Here are the questions that I just emailed our agency ... if you think of anything else that I should ask please leave a comment and I'll add it to the list. Thanks!
1. When does the birth mother plan on telling her parents that she is giving her baby up for adoption? Does she think that there will be a problem when she tells them? Do the grandparents have any rights towards the baby?
2. Is the birth mom really serious about giving her baby up? Or is she just entertaining the idea?
** just trying to prepare our hearts ... **
3. Does she know who the birth father is? Is he AA too? If she does not know the birth father what does that mean for us?
4. Are there any family medical issues (both mom & dad's side)
5. When the baby is born what happens? Are we notified? Do we get to meet her then ... or do we have to wait for the baby to be discharged from the hospital?
6. Does the birth mother want to meet us? Does she want this to be a closed adoption/or does she want updates on the baby etc.?
7. When we take the baby home does that mean that the parents right are terminated? Is there any way of us possibly losing the baby after we have already brought her home?
8. Was there any alcohol or substance abuse during the pregnancy?
9. Could we lose any of our money once payed to the agency if the adoption does not go through as planned?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
When I Am Afraid ...
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. - Psalm 56:3
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. - Psalm 62:8
That's really the only choice I have right now ... to trust ... I refuse to go back where I was at the beginning of this journey. And so I'm just being real with Him ... I can't hide being scared of a broken heart again. I can't hide being anxious about not knowing how this is all going to work out. I can't hide the deepest parts of my heart ... but I can still choose to TRUST Him in the midst of all those things. I can choose to walk forward knowing that he is painting one of the most beautiful pictures in my life ... and I just don't want to get in the way of that.
I'll be sending out a list of questions about this particular match to our agency later this evening. Hopefully I will hear something back towards the beginning of the week. Praying for this b-momma right now ... I can't even imagine the battle going on in her heart right now. If you would ... could you pray for her too? Just pray for God to hold her and give her peace about whatever decision she is going to make. Pray that she allows God to guide her every step of the way. Pray that God provides someone to walk with her through this journey that won't judge her, but that would love her and speak truth into her life.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. - Psalm 62:8
That's really the only choice I have right now ... to trust ... I refuse to go back where I was at the beginning of this journey. And so I'm just being real with Him ... I can't hide being scared of a broken heart again. I can't hide being anxious about not knowing how this is all going to work out. I can't hide the deepest parts of my heart ... but I can still choose to TRUST Him in the midst of all those things. I can choose to walk forward knowing that he is painting one of the most beautiful pictures in my life ... and I just don't want to get in the way of that.
I'll be sending out a list of questions about this particular match to our agency later this evening. Hopefully I will hear something back towards the beginning of the week. Praying for this b-momma right now ... I can't even imagine the battle going on in her heart right now. If you would ... could you pray for her too? Just pray for God to hold her and give her peace about whatever decision she is going to make. Pray that she allows God to guide her every step of the way. Pray that God provides someone to walk with her through this journey that won't judge her, but that would love her and speak truth into her life.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Don't Forget
Please don't forget that we are still selling fundraiser t-shirts over on adoptionbug.com to help bring baby Amiah home. :0)
Wrestling
There's a battle going on between my mind and my heart right now.
My mind is telling me not to give in ... my mind is telling me not to get my hopes up, because my heart is going to get broken like all the other times.
My heart is falling in love already. My heart is telling me I don't have to hold my breath anymore ... it's saying that it's time to take a huge sigh of relief. My heart is ready to finally hold that little girl in my arms...
We've been in a constant stage of waiting for the last three years. But each stage is so very different than the next ... I think this stage may just be the hardest. The stage where you know that you know that you are so so so close to reaching the end ... but it's also the stage where in a flash it could all be taken away and leave you standing back at square one all over again.
And to be honest I'm scared.
Last night a dear friend of mine invited me to go to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with her. I haven't ever really been a huge fan of his ... but I love his family's story and the way that God has worked through their lives. It was a really great evening and I'm super glad that I got to be there.
I think that one of the most powerful things that really hit my heart last night was at the very beginning of the night when SCC's son Caleb was sharing what God had revealed to him while learning how to heal after his little sisters death. He said that he thought when we were in the very darkest of times in our lives that it was like looking at this massive canvas ... it was supposed to be this really beautiful picture only you were standing too close, almost touching it with your nose where everything on the canvas appeared blurry. There was no way to make out what the picture was supposed to be. There was no way to understand what you were looking at. Nothing made sense. But then as time went by you took a small step backwards ... and you started to see little glimpses of what had been painted on the canvas. There were hints of beauty poking through and things started to become a little clearer ... but there was just no way to get far enough back to make it all make sense.
When those dark moments creep into our lives and we just can't seem to find God in any part of it is when we are looking too closely at the canvas. Everything is blurry and nothing makes sense. But as time goes by ... our hearts heal a little bit and we are able to see little glimpses of God directing all the pieces of our life to fit back together again. We are able to see God at work ... but nothing will ever be fully clear on this side of heaven. We won't completely understand why we've had to walk through these dark moments in our lives until we are with Him.
I've lived through the darkest times in my life while on this path of parenthood. I've come to points where I wanted to give up. There were times when I completely lost all hope in God. There were days where I didn't think I had the energy to pick up and go on living my life. There were times when I didn't know if my marriage would last. There were moments where I didn't know if I would even last. There were moments where I wondered if the tears would ever dry up or if my heart would ever stop aching ... But I never gave up ... and as each day has gone by it has gotten a little bit easier to see pieces of Him at work. Each day I have grown in my faith and hope that He really is creating something beautiful out of all the ashes we've walked through over the past three years. I will never really be able to see the picture clearly on this side of heaven ... but one day ... one day I will understand how beautiful the work He has created in my life will be. Until that time I just have to continue to trust in Him ... trust that He is good and faithful.
