I Could Never...

The hoops we have jumped through, the mountain of paperwork that was filled out, the inspections, the “calls” that have come, the kids we have taken into our home, the ones we said no to, the promises that were broken, the failed adoption, an open adoption, the one that came back home, and the ones that are still to come pretty much sums up the last five years of our lives. And in those past five years there have been a lot of comments that people have made:

“I could never do what you do.”

“I would get too attached and never be able to let them go.”

“It takes a special person.”

As a foster parent (and I think that my other foster mommas would agree), I hate those comments. I’m an ordinary, broken, selfish, opinionated, judging person.

I got into foster care for selfish reasons. I got into foster care because I couldn’t become a mom the “natural” way. I got into foster care because adopting or IVF was too expensive. I got into foster care because there are so many kids that need a loving home, and it would be so easy. (learned that one the hard way) I got into foster care for selfish reasons …. but now I chose to be a foster parent because God has called us to this journey.

But hasn’t he called us all?

The fact is, I CAN’T do what I do … I’m not the one that can take these kids in, can love, comfort and provide a safe place for them to heal. I don’t do that … HE does. It baffles me sometimes when people say, “I could never let them go”. Do you think I can? I can’t tell you the number of times I have wanted to run away to another country with my littles. How I have begged and pleaded with God to let them stay. How I have bitterly yelled at God that this was not fair, that it was not right, that these kids were not ready yet ….. that I wasn’t ready yet. But you see it’s not about me. It’s not about you. It’s about HIM. It’s about being obedient. It’s about taking care of the least of these.

Foster care/adoption is a hard, hard, hard road. There are so many days when I want to quit. When I cry out to God and tell him that my heart can’t take this anymore. But then he reminds me of alllllll the times I hear people say “I could never do what you do”, and it makes me think that if I quit, and all these people I know that don’t even want to try … then who will be left to love these kids?

The fact is we weren’t asked what we would like to do. We weren’t asked if we would prefer the easier road. And to be honest, if we were, both of my hands would shoot up into the air. I remember calling Alya last week when we found out that N’s trial was now pushed all the way back to January. I remember being BROKEN. I remember asking Alya on the phone why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t just one time be somewhat easy for us? Why do we have to fight every second of this journey? And the answer: because we are commanded to take care of the least of these. Not just Alya and I. Not just all the other foster or adoptive families out there. ALL.OF.US. That means you too. If I’m stepping on any toes, then good …. we need to constantly be begging God to break our hearts. We need to be following God into those uncomfortable places. We need to fight and be a voice for those that don’t have one.

We live in such a broken world. Fostering and adopting are messy. There is so much loss, there is heartache, and there is brokenness. But in all that mess … there can be redemption, God can and will be glorified. I’m begging you to ask God to lead you, to challenge you, to break your heart for these littles.

Please stop saying “I could never”, “I don’t have enough money”, “I don’t have enough space” … please stop making excuses. If you are obedient, HE WILL provide.

There are so many excuses that I could make for my own family. But if I’m honest, God can shoot down any excuse I try to create. I have seen some crazy God miracles in these last five years. Josiah being one of them … his adoption was $15,000 … and we didn’t pay a penny of that. I have another friend that raised $30,000 in one month … ONE MONTH! God’s heart is for the orphaned. You don’t have to go overseas (though I’m not against that), you don’t even have to be a foster parent. These kids are in our own backyards … they could be your kids friends, they could be student at your school, you could be a big brother or sister, you could mentor … I’m challenging you during this time of “thanksgiving” to look around you and see what you really have to offer. I’m challenging you to ask God to make you uncomfortable. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, God will stir something in your heart that doesn’t make sense. It will defy the norm … but you know that it is right. You know that God is asking you to do something or be a part of something crazy amazing. Don’t hesitate, don’t back out because of doubt or fear … I promise it will rock your world. 

The Beginning of Something Bigger?

Oh friends, I wish that you could have been with me on this crazy amazing, God orchestrated day. I mean literally ALL of the things that I was praying would happen at court today HAPPENED! Thank you so much for praying on behalf of our family and baby N. Thank you for interceding and really praying for peace and comfort, for vulnerability and openness. Today was amazing ... and it had nothing at all to do with what happened in the court room. It had everything to do with two people who both loved a sweet little girl and honestly wanted the best for her. It had everything to do with stepping out of comfort zones, with being vulnerable and selfless ... and that my friends is how adoption can become a beautiful thing.

Baby N has been in care for a year now. This whole year has seen a million different ups and downs, 4 caseworkers, 2 supervisors, and 2 lawyers. There has been excitement and loss and surprises at every turn. It has been a long road ... and unfortunately we aren't done yet, but part of that is also what makes adoption beautiful.

Let me back up to this morning. You won't even believe it when I tell you this ... I still am kicking myself.

I leave my school around 8:10 this morning after getting all of my sub stuff together. I had this weird feeling like I needed to text N's caseworker to make sure that court was really at 9. Her response was that no, court was at 8:15am. Ummm it was 8:10 and I was still a 30 minute drive away plus parking and walking through a massive court house. My heart sank ... I had planned on giving her parents pictures of her one year photo shoot today, and I was really really really feeling like today was the day that her dad and I could have a heart to heart conversation. And I had ruined it by not being on time. I texted the caseworker back and told her to try see if the dad would wait for me to get there so that I could give him the pictures. I drove like a crazy momma while freaking out with an IG foster momma on the phone. "Kelli you won't even believe what I did!" ;0) *Thanks for helping me keep it together by the way* Only by the grace of God was the judge late! I was able to park, run through the courthouse and into the courtroom exactly ONE case before ours! Just in enough time to sit next to her dad and hand him his copies of the pictures. We were called up, the judge asked if the lawyers needed anything for the scheduled TPR hearing on the 31st. They said no, and boom we were done. I ran over to the mom's lawyer and asked if she could please give her, or let her see some pictures of N (she is in jail for an extended period of time) I wrote on the back of one of the pictures all the little things I would wish to know about my baby. And then I walked outside. Dad showed me some pictures on his phone of when he celebrated her birthday with her at a visit and I showed him the ones we took of her party. And then he left. It was awkward, and felt unfinished ... but I didn't know what else could have been done.

