it seems that I know (at least 10 friends) are pregnant again. And I am so so so happy for them ... but it still hurts that we can't share that same joy right now. I asked Alya the other day what he thought it would be like for us if this wasn't a battle we had to go through? What our lives would look like if becoming parents was as easy for us as it is for all our other friends? I wonder? I know that I have learned one thing from this looooong journey is that I have become SO STRONG! I can see such a change in where I was at the beginning of this road to where I am now. And I do feel honored that God would choose us for this road ... but coming to the point where I feel honored doesn't make it any easier of a journey that's for sure. I think that this journey has made me a woman who doesn't take one bit of life for granted. I know that God is going to bring our miracle to us ... and I know that I need to be patient and wait.... but I am praying for that wide open miracle door to happen soon.
Believer in Miracles,
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