Choice number one: Fall apart. Hate God. Become bitter. Hate God some more. Hide away in the darkness. Yell at God. Cry. Sob. Shout. Cuss. Cry some more. Repeat all the above.
Choice number two: Cry. Give my aching heart to God. Be real. Be vulnerable. Cry some more. Shout. Trust. Be still. Hold on to God with everything I have. TRUST. And hope.
I can say from experience that I have already picked choice number one in the past. I have already traveled down that crazy, dark, lonely, depressing road before. God didn't lead me down that road ... I chose it. And I can say that since I've already "been there, done that" I AM NOT going back.
So ... that leaves me with choice number two.
I cry.
I give my aching heart to God.
It's okay if I sob ... (God doesn't mind my snot and swollen shut eyes, He still thinks I'm beautiful) :0)
I can be real and honest with how I am feeling.
I can be vulnerable with sharing my heart with HIM and also with supportive friends.
It's okay if I cry some more ... God made me a tender hearted, emotional, basket case ... He still loves me when I cry.
I can shout ... He wants me to be real.
But I need to trust that HE has this all taken care of ... HE ALWAYS HAS.
I also need to BE STILL because obviously HE is trying to get me to see or learn something from the
I need to hold on to GOD with EVERYTHING I have .. because frankly HE is the only one that I can fully rely on. He is the only one that is going to remain constant ... He is the only one that I can fully trust.
I have to for real, like a million percent, TRUST him ... Choice number two has TRUST listed twice just in case I
And ... I need to still HOPE. I need to hope for the good. I need to keep hoping for the joys of being a mommy. I need to keep HOPE for the orphaned.
I have already gone down the road of choice number one, and I don't want to go back there. I don't want to become that depressed Lindsay again. I stayed in that pit for faaaaaaarrrrrr too long. And I'm done with it. So choice number two ... although it's still going to be hard ... although my heart will still ache ... choice number two has so much more of a promise than choice number one.
Yes, I am still aching. Yes, my eyes are swollen shut right now. Yes, I have the WORST headache in the world from crying my brains out earlier. Yes, I can barely talk because I have been holding my breath trying not to sob ridiculously loud to where the neighbors might come knocking to see what's wrong. Yes, I can still be real and vulnerable and share my heart and say that I am tired of the hurt and always having a broken heart. I am allowed to be real and say that it's just not fair. I might even shout out a few "Why God's".... but it's okay .. because I'm still going to trust HIM. I'm still going to BELIEVE that HE is painting a beautiful picture out of my life. I'm going to TRUST HIM and know that I just have to hang on because HE has something so crazy amazing in store for us. I refuse to miss out on what HE has planned for my life because I am too busy throwing a pitty party for myself.
The waiting is hard. The pain sometimes seems unbearable. But I have a loving God who is holding me tight tonight. I know that we will make it through ... and yes, it may be a hard few
My heart and prayers go out to this new momma. I pray that J gets the support and love that she needs to raise this new baby. I pray for her new baby, that she grows up knowing that she has one tough loving momma that is willing to fight to the end for her. I pray that God provides all the love and support that they need to make it through each day.
I have a choice. And I choose to trust. I choose to love. And I choose to hope.
praying for you. i can only imagine what you are going through. but I LOVE this post. it's so full of real emotion and truth. I'm so glad you are choosing to trust. :)
ReplyDeleteLinds....you are an inspiration. I love you. xo
ReplyDeleteoh girl...i cannot imagine what your going through but your choice of handling it is SOOO strong. One thing that helped me during my four miscarriages when I was in the middle of the worse pain and sorrow and crying like you mentioned, is I would make myself start singing praises to God and finding ways to thank Him because we are suppose to thank Him in ALL circumstances...trust me...i know during times like this, its hard BUT I found that once I started doing this...i felt so much better and had more comfort and peace!
ReplyDeleteYou are pouring your heart out to God. He has the perfect plan for you. I know you don't see it now but you will soon. I am here if you need anything or want to talk. Just email me your number. Praying for you today!
ReplyDelete"I have a choice. And I choose to trust. I choose to love. And I choose to hope."
ReplyDeleteLove this attitude!! Cling to Jesus!! The baby He has for you is counting on you to choose to trust. To choose to love. And to choose to hope!! And to wait on Him. Amiah IS at the end of the wait, however long, and however painful. Keep your eyes FOCUSED on Him!!
Love you girl!!
Hugs {and some shared tears}
I am so sorry to hear you've had to endure this again. It is so easy to slip into that darkness of lost trust. I can't pretend to know what you are going through but I have been in that place where you know what you should do (trust, believe, have faith) doesn't jive with what you want to do (just give up, etc). I am so glad you chose the former. I am so praying for you tonight. I will tell you what a good friend once told me: Don't let this terrible hardship go to waste... use it for HIS good. You will have an incredible testimony of faith and trust in the end when there truly doesn't look like there's a reason for trust. That is when God works his most amazing miracles. Praying & hugs.
ReplyDelete