Caseworker and I talked for a few minutes, and then she was like Lindsay, he is coming back. I turned around and he was like hey can we talk for a few minutes? I said sure, so we took a walk and sat on a bench for like 15 minutes just being REAL with each other. Oh friends, I could sooooo feel your prayers during this conversation! He told me that he just wanted to be honest just he and I no legal people around to tell us what to do or think. He told me that there was a grandfather and great aunt that lived in Pennsylvania that was interested in taking N, but that he had been thinking about it for the last couple of days and he just felt that if he couldn't have her then the best thing for her was to be with us. He said that he was so tired of all the changing around, that he was just ready to be done. He wanted her to be safe and loved and she had all of that with us. He said that her mom felt the same way and that they were so thankful for all that we had given to her.

So, now that he had been real, now it was my turn.

I started off by saying that first we would a million percent love for her to stay with us forever. And that as a foster mom I am kind of put in a hard place sometimes. That really the only relationship that we have with each other is through court. I see him, he sees me, I hear a little bit about him, he hears a little bit about me and boom that's it. I said there has been no time to start a relationship with each other or build any type of trust with each other. I also said that I was in no place to judge him or her mom. That we all make mistakes and we can all make a choice to learn from those mistakes and change. I shared with him how we had an open adoption with Josiah's birthmom, and that things were a little bit different with his situation, but that I wanted that same thing for N if we were allowed to adopt her. I told him that I wanted her to always know that she was adopted, and that she had two mommy's and daddy's that loved her. I wanted to know as much as I could share with her. I told him that I wasn't sure what type of level that openness would be ... that as a momma I still had to protect my babies and that I need to make sure that the people that came in and out of her life were making good choices that were safe for her to be around. But that I was willing ....

It was a moment that I don't think that I will ever forget. A moment of honesty. A moment of sacrifice and discomfort. A moment of love and willingness to do whatever it was for the best interest of this little love. It was filled with pain and tears and heartbreak. But friends ... I really think it was the beginning of redemption.

He hugged me and thanked me and we went our seperate ways. I don't know what will happen next ... but I do know that those 15 minutes we shared is the potential picture of brokenness being restored. Please keep praying for our girl.

Court Again: Is this on Repeat?

How can I convey to him how deeply she is loved?

How do I prove to him that her home is with us?

How can I be vulnerable and honest, yet at the same time guarded and protected?

How do I know how much of my heart to share and how much should be kept sacred?

I'm such an open book. You can usually read my face before I even open my mouth. I lay it all out there, well ... because that's who I am. Take me or leave me, but you have all of me. It's a gift and explosive bomb all at the same time.

1. Here is all I am and all I have .... let's become friends and have a deep and meaningful friendship.

2. Here is all i am and all I have .... take advantage of me, stab me in the back, take my heart and break it into a million pieces.

Get the point?

I was sent a text yesterday from N's caseworker saying that dad had given some more names of family members that live in Pennsylvania.

My first response ... and literal text back: "Are you shitting me??"

I told you, you get all of me ... haha

I was angry (can you tell?) I felt defeated all over again for the millionth time it seemed on this journey of foster parenting. Imagine confetti flying in the air as an announcer loudly proclaims "Congratulations the system has screwed you over again! And you have won a brand new BROKEN HEART!"

Yeah ... I might be a little dramatic too ;)

But if you are a foster momma ... you get me, I know you do.

But then after I had a couple of minutes to process the information through anger a new feeling came over me ... and I really can't put a name to it. I don't know if it was understanding or sympathy or a longing to have a relationship with the birth parents of my daughter or what.

We have an open adoption with Josiah's birthmom. I love that we can share with each other the joys of watching him grow up. But what I love the most is that Josiah will always know who she is and have access to her if he ever has any questions. With N ... it's a little different. I want to have that for her too ... but N's parents are choosing a path in life that is destructive them themselves as well as her. So I can't promise them that it would be open or the level of openness. But I want to be real with them. I want to be vulnerable .... why?? I don't know? Maybe because God thought it would be really funny to give me a compassionate heart to make decisions that might not make sense to anyone else in the world. That he would give me a heart that I constantly am at battle with. A heart and mind that don't always communicate in the same way.

To be honest, the last two court hearings I have avoided her dad like the plague. He really is a nice guy ... or comes across that way anyway. But I felt sooooooo emotional about everything that was going on that I didn't feel like I could put on a fake smile and have small talk with him. But maybe God is asking more than that from me. I'm not saying that he and Alya and I are going to become best buddies ... but maybe he just needs to know that she won't be gone forever. Does that make sense? I don't know ... all I know is that I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about it. I just want it to be done ... I'm tired of holding my breath ... I'm tired of being fearful of her leaving us again. I know that those are all things that I shouldn't be feeling ... that the "Christian thing" to say would be God's got this, his will be done. Well no kidding ... but the HONEST thing and hey that's what I am remember, is that this sucks. Adoption and fostering is haaaarrrrrddddd. We have fostered 8 littles in the past 6 years. Losing those kids has been like 8 of my children that have died. Died. Died. Seriously ... they are gone ... we have put everything we had into loving those kids, and now they are gone from our home forever. But N came back to us ... and friends I just can't bear to let her go again.

So tomorrow is the pre-trial at 9. Please pray with me that there will be an opportunity to be real. To just be me. And that I will take advantage of that opportunity and not chicken out.

Goodbye August!

Pheww!

The month of August was like a whirl wind full of on the go craziness, new obstacles, and roller coaster rides of emotions. I.Am.So.Glad.August.Is.Over!!

