Decisions

Last week when I got the call that no one going through an adoption EVER wants to get ... our agency asked me what they could do to help us with future matches. Did we want to be notified when we were matched? Or did we just want to be called when they had a baby to give us from the hospital?

I kind of want both.

I want to be able to get that call that I feel like I've been waiting all my life for.

The call where they tell me I'm FINALLY going to be a momma.

I want to be excited. I want to be able to share with my family and friends. I want to be able to PRAY. I want to buy cute little outfits and prepare her nursery. I want to announce the amazing news on Facebook and our blog. I want to be able to shout out to the whole world that our waiting is OVER!

I want what EVERY OTHER expectant mother gets to experience.

I already kind of feel like I have to give up so many other things that you get to experience while carrying your own child.

Why can't I have the simple but amazing experience of celebrating a life?

But then ... knowing that we were SO ... SO ... SO close. Just ONE day away from becoming parents and learning that it wasn't going to happen was MORE THAN devastating. It took my breath away. I felt numb. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to us AGAIN.

So ... because of that pain, I kind of wouldn't mind waiting until all papers have been signed and the baby will have a 100% chance of going home with us.

Do I want to experience this aching again?

NO. Absolutely. Not.

But I emailed our agency yesterday and told her that I wanted to know anyways. I wanted to know when our profile book was looked at. I wanted to know when we got matched.

I want to celebrate more than being scared of a broken heart again.

I want to have HOPE more than holding onto fear.

I want to trust more than control.

I want to believe more than doubt.

I want to be able to have my friends and family surround us with prayer more than hide away alone.

So ... here we go jumping off a cliff again. Having faith that God is going to catch us.

Today was better emotionally wise for me. I don't know if it was because I was busy with my students, but I am 100% feeling all the prayers that have been sent our way. I just want to thank you all for all the encouragement. Please KEEP IT COMING! Each day is a new day with new battles to face. I'm learning that my attitude about the situations that come our way effects how I make it through each day. So I'm trying to keep a positive attitude ... I'm trying to keep trusting that God has this all in His hands and that He is making something beautiful out of it.

I ended up calling the Catholic Charities adoption agency that is located here in Jacksonville. The one that we are working with is in Pensacola. I probably would have started working with the one that was closer to us from the beginning, but I had no idea that there was more than one. Alya was thinking that maybe the agency that is located here in Jacksonville might have some potential matches for us. I know for a fact that we would have to pay another $500 application fee again. Which sucks. But I don't know if their adoption fees are the same as the one in Pensacola. I don't want to work with them unless they are spread out like our original agency's fees are. No one answered the phone of course, so I just left a message. I'll update whenever I hear something back.

I was just wondering if any of my readers have ever gone through an adoption that fell through? Could you share with me your experiences? When we first started this adoption journey I felt SOOOO alone. All of my friends were pregnant and having their own kids and no one GOT IT. They were soooo supportive and encouraging, but they just couldn't relate. Then, I found the adoption blog world :0) and I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt crazy for the feelings that I had ... I felt normal for once. And it was so amazing to find new friends through this blogging experience. But, now I kind of am feeling alone in our new experiences of our adoption falling through and I was just wondering if anyone else out there could share their experiences with me.

Please keep us in your prayers. We found out that Alya's mom is sick in the hospital and they have called in hospice. We don't really know what is going on. And we are supposed to leave for Louisiana to visit my parents on Wednesday. It seems like we are getting hit in all different directions right now.

I have a choice. And I am choosing to trust. I am choosing to love. And I am choosing to hope.