Letting Go Of Some Stress ...

Boy am I ready to get off this roller coaster ride of emotions! I really have been trying to keep it all together. I've been doing my best at just giving everything I am feeling over to God. But sometimes those emotions spill on over ... and I just need a good cry. I haven't really gotten to do that yet ... but the tears are at the brim and ready to fall. I am not the type of person that holds in my emotions ... in fact I'm probably at the other extreme where I cry at just about anything. I just need that alone time to be transparent ... just be me in the moment of uncertainty .... cry it all out, and then move on with my life trusting that God has it all taken care of.

When it comes to adoptions there is just soooooo much involved. A million and one plus some of paper work, every background, finger print check you can think of, ... sometimes I think that if i was able to have my own kids they would require my first born too. lol Then there is the wait time in between each set of paper work. There's all the little details that have to be figured out immediately ... and sometimes you just get worn out. It's hard to be strong all the time. It's hard to pull up your big girl pants and just suck it up all the time. Sometimes I don't want to be the one in charge of getting everything together. And I know that it will all be worth it in the end ... and I'm not saying that I wish that this wasn't my life ... I'm just being real and needing to vent ... needing to let all my emotions spill on on this page so that I don't have to carry around this heavy burden all the time.

I think I just kind of hit my limit of dealing with things today when I called my insurance agency. I had thought that my "maternity" leave would be covered under my insurance but I learned today that I was very wrong about that. I am able to get leave off of my job ... it's just that it's not payed leave. Which is a problem when you depend on that paycheck coming in. I'm just frustrated because I only have 7.5 payed days to take off when Amiah is born. I really was wanting to take off more than that. I guess I just kind of feel cheated with my time off with my new little baby girl. And it just makes me want to cry. Sometimes I feel like I'm already not getting to go through the experiences of carrying and birthing our own child. That I won't be able to even be there when she is born ... OR see her until two days after she is born ... I also wasn't planning on taking all the time off that most new mommas get when they have a baby ... all I was hoping for was 3 weeks and then our Christmas break to enjoy lovin on my girl. The answers I got today just wasn't what I was expecting and I guess it just hurt my heart a little bit. I know that everything will work out in the end .... this was just a me needing to be real moment.

Our birth momma's next doctor appointment is on Monday. Our agency is supposed to let us know how that goes next week. Praying she can hold on until at least Thanksgiving, although I'm dieing to hold that little girl in my arms NOW! :0)