Now to recap because I literally haven't had time to pee let alone sit down and blog. *so serious*

The last time I blogged was on a Tuesday with the pre-trial for "N's" parents coming on Thursday. Keep in mind the whole time that we were preparing for court to come we were thinking that the trial would be at the end of the month, parents would lose their rights, we would petition to adopt, and then she would be ours forever .... all in that order. Fast forward to the very next day, Wednesday ... I had just picked up all four littles from daycare when I got a call from "N's" GAL letting me know that her supervisor had just informed her that they were going to have to back track during court and give her dad more time for his case plan because there had been some serious miscommunication about all that he had actually completed so far. I don't even know how I answered her ... I almost started laughing thinking surely this was a joke. The adoption specialist had just been out to our house for goodness sake! And why in the world hadn't the caseworker called me!!?!?! I was so thankful for her GAL because it was totally not her job to contact me, she just cared and knew that we would be heartbroken.

The next day was the first day of school for the teachers. I had to leave in the morning for court at 10. I got in the car, turned it on and the very first song that was playing was Mandesa's "Overcomer". Oh my word, let the tears flow now .... so perfect. I walked into the courthouse chanting "You're an overcomer, You're an overcomer" over and over, willing my heart to believe those words. Praying that I could keep my emotions in check and say what I needed to say. Praying that I didn't have to sit and make small talk with dad ... because my heart just wasn't up for it on this day. Thankfully it was a packed courtroom ... I hid in the last row until her case was called. Sure enough, once we got through all the introductions her lawyer asked for the trial for TPR to be removed and that they were going to give him more time. That was the biggest SLAP in the face! To say I was devastated was an understatement. The judge apologized for my grief and that was that ... new court date with the magistrate on September 9th to review the case again. Talk about 10 steps backwards ... I flew out of that court room. I didn't want to talk to or look at anyone ... chanting "you're an overcomer, you're an overcomer" over and over again until I reached my car. I got inside and l.o.s.t.i.t. God why is this happening? Why are our hearts being jerked around? I don't want to be an overcomer God, I just want to love our baby girl and never have to be scared of losing her again. You've got this right???

I drove back to school feeling defeated. Feeling like I couldn't breathe, and that the tears would never stop flowing. Feeling misled and crushed that even though we are "just" foster parents we weren't important enough to be informed of the change. Later that day the lawyer actually called me (this has never happened in the last 5 years of fostering for us) and apologized for us not being informed of the changes. She explained all the reasons why she did what she did and what to expect to occur in the next couple of months. Did the conversation change what had happened? No, but it did make me feel so much better to be let in on the game plan, to know what to expect and why it was all being done. It allowed me to take a deep breath, acknowledge that yes, I am an overcomer, and know that God has always "had this". The next day I was called by a new supervisor for her case and informed of a new (4th) caseworker as well. I am very happy with this decision and am confident that it is a good change.

So as of today, we are waiting for court again on Monday. It's another advisory hearing ... some things have happened so we are pursuing the goal of adoption again. We should get more court dates then ... stay tuned, and keep praying!

Now onto the boys.... We have had a 1 1/2 year old and a 9 mo. old since April Fools Day. Five months ... and now they are gone. They were reunited with their grandmother this past weekend. We have been doing a slow transition back home for the last two weeks. It is ridiculous how quiet our home is now. Having four littles 2 years old and under is a crazy fun time .... crazy, did I say crazy? I really didn't realize how much work it took to care for all of them. We made it happen every day. They were all taken care of, they were all loved ... we made the circus work. And we loved it. My heart is not okay with the decision to have them leave .... I'm scared, but I'm praying with all my might for protection for those sweet boys. It's out of our hands, we did all we could while they were with us. So now we just pray, and spend all this extra time we have now loving Josiah and "N" and each other until the next "call" comes. We packed up all of their clothes and all the baby things .... settling into a new normal again *whatever that is*.



A note my hubby wrote to me on our bathroom mirror the last week of having the boys. "No matter what happens at the end of this week we did make life change. I believe we help even if it's just a little. We may lose them, I just hope they never forget us. I love you for your courage and ambition to love the unloved and give your heart and motherly arms to embrace them. You're my mommy hero. Love you 8"



I just have to say that I am so very thankful for that sweet hubby of mine. He is a man of very little spoken words ... but he has always stood by my side through all of the ups and downs fostering and adoption have thrown at us. Together we make one hell of a team, one that will always and forever fight and love our littles with everything within us.

The Battlefield

"Be vigilant on the battlefield of your mind, for that is where most of our battles are lost or won!"

-Tammy Nolan

 

Ever have one of those experiences where you read something and you know that you know that you know that it was meant for you to read that very second???

 

I was meant to read that quote today. I neeeeeeded to read it today.

 

The adoption specialist came by to bring a ton of paperwork for me to sign for "N's" adoption. The meeting was fine ... no big deal. She was in and out in about 10 minutes. She doesn't even have to complete a homestudy for us because we already had a foster one done through FSS so all she will have to do is some minor updates. You know like change the word "foster" to "ADOPT!".

 

I'm going to get Alya to sign the papers tonight and then drop them back off at her office tomorrow. We have to get fingerprinted *AGAIN* and then the ball can get rolling with all the paperwork. We have to also get 5 references completed and turned in. Once TPR occurs on the 22nd we will schedule for her to come back out to our home to share all the non-disclosed paperwork with us and then petition to adopt. We will have to wait at least 30 days after TPR occurs before we can officially adopt "N".

 

She seemed like this was an open and shut case. I mentioned the other family members who the mom was trying to get homestudies done for ... she had no clue about them. She shared some information with me of possible things that could happen .... non that set my worried mommy heart at ease.

 

I'm so ready for the month of August to be over already! I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders and that I won't be able to breathe until all of this mess is done and over with. My brain keeps going a million miles a minute with all of these possible scenarios and to be honest I just need a good cry. (Glass I mean pitcher of "mommy juice" anyone??) I happened to stumble over that quote above on a friend's FB page ... WAM! It totally smacked me across the face *in a good way*. I really need to get a hold of my thoughts ... All these scenarios that I have on instant replay in my mind are all things that could happen. But there is nothing that I can do about a single one of them at this point in time. The choice I have right now is to allow myself to get beat down by all the "what-ifs" or I can choose to push all that negativity out of my mind ... my heart, and love my littles in this moment. The fact is I'm still nervous, I'm still scared that we might have to say goodbye to our little girl for a second time .... but I'm going to choose to trust that God's got this taken care of. And that if that moment comes He will carry me through it.

