I really can't believe that it's been a year already. It still seems like it all happened yesterday. The pain is still very fresh in my heart, and I will never ever get the picture of my sweet little girls face out of my mind. One year ago today God decided that it was time for our little Hope to leave our home and go back to her birth mother. I remember every detail of that day ... and to this day it still breaks my heart.
We knew that it was a possibility, losing her that is. We knew from the first day that she came to live with us that the goal was to reunify her with her momma. But telling this momma's heart that just doesn't really work. My ultimate goal was to go on being that baby girls momma for the rest of her life. We knew that there had been a court date set for that Friday (the Friday before mother's day) and we also knew that there was a huge possibility that she was going back. But as much as I would have rather held on tight to her for the whole day, life had to go on. So I watched my sweet husband give our precious baby girl a kiss on the forehead goodbye for the very last time and off she went to daycare while we went to work. I got a call later on in the day from her daycare saying that she had a fever and that I needed to come and get her. I rushed her on over to the doctor because I wanted our sweet little one to have some antibiotics in her system if she was going to be leaving us for real. And as we left the doctors office I got the phone call I had always been dreading.... "we need to come pick her up, she's going back." All I wanted to do was RUN! Just go get away with my sweet baby and run far far away. Oh, how was I ever going to give her back? We drove home and I had to pack all of her things up while she napped in her car seat because mom wanted her back right away. (I don't at all blame her for wanting her right then and there ... I would want the same thing if I were in her position, but oh how hard those last couple of hours were for me packing "things" instead of being able to just hold her in my arms for one more minute.) I remember sitting on the couch cuddling with her while we waited for her caseworker to come. I sat there trying, but unable to hold back the tears as I I prayed over her little soul. I just remember how confused she looked just laying there cuddled up in my arms looking into my eyes. I will always hold those last few minutes in my heart. We cuddled until we heard the doorbell ring announcing the arrival of the caseworker coming to take my sweet girl away from me. I gave her one final hug and kiss and then they took her out of my arms forever. After I shut the door I just dropped down to the ground and sobbed. Oh, how I cried for my little girl. The thing that was the hardest was that I had to do all of this by myself. My husband had to work really late that night and I never felt more alone in all my life. I felt like I lost the ability to breathe and that someone had literally come and taken my whole heart out of my chest and ran away with it. I had some really sweet friends that were really there for me on that day. *Thanks Sarah for renting chick flicks with me and not judging me while I fell to pieces.*
On that day my whole life fell to pieces ... and I allowed that to happen. I was a complete mess for many many months to come and it was all because I allowed bitterness towards God to move into my heart instead of clinging to Him for peace and comfort. I have come a million miles from where I was a year ago today. It has sucked I'm not going to lie. But if someone would ask me if I could take it all away turn back time and never had fostered I would never agree to it. You see that precious little soul that we were so blessed to have come into our hearts changed my life forever! Right then and there God proved to me that I didn't have to birth my own babies to love them as my own. He gave me sooooooooo much love for that sweet baby girl and my life will now never be the same again. There really are NO words that can describe a mother's anguish when she losses her child. I know that I was not Hope's birth mother, but I was still her momma. She just had more than one to love her. I pray every day for that little girl ... I will never ever stop loving her as my daughter. I just pray that she is in a safe place and that God is working in her other momma's life. And I pray with all my heart that her other momma loves her even more than I could ever love Hope because that little girl deserves it!
So today is a day full of memories. Sweet memories that bring tears to my eyes because I miss those moments with my baby girl. Memories that will forever be etched in my heart ... memories of the joy and real hope that she brought into our lives.
So, if you think about it ... could you just lift me up in prayer this weekend? This is a hard weekend for me (being the 1 year anniversary and also Mother's Day weekend) and I just really want to make sure that I am focusing on God and all that He still has in store for us to come. I love to think back to all the precious times we had with Hope, but I want to celebrate in the fact that her other momma is doing better and that we are on the road to lovin more babies. Just pray for peace ... thanks blog buddies :0)
praying for you
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