This post is just me being real. I've been doing a lot of reflection since my last post. Re-reading old journal posts that I have written throughout this LONG journey of ours. Remembering where I used to be and reflecting on where I am now. I just wanted to be vulnerable in this post ... wanted to share some of those deep dark moments I had to go through. The following are parts of journal entries I have written over the last three years ...
12/31/07
I'm sitting in a room that is supposed to belong to my baby. The sweet small child that I have dreamed of having my whole entire life. All that I have ever wanted was to be a mom. That's all I have ever wanted. And now I sit in this room ... a room waiting to hold a sleeping child .. a child you won't give me. I can be honest in saying that I don't understand you. I can be honest in saying that I am so very angry. I can be honest and say that my faith is incredibly weak right now. Honest in saying that every month another piece of my heart is stripped away. Honest in saying that as each day slips by I feel more and more of me die. I know that I'm not "supposed" to blame you, or get angry with you, or tell you it's not fair. But I am anyways. It isn't fair that we can't have the child we have been dreaming of. It's not fair that people who don't even want kids can get pregnant multiple times while month after month I cry myself to sleep. And I am angry at you. What is it that you want from me? Why is everything I do have to be so damn hard? God I don't even know what to do. I seriously don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so depressed all of the time. I feel like I am slowly dieing. I know that it's because I don't spend time with you anymore. I know that I need you, but to be honest, it's so hard to find even a little bit of faith in you. Like it's easier to be pissed off at you because I just don't understand than to have faith and trust in you. It seems easier to be pissed ... but it also seems to make me more and more depressed because I feel all alone.
2/18/08
I don't cry as much these days for my baby. Some days are still hard. I catch myself starring at little babies and their mothers, or starring at a young girl at Taco Bell who's pregnant and wondering how old she is. Thinking wouldn't it have been better if I could have been the one pregnant so that she could go on living her childhood? It's still hard ... but I seem to have a little more peace as each day passes. I'll catch myself counting the days ... like I'm supposed to start today, even though I usually start two days early. Thinking/telling myself to just hold on ... keep holing on. one more day. maybe this time. I end up only crushing myself each time. But how can I stop thinking like this? How can I stop realizing what the date is?
6/13/08
(after looking into fertility treatments)
I am not doing very well. I feel so low, so depressed. I'm just so tired ... so over this. What hoop are we going to have to jump through now? I'm just so tired of trying something new only to have my heart crushed every time. All I want to be is a mom. Why is that so hard? I'm tired of crying. I just don't understand why this is happening to us. Why would I have the desire to be a mother burn so deep inside my heart only for it to never happen? If God is trying to teach me something .. I sure would like to know what it is. Lord, Why won't you let me be a mommy? Why won't you allow me to pour my love into a child of my own?
8/25/08
It all feels like a dream ... an unreachable dream ... So I just turn off the switch and stop caring, stop feeling.
10-6-08
I'm tired of the tears. I'm tried of a broken heart and lost hope. I'm tired of forcing a fake smile. Of pretending that everything is okay when it's not. I'm tired of asking why and never receiving an answer.
12-23-08
I'm tired of sitting in the pit. I want to start walking again. I want to start breathing again. I'm tired of holding my breath every waking day. Daryl said something last Sunday that really struck something in my heart. He said, "If you will believe what you know to believe in spite of your circumstances - and trust I'm good even when it doesn't look like I'm good. Understand I'm doing things you cannot see for reasons you do not know." I need to write that on my bathroom mirror at home. There have been so many times through this whole journey we've been on that I have questioned God. Wondered why or where He was, or even if He were real. Questioned my marriage and wondered if I had made the right decision. Wondered why I was being punished. Wondered if my heart would ever stop aching, or if I could even continue on with my life. Wondered where my comfort was. I just need to keep reminding myself of that quote so that each day I can take another step in knowing that He's got this in his hands.
9/3/09
(after losing Hope)
I haven't journaled in a long time ... so much has changed in our lives. So much time has gone by ... so many heartbreaking moments. I went through experiencing the most amazing things in my life to wanting life to just be over. Sometimes I forget how to breathe, or to find the desire to even go on with this miserable life on earth. I am just so ready for the moment where my heart doesn't shatter into pieces. They took our Hope away from us the Friday before Mothers Day. It took a long time before a day would go by without shedding any tears. It's been 4 1/2 months since our baby girl was taken from us. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I am so tired of people telling me it will get easier with time, or that God has the perfect child for us we just have to wait on his timing. That I just need to move on with my life. What the **** do they know? No one gets what it's like to live through this hell. I finally accepted the fact that I can't have my own babies, although I still think its a bunch of b.s. I finally have a baby of my own, love her with everything within me only to have her taken away. I have been so bitter towards God over these last four months ... never understood before how people could become bitter towards him, but now I'm one of them.
Re-reading these journal entries brought back a lot of emotions. I remember exactly what I was feeling and thinking while writing each one ... some were written three years ago, but the emotions that seeped through the words seemed like they could have been written yesterday. I am happy to say that I am not the same Lindsay that wrote those journal entries now. Those emotions are still very real to me ... I still have bad days, but I am so much stronger now. And my faith, well that isn't a question anymore. I feel like I have never relied on God more than I do now. And it's because of that, that I feel so strong. It has been quite the ride that's for sure. And I'm sad that I had to go through those deep valley's for as long as I did. I am so glad that I am climbing up towards the mountaintop now though. Alya and I's marriage is stronger now than it's ever been and I am so happy that God has brought us through this journey together.
I'm not going to lie, I still have rough days. This past week has been kind of rough. Just dealing with like a bazillion friends exciting news of becoming pregnant. I am so excited for them ... but I won't lie and say that it doesn't cause a little heartache at the same time. I just wonder when our time will come ... but until then I am still staying strong and 100% trusting in HIM! Sometimes I'll catch myself saying "I will trust in YOU, I will trust in YOU, I will trust in YOU" over and over again just to keep me sane. :0) Something Random: So, Alya showed me his fortune from his fortune cookie the other day. This is what it said: "You will be happy to receive good news." How amazing that would be. :0)
So tonight was special ... we went to church as usual, but what happened afterwards was the special part. Our crazy loving friend Dave came running up telling us that he really felt like God had laid something on his heart to tell us. He was like did you see me grinning up there on stage at you? (he plays the guitar during worship) He was like I was so excited that I wanted to run down and tell you right then but I didn't think that Chris (worship leader) would like that too much ... so I have been waiting here in the back until church was over. He was like I really feel like God wanted me to tell you that "it will happen". I don't know if that means anything to you, but I just really felt like I needed to tell you. Dave, you have no idea what that short little sentence means to me. You have no idea how much you touched my heart tonight. So thank you for being obedient and coming to share what God placed on your heart tonight. Sometimes no matter how strong I try to be, doubt comes crawling in ... and that was exactly what I needed to hear to chase that doubt away. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So tonight ... I go to bed with a heart that is full. We have amazing friends who have walked side by side throughout every single high and low, I have an amazing husband who I cherish so much, and I have a God that never quits on me. Sorry this one was so long ... there was much on my heart tonight.
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