 

Court for pre-trial is Thursday ....

 

Keep praying friends.

 

 

 



That Path

"That path to your greatest potential is often through your greatest fear."

 -D. Bellar

 

My greatest fear in life was not being able to become a mommy. My little four year old self who pretended to nurse her babies knew in her heart all along that she was destined to become a mommy one day. That little girl only knew love and hope and innocence. She had no idea the pain and sorrow that she would experience throughout this long journey of motherhood. She didn't yet know the strength that it would take or the tears that would be shed. But she came into this world full of stubbornness, of determination, of deep love, and passion. Those four things would carry her.

 

Living out my greatest fear, my nightmare, my hell has taken me to a place of desperation. Desperate for the Lord to hear my cries. Desperate for the Lord to carry me through those dark valleys. Desperate for the Lord to share in my sorrow as I cried for our littles and the injustice of this world. Desperate for the Lord to give me a voice, to give me strength.

 

At one point at the beginning of my journey to become a mom, I was angry and bitter that God was punishing me from experiencing the greatest desire of my heart. But what I have discovered throughout these long six years was how God already saw me. I just pictured myself as a wife becoming a mom some day.  Nothing exciting, just what every little girl dreams of becoming one day. God pictured me in a whole different way. He already knew the passion that lay deep in my soul. The fighter that would stand and become the voice of the orphan. A woman of great stubbornness, who never let down even in the hardest of times. He knew the great strength that I would need to endure the journey ahead. He knew the tenderness of my heart that would break for any child that begged to be loved. He called me to something bigger than I ever imagined for myself. So for that I am thankful that He had me live out my biggest fear. I had to walk through every bit of sorrow, every angry tear, every time I yelled at him that this wasn't fair. All of that ugly was part of my transformation into my greatest potential .... HIS design for my life.

 

 

"Sometimes God lets the good things fall apart so HE can let HIS things fall into place." -D. Bellar

 

Losing our littles back to their families is always heart breaking. It's like a death of your child, something no parent EVER EVER EVER wants to experience. It's a pain that will never ever go away. The days become easier to maneuver through as time goes on, but there is always a constant void in my heart that only their little soul can fill. I miss them. I love them so much. I'm thankful for even the short time that I was able to love them in our home.  And I am always wondering how they are and desperately praying with all my heart and soul that they are safe and loved. It's hard understanding why God would take our  littles away from our home and place them back in the same situation that they had originally come from. It's hard to understand why "God lets the good things fall apart".  But something I've learned along this journey is that God always has something bigger planned than what my little eyes can see. I'm just looking at a little speck of this massive beautiful picture He is painting of my life. And each time He tells me something - that I think is beautiful - will fall apart, He also asks if I can trust Him with something even greater. I'm not going lie ... I kick and scream and cry and yell "THIS ISN'T FAIR!" And oh, how thankful  I am for his patience with my stubborn heart. He doesn't tell me that I have to ever stop loving or ever stop fighting or even stop crying or hurting .... but He does ask me to trust. To have faith that He has something so big not only for my life, but for all of our littles lives too.

 

With the "within two-week" eviction notice that we have been given for our boys I want to kick and scream that this isn't fair. That them living with us was is a good thing. But once again, my Father is asking me to trust in HIS bigger plan. I hate the idea of these boys going back to live in the same exact situation that they had come from. It scares me to the core that their innocence is going to be permantly stollen. I hate not having a voice in this. I hate loving with all I have ... but in the end it's not enough to keep them with us forever. I know that God has been working on both Alya and I's hearts ... and I know that He is moving us into a whole new direction that is exciting and scary at the same time. It's a whole new ballgame of trust. So we are loving with all we have until the day comes where the boys leave us. Our home will always be open for them to come back if that glorious day comes. But until then we hold on tight to the ONE who knows all.



 

"Maybe God hasn't revealed his faithfulness because you haven't exercised your faith." -D. Bellar

 
I encourage you to check out the link below ... It is one of the most beaufitul adoption videos I have seen. "Adoption is .... family"

"The pure joy that will come from a rescue and a ransom of a child's life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine."

 

 

And We Have Contact!

FINALLY got a hold of the adoption specialist for "N" I have only been trying to return her phone call for over two weeks now. Her message on her answering machine says that she would return my phone call within 24 hrs ... yeah that was just not happening ... I was about to call her supervisor if she didn't answer today .... guess she sensed that :0)

 

Her fist question to me was ... "So do you want to adopt "N" *toally saying her name wrong* .... HELLO! YES! ABSOLUTELY! 150% YES!! So next week on Tuesday she will be coming out to the house to go over a ton of paperwork. Alya will sign the paperwork that evening and then I'll return it back to the agency the next day. (totally my decision) We have to get our fingerprints done *again* and then we will be ready to go. She has to do two visits, but can't come back out until after TPR (termination of parental rights) has actually occrued. So she will come back out sometime after the trial on August 22nd. After TPR happens we have to wait at least 30 days until we can actually adopt her. So anytime after September 22 she can officially become 100% Cotton.

 

Keep praying friends!

Three Littles

Our 3 Littlest Littles

 

 

"N's" caseworker (we are on #3 now) came by this past Wednesday. It was just a routine visit .... you know because this is the first time she has seen her since being assigned her case. I had tons of questions for her though ... like what in the world is going on with the people that the momma wrote down for "N" to go to??????

 

Apparently one is a cousin ... and guess what?? She just moved this past weekend! (AWESOME NEWS) So she still has to get all settled into her new place before they can do a homestudy. Which is all great, because the move has delayed everything. (TWO Thumbs Up in my book!)

 

We go to court on August 1 (next Thurs ... the first day of school!) This is a "pre-trial" which is where they will discuss what the attoneys will need during the trial; witnesses, amt. of time, etc. (I heard the actual trial could go from 1-3 hrs!) I feel like it is extremely important for at least my face to be present at ALL court dates so that the judge and anyone else involved knows that I am involved, and WE WANT HER! The acutal trial is August 22nd ... really and truly have no fear of them NOT losing their rights. We just need to hurry along the month of August to make sure that no one else comes out of the wood work to take her away from us.

 

Her Guardian Ad Litem (the person appointed by the court to be in a sense the child's voice ... she shares with the judge what she thinks is in the best interest for the child) is supposed to come to do a home visit this Saturday. I really really like her a lot .... so better believe we will make sure it is known that we want "N" and are willing to do whatever we can to fight for her.

 

I feel like everything this week was okay ... no new news that shocked me like the last court date. We are still very much waiting ... so keep praying hard friends!

 

Oh, hi I'm not done ... we've got two more littles to discuss ...

 

"M" -1yr "R" - 7mo are brothers. They came to us on April Fool's Day no less .... Their whole situation is a HOT freakin mess as well. The parents are not getting them back at the moment (still working on a caseplan) but there have been three different relatives that they were trying to get them moved to. Their caseworker did a last minute call that said he needed to be at my house today for a visit (it was 4:35pm when I talked with him) because it had been 30 days since he had seen them last and he wasn't supposed to go over 23 days. Ummm ... okay, not my fault. So I busted my butt to get to daycare (30 min away) and then drive alllllll the way back to where I had started (another 30 min) to get all the kids home and some what settled before he showed up at our door. He told me that the one grandma's homestudy was looking pretty good ... that he was 90% sure that it would be approved and that the boys would probably be leaving within the next two weeks or so. That she had to do some parenting classes because she had prior records but that everything seemed to look okay. (sounds perfect to you too right???) And that she would be highly monitored at least three times a week to make sure that the boys were being taken care of properly. (still sounds super right??) Not to mention this was the same place that the boys were removed from before they came to us .... sigh ...

 

It isn't surprising me that they are leaving.

 

Honestly I am feeling kind of numb at the moment.

 

Please cover these sweet INNOCENT boys in prayer. Pray for PROTECTION.

 

There is going to be a lot of change happeing in the next few weeks ... new normals to begin to adjust to. Pray for peace and comfort .... and understanding. It's hard ... fostering is hard, and it's ugly sometimes. But we do everything we can to love our littles while they are here with us. We fight and love until the end.

 





Calling All Adoptive Mommas!!!

Have you heard the exciting news???

In February and March there will be a retreat for adoptive mommas in Atlanta, Georgia! 

 

Check out their website ... it seems like it will be an amazing time of fellowship! I have heard that there are like 400 women that attend this event and it is full within 24 hours of open registration! 

Another adoptive momma and I are already planning on going to the February one. If you are interested in going and need someone to room with let me know. We are still looking for two more mommas who are planning on going to room with us. Orrrrr if you live in Florida and want to car pool with ME, send me a message and we can work out the details! 

I am more than super stoked about this opportunity! I can't wait for the chance to meet in person all the adoptive mommas I've been blog stalking over the last few years. :0) 

So .... are you going???!!!??

Standing ... Okay Really Just Clinging On To Faith

I missed a call earlier when I was at the ear specialist with our littlest foster baby this morning. When I went back and listened to my voice mails I had one from the adoption specialist that works for "N's" agency. She wanted to set up a date to come out and do a home visit and complete an adoption homestudy for us. It's hard not to allow my heart to leap out of my chest ...okay, really nearly impossible. Having someone call YOU about completing all of this HAS to be a good sign right?? 

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise waiting? 

I really think God gets a good chuckle at watching me squirm. 

sigh ... 

Thinking back to court last week .. 

I was sitting next to "N's" birth dad and I noticed him holding his head in his hands praying. 

We were both begging God for the same little girl. 

"Please Father, bring her home." 

Worn

Being honest. Being transparent.

Here's the ugly behind the "I've got this smile" ... 

I keep having nightmares. Ones where I'm fighting and begging the judge to please consider what "family" really means. That a blood type, a last name, the courts .... none of those things can tell me that "N" isn't our daughter  No one can ever deny the love that we have for her. Nightmares where I'm asking him to consider that we have been the only family that she has ever known. That family that was "blood" gave her back after they only had her for 2 months.  Nightmares where my pleading and tears do no good. Nightmares where I have to say goodbye for a second time. 

I had to sit next to her birth dad  ... (he shouldn't even deserve to be called a dad - I know that's ugly ... but hey I'm being real here) at court. He told me that he was very thankful for all that we have done for her and how much we have loved her. He told me that when he gets her back that he would still let us be in her life ... like an aunt or uncle. I smiled and shook my head .................. but I wanted to spit in his face (again ... super ugly ... but being real again). I am her mother. And Alya is her father. A parent should fight for their child. And they have not. 

We are scheduled to go to court again on August 1 for pre-trail and then again on August 22 for trial. The parents are supposed to lose their rights at that time ... and I honestly have no fear at all of that not happening. But I found out last week that the mom has given more family member names to be considered as placement for "N". That news crushed me. Here I am turning in my adoption paper work that the agency had given us ... thinking that this was going to be a for sure thing. Nothing ever works out how it's supposed to with the system ... I don't know why I allow myself to hope that things would be different this time. So now we have to wait ... wait to see if their homestudies are approved ... wait to see if we have to say goodbye to our daughter for the second time or not. So we are begging for you to bathe our family in prayer during this time of waiting. 

It's not supposed to be like this. Why is fear plaguing something that is supposed to be beautiful?

Why can't just one time, one adoption be easy(ier)? 

My heart keeps playing this song by 10th Ave. North over and over and over to God.....

I'm tired I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let me hope fail 

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak 

Life just won't let up

And I know you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I'm worn 

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I'm worn 

I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn 

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn 

Cause I'm worn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn 

I keep crying out about how worn I am. About how my heart just can't take another blow, another gash ... I literally don't know how I could heal from having to give her away again. I don't know if I can keep fighting. It's been 5 years that we have been foster parents ... in those 5 years we have fostered 8 children, had one failed adoption, and adopted Josiah. It's been the most beautiful and trying years of my life. Everyday has seemed like a fight .... and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of not having a voice. As a foster parent you take in these babies and you love them and you try to fix them up as best you can. You give them a family, a home, safety, security, routine and most important love. And then one day a judge decides what should happen to them ... and you have to be okay with that. But this time ... I'm not okay with her leaving. And I will do everything I can to fight for her ... because I can't walk away knowing that as her mother I haven't done everything in my power to fight. 

I was scrolling through facebook the other day and I found a post of one of my sweet foster/adoptive mommas from her devotional and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read. 

"Do not worry about tomorrow! This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is only for one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry. Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy my presence continually by trusting Me at all times."

Ummm, yeah ... I needed to read that just a little bit.  So ... here's to not worrying about tomorrow, or the next day, or August 1st or 22nd. Here's to being present ... and loving with every inch of my soul four beautiful littles that HE has entrusted into my care for this moment. 

*My newest tattoo and our adoption paperwork for "N". It's an infinity symbol with the word adoption in it ... the birds symbolize Josiah and "N"*

Here We Go Again ....

Around 5pm on May 20th I heard my phone ring. 

"Old Caseworker Name" popped up on my phone screen. 

I sit for a second trying to wrack my brain around which caseworker this is, and why they are calling me when it dawns on me ... hey! That's Baby N's caseworker! 

So I answer with a cautious ... "hello???" (thinking why in the world is this lady calling me?)

"Lindsay! I'm calling you to tell you some really exciting news! The case plan for N is getting ready to be changed from "reunification" to "adoption". The aunt who took her doesn't want to adopt her and wants to return her back to care."

ummmm excuse me?

"It's still going to be a long road through TPR ... but she's coming back and I had to call you to let you know! I totally have goosebumps right now, I can't even believe that this is happening!"

"Are you kidding me right now??"

"The aunt is willing to drive her back from NC herself this weekend."

"Ummm okay ... of course we want her, OMG this is crazy right now! ... we have two other kids under 2 ... but umm of course we can make this work! I can't say no!"

.... 

So that was my afternoon ... you experience anything like being told that what you thought was your once long gone little love now suddenly returning back to you with now the hopes of adoption added to her??!!

Oh geez ... seriously! 

The caseworker is supposed to talk with her tomorrow (now today ... I can't sleep) and get all the details, but from what she had said she would be returning her back this weekend. So hi, I need a THIRD crib ... and oh geez 

You know what ... there was a time when I beeeeegggggggeeeeedddd and cried to God for a baby. I thought that I was being punished. I was HEARTBROKEN. I knew beyond anything in my heart that I was supposed to be a mommy ... and I thought that dream would never come true. Now it's raining babies at the Cotton's lol. We will have four kids 2 and under .... welcome to the circus. :0) Is it crazy and chaotic? Yup, pretty much every second that they are all awake at the same time lol ... but we can't say no to her, we just can't say no. And we will love hard, and go crazy and laugh all at the same time ... but all these babies will know that they are safe and loved. 

Please, please keep praying with us. We still have a very very long road ahead of us. The caseworker is moving away at the end of this week ... she is putting everything in place for us, but it still makes me nervous. The court date to change the goal is June 11th and it will be months and months for TPR (termination of parental rights) to go through and then adoption. And I'm so scared to be this excited because the system has crushed us time and time again ... but I just can't help it. Our baby girl is coming home! 

Broken

I just feel so broken tonight.

Broken for our kiddos … the ones that have come and gone the ones that are sleeping in the other room right now, and the ones God will bring in the future.

Fostering is to love without abandon.

Fostering is to understand, when no one else will.

Fostering is to fight when everyone else has quit.

When we were told that we couldn’t have our own babies I remember begging God with everything inside my soul to allow me to become a momma. And he made it happen … just in ways that I never imagined. He gave me a heart that baffles me sometimes. A heart that loves so deep and so fierce I’m afraid I’ll burst; a heart that breaks when one of my babies leaves our home; a heart that somehow is sewn back together and grows a little more when the next love comes our way. A heart that always says yes and never wants to say no. A heart that believes in love and restoration. A heart that believes in hope. I remember begging God so hard to allow me to become a momma that it is unfathomable to me to witness and attempt to piece back together the lives of the broken babies that come to live with us.

It angers me that even after five weeks our one year old still doesn’t trust that he will be fed.

It angers me that so many of our kids have been addicted to drugs before they even breathed their first breath.

It angers me that they have been neglected.

It angers me that unimaginable things have happened to these sweet little lives.

It angers me that their innocence has been stolen.

It angers me that I can’t take the hurt and the pain away.

It angers me that I just can’t seem to love enough.

It angers me that most of the time these kiddos go back to broken families that were never fixed in the first place.

It angers me that I have to wipe a students face and arms down because they haven't been bathed in two weeks.

It angers me that I have to have clothes and food stashed away because they have worn the same dirty outfit for the last three days, and that the only meals they might have are the ones they eat at school.

It angers me that these things are happening right in front of our noses. It angers me that there aren't more that are choosing to fight and stand and speak for those that have no voice.

When I begged God to allow me to be a momma ... I had NO idea the magnitude of call He would place on my life. He listened, but He gave me way more than I could have ever dreamed. When He called me to be a momma it meant that I would become a momma to far more than would ever even live in my house. And I am so thankful that He not just heard my cry, but the cry of so many littles that just wanted to be loved.

I pray so hard sometimes that God would MOVE, that he would HEAL, that he would RESTORE.

I never pray for him to take this heart away … I never pray for it to stop breaking when they leave. I never stop fighting. These babies need, they deserve someone to fight for them. They deserve someone to love them so much it hurts. And when the pain becomes too much to bear and there are no words to cry out anymore … I allow the silent tears to fall and speak for me. I know He hears my heart, I know that He shares this same pain … and I know that He is asking us to do something about it.

So on those days when frustration rises … when there are more hard days than good … when there is nothing but crying and biting and fear and mistrust …  I have to stop and remember how to love deeply in that frustration. I need to stop and remember to love in that pain. Because they don’t understand what unconditional love is. Because they don’t know how to trust. Because they don’t know what it means to not be abandoned. Because they don’t know what a full belly feels like. Because HE has called us to love “the least of these” … and I do, and always always always will.

The Green Mile

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! My alarm blares for me to get my butt out of bed. It's the dreaded morning ... I hit the snooze button, close my eyes and pray pray pray that this is just a nightmare and I don't really have to face reality that today is the day that we are losing our sweet little love.

Seven minutes pass by .... BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Crap ...

I drag myself out of bed, get dressed, do my hair (though I think what's the point it's pouring outside - fitting huh -) , and put on my makeup (waste of time, I've already cried half of it off before I can even finish). I run through the morning routine in a fog, silent tears running down my cheeks as I hurry to get things together for us to leave for court. I lift baby girl out of her bassinet in our room and carry her to the changing table in Josiah's room. She smiles and stretches and starts talking to me. I smile and sob, and laugh and sob ... and sob .... and sob. Oh sweet baby I'm going to miss this time with you. We get everything packed up, babysitter for Josiah arrives and we leave the house to pick up my mom. (p.s. I'm so thankful for her being there that morning ... there is nothing like knowing you have your own mom - your rock - standing with you through one of the most difficult moments of your life)

I sat in the backseat of the van so that I could feed her and spend the last few minutes just her and I. We arrived at the ridiculously huge courthouse -lost of course, because we've never been to court before -. The caseworker finds us roaming the hallways and takes us down another hallway to where the dad and the aunt are waiting. I felt like I was walking the "green mile" ...

We were introduced to the aunt and her friend. The caseworker asked if I would allow dad to hold baby girl. I said sure, handed her over and LOST IT completely. I had to turn and face the wall in order to try and control the silent sobs that were shaking my body. After a little while the caseworker asked if we could spend a little more time with her before the court case started. We took her and played and talked with her, finding those tickle spots and making her giggle. I fed her one last bottle and she fell asleep in my arms. Waiting for a court case to happen is like waiting at a doctor's office ... we waited for over an hour to be called into the room. We all walked in and started to sit down and Alya and I were immediately told to stand up front in between the parents and the DCF lawyers. Her mom and I locked eyes at once ... this is the first time she has seen her since she was born ... mom had tears in her eyes ...... I know it's weird but I felt this connection with her. I wanted to tell her that she had the most beautiful daughter. That she had the sweetest spirit. And that we were so in love with her. But I couldn't .... so I just said those things through my eyes and willing my heart to speak to hers.

The judge asked who we were and then called the aunt up. She asked how long she had known baby girl, her reply - I just met her in the hallway. All parties had agreed that a change in placement with a family member was in the best interest of the child. The judge then called the lawyers to talk with her privately and she kept looking over at Alya and I (while I silently sobbed rocking baby girl in my arms), then talked to the lawyers, then would look at us ... back and forth back and forth. And I was like oh my how amazing would it be for her to say, "Mr. and Mrs.Cotton I think she needs to continue to stay with you". She excused the lawyers and then turned to Alya and I. She said I'm going to agree to the placement with the aunt, but I want to thank you for all that you have done for baby girl. It is obvious that you have loved her very much. Everyone that has spoken to me has said that you have gone above and beyond caring for her. I'm sorry that as foster parents things don't always work out the way that you hope and I know that this is killing you. But I thank you for all that you have done. Boom ... case dismissed.

We left the courtroom and spent a last few minutes holding and loving on our sweet little love. I had made a little scrapbook for baby girl to have of pictures of her with us and Josiah and all of her little "holiday firsts". I gave it to the aunt who said that it was beautiful and that she would keep it forever for her. She asked us for our information so that she could send us pictures. She gave us her information as well. For that I am thankful. We walked to the front doors of the court house and handed her over to the aunt. We had to meet them in the parking lot to give them all of her things. And that was it ... the aunt left with the sweetest gift that she could have ever received, and we left empty handed and broken hearted.

We returned home to our little man who promptly brought over one of her pink toys and said "baby?, baby?". Deep breath ... yup buddy that's the babies. She had to go bye bye. *tear

Yesterday morning was so hard. I woke up, dragged myself out of bed and was immediately faced with her empty bassinet. Found some dirty bottles we hadn't yet washed. Crap, there's her passie we forgot to pack. And my heart breaks a little more and the tears start to fall. Then on the baby monitor I hear the most beautiful words my heart has ever heard - "Momma" "Momma" "Momma" Josiah was calling me from his crib to get out of bed. My heart was still hurting, and I was still missing her ... but I was ever so thankful for our little man who would always call me momma. He has my heart.

I was reading a devotional yesterday and it was one of those - did you write this one for me??? Because it was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly that time.

It was talking about being in a pit and what you choose to do while you are stuck in that pit. Sometimes we find ourselves dealing with situations that we didn't expect, don't ever want to face and well just plain suck. I'll be honest my first reaction has usually been something like this: "God, why are you allowing this to happen?" "God, this isn't fair." "God this is far too much for my heart to bear!" And the all to famous .... "Why?" The devotional had me read about Daniel and how he had just learned that anyone who prayed to any god besides King Darius would be thrown into a lions den. Want to know what he went and did?? He threw open his windows and prayed anyway. He didn't pray God this isn't fair!" He didn't pray "God save me". He didn't pray "God make me into a bird and let me fly far far away from here." He prayed "Thank you God" "Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before" Daniel 6:10 The devotional went on to talk about how our initial responses to situations are the by-product of the rituals we've established in our lives. Daniel built up a habit of being thankful. "Who God is and what god provides was front and center in Daniel's heart -even in the midst of the heartbreak."

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Even in the midst of our heartbreak there is still a place to be thankful.

Is my heart breaking? 1 million percent YES. I miss that sweet little love more than anything. It is still okay for me to grieve our loss ... it's still okay for me to be sad and miss her. But it's not okay for me to stay in that pit and overlook all the amazing things God was doing and will continue to do through her little life. And I'm thankful that I'm not in the same deep dark pit I was in when we lost Hope. But it is easy to focus on the sadness sometimes and forget about the good. So I'm going to end this post with all that I have and will continue to be thankful for from this situation.

* I'm thankful for cuddles.

* I'm thankful for the chance to love her with a momma's heart when her own momma couldn't.

* I'm thankful for the special bond Josiah and baby girl had with each other. It was a beautiful thing ...

* I'm thankful that God has called us to this hard journey.

* I'm thankful for the chance to watch Alya interact with her. He really is an amazing daddy. He loves his babies so much.

* I'm thankful for when Alya leans in to kiss me good morning and whispers "I miss her too".

* I'm thankful that Josiah provides us with laughter and smiles even when things are still hard.

* I'm thankful that God has given me a heart to both love and grieve fiercely.

* I'm thankful for those friends who pray with us and love us through the hard times. I'm thankful when they give us room to grieve and agree that things suck sometimes. I'm thankful that they don't try to "fix it" ... but they are just there to love us.

* I'm thankful that I'm not a quitter ... and that I've been called to be a momma to many.

Little Love

 

It’s been awhile … okay a year … but I desperately need a place to allow my emotions flow. So excuse me as I dump raw emotions all over my blog page without the least bit of insight on what the rest of the year has been like. I’ve missed this space, this time to process all the good and the bad that our family has experienced day to day. Today is … sad. It’s raw. It’s aching … but eventually it will be okay again. We took in a new little love into our home the day before Thanksgiving. She has brought so much joy into our lives. We knew that this situation was most likely temporary, but oh we prayed that for once an adoption could come easy to us … not so much *hey a girl can dream can’t she?*. She leaves us on Monday (after 105 days with us) and I just need to let some emotions escape before I explode.

 

People tell me all the time that they would never be able to foster. That they could never be that strong; that they would never be able to give the kids back again. They ask me why I keep doing it time and time again. Well … I ask myself that very same question all the time. Lindsay, why do you keep putting your heart out there, loving so deeply and madly only to get crushed over and over again? The answer: because I am madly in love with kids. Because I’ve known my whole entire life that I have always been meant to be a mom … it’s just it took awhile to understand that it didn’t matter who I was a mom to, or for how long. My heart beats motherhood. I’m not some super mom who has some type of crazy strength … actually at this moment I feel like I’m the complete opposite. I’m broken … I take one look at that sweet little baby and I can’t help but tear up at how much I’m going to miss her little coo’s and that sweet sweet smile. I’m sick at the idea of her leaving … and my heart, for the second time out of the six littles we have fostered feels uneasy about letting her go. Legally, she’s not mine … I have no say … oh but you can’t keep this momma’s heart from knowing and feeling what is really  the "right” thing, or what is really in the “best interest of the child”, or rather 'not in the best interest'. I’m not saying all of this just because I want to keep her .. because I do, but with our other four littles I knew in my heart that they were going to the right place. Our first little love I knew deep down that she would find herself back in the system again … and that came true. I know God has this under control, I know he doesn’t need my help … and I know that I will never ever understand. So this time around I’m not trying to ‘control’, I’m just asking for peace. Does my heart still ache?? Yes … sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. She was so perfect; it was so easy to add her into our family of three. Josiah was crazy in love with her. He was such an awesome big brother … it just all felt perfect, it felt complete. But this dream, like so many of the other ones, must come to an end. And we will move on ... but for right now there will be a time of sadness and a time where will will mourn the loss of another sweet little love. 

 

 So, why keep doing this over and over again only to keep getting my heart broken each time? Because I have to … each time there is a hope, each time there is a little love who needs all that I can give, each time is an opportunity of another “Josiah”. I would say Alya and I’s journey to become parents has been anything but rainbows and unicorns. It’s been hard. It’s been messy. It’s been full of sorrow. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. But in the end I have grown, I’ve discovered a strength I never knew I had, I’ve loved harder and experienced life in ways no one else ever has. I know beyond a doubt that there are more little loves that will come into our lives … how can I say no to bringing them into our family – even for a short time – when all I have to give is love?

 

It’s not the same as when we lost our Hope … I was in such a different place then than where I am at now. Back then I felt despair. I felt lost, angry and my heart was full of bitterness. I felt betrayed by God and just completely and utterly lost with how I was supposed to think, feel and act. I felt like my heart had been ripped outside of my chest and that there was a hole left that nothing would ever be able to fill or repair. I’ll be honest; there is still a hole there. I don’t think that it will ever be completely mended … I don’t think that when you have loved someone - a child -  so deeply that there will ever be something that will be able to fill it's place. They are my children whether blood or the state say otherwise. I will forever carry them in my heart. We've known for a week now that she would be leaving. And I can't help but feel like I'm preparing for a death. It sounds awful ... but it is kind of like that. So each day we have been loving to the fullest and getting all the snuggles that we can. It's been a really awesome family week ... just the four of us. I'll always cherrish these last few days with her.

 

Tomorrow is our last day as a family of four. We were given the choice to have her and her things picked up from daycare on Monday by a trasporter, or for us to bring her to court. This is so different for us ... last time someone came to our house and took our little love from our arms. This time I'm the one giving her away. Oh, how that breaks my heart ... and how I would just love to run away with her instead. But as a momma, I want to meet the woman that she will be living with. I want to share all the amazing things about this special little girl that has stolen my heart. When you become a mom you choose to do the hard things because you love so much. I'm praying for peace ... I'm praying for a connection ... I'm praying for something bigger than I could ever dream of to happen.