As the night went on SCC sang the song that goes "It's all yours God" ... and even though I know that everything is HIS ... it's still hard not to try and make it mine sometimes. It's hard to give up something that is so intertwined with your heart completely over. But it really is all HIS. This adoption is not Alya and I's ... this little girl is not mine ... she is HIS. All that I am doing is begging HIM to choose ME to love her.
I guess I'm just asking for lots and lots of prayer. I want sooooo badly to be so excited. But since this match might not be the real deal ... I'm sooooo scared. Yes, I am a strong woman ... this journey has proven that to me. But my heart is very fragile and I'm so afraid of it shattering again.
I found this verse on a friends facebook status:
"....Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5 : 36
I'm holding on to that verse with everything I have within me right now.
My mind is telling me not to give in ... my mind is telling me not to get my hopes up, because my heart is going to get broken like all the other times.
My heart is falling in love already. My heart is telling me I don't have to hold my breath anymore ... it's saying that it's time to take a huge sigh of relief. My heart is ready to finally hold that little girl in my arms...
We've been in a constant stage of waiting for the last three years. But each stage is so very different than the next ... I think this stage may just be the hardest. The stage where you know that you know that you are so so so close to reaching the end ... but it's also the stage where in a flash it could all be taken away and leave you standing back at square one all over again.
And to be honest I'm scared.
Last night a dear friend of mine invited me to go to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with her. I haven't ever really been a huge fan of his ... but I love his family's story and the way that God has worked through their lives. It was a really great evening and I'm super glad that I got to be there.
I think that one of the most powerful things that really hit my heart last night was at the very beginning of the night when SCC's son Caleb was sharing what God had revealed to him while learning how to heal after his little sisters death. He said that he thought when we were in the very darkest of times in our lives that it was like looking at this massive canvas ... it was supposed to be this really beautiful picture only you were standing too close, almost touching it with your nose where everything on the canvas appeared blurry. There was no way to make out what the picture was supposed to be. There was no way to understand what you were looking at. Nothing made sense. But then as time went by you took a small step backwards ... and you started to see little glimpses of what had been painted on the canvas. There were hints of beauty poking through and things started to become a little clearer ... but there was just no way to get far enough back to make it all make sense.
When those dark moments creep into our lives and we just can't seem to find God in any part of it is when we are looking too closely at the canvas. Everything is blurry and nothing makes sense. But as time goes by ... our hearts heal a little bit and we are able to see little glimpses of God directing all the pieces of our life to fit back together again. We are able to see God at work ... but nothing will ever be fully clear on this side of heaven. We won't completely understand why we've had to walk through these dark moments in our lives until we are with Him.
I've lived through the darkest times in my life while on this path of parenthood. I've come to points where I wanted to give up. There were times when I completely lost all hope in God. There were days where I didn't think I had the energy to pick up and go on living my life. There were times when I didn't know if my marriage would last. There were moments where I didn't know if I would even last. There were moments where I wondered if the tears would ever dry up or if my heart would ever stop aching ... But I never gave up ... and as each day has gone by it has gotten a little bit easier to see pieces of Him at work. Each day I have grown in my faith and hope that He really is creating something beautiful out of all the ashes we've walked through over the past three years. I will never really be able to see the picture clearly on this side of heaven ... but one day ... one day I will understand how beautiful the work He has created in my life will be. Until that time I just have to continue to trust in Him ... trust that He is good and faithful.
As the night went on SCC sang the song that goes "It's all yours God" ... and even though I know that everything is HIS ... it's still hard not to try and make it mine sometimes. It's hard to give up something that is so intertwined with your heart completely over. But it really is all HIS. This adoption is not Alya and I's ... this little girl is not mine ... she is HIS. All that I am doing is begging HIM to choose ME to love her.
I guess I'm just asking for lots and lots of prayer. I want sooooo badly to be so excited. But since this match might not be the real deal ... I'm sooooo scared. Yes, I am a strong woman ... this journey has proven that to me. But my heart is very fragile and I'm so afraid of it shattering again.
I found this verse on a friends facebook status:
"....Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5 : 36
I'm holding on to that verse with everything I have within me right now.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I Need Your Help ...
First I want to thank everyone for the sweet comments and continued prayers that were left on my last post. It was nice to see some of my blog lurkers come out of hiding :0)
I thought that I would post a blog asking for some of you to help me come up with questions that I should ask our agency about this particular birthmother match. When I was on the phone with our agency yesterday my brain totally went out the window and I didn't ask much of anything.
This is all that I know so far ...
1. baby is a an AA girl
2. mom is 21
3. mom has done all her pre-natal care and baby is healthy
4. mom is due Dec. 1 but is expected to give birth in the next 2-3 weeks.
5. mom has not told her parents about the adoption.
And that's literally all that I know ... and I want to know so much more but I don't even know where I should start with asking questions so here's where you come in ...
I want to get a list of questions together and send an email out to our agency over the weekend. So ... what kind of questions would you want to ask????? Come on blog lurkers I want to hear from you too. Seriously .... I need your help! :0)
I thought that I would post a blog asking for some of you to help me come up with questions that I should ask our agency about this particular birthmother match. When I was on the phone with our agency yesterday my brain totally went out the window and I didn't ask much of anything.
This is all that I know so far ...
1. baby is a an AA girl
2. mom is 21
3. mom has done all her pre-natal care and baby is healthy
4. mom is due Dec. 1 but is expected to give birth in the next 2-3 weeks.
5. mom has not told her parents about the adoption.
And that's literally all that I know ... and I want to know so much more but I don't even know where I should start with asking questions so here's where you come in ...
I want to get a list of questions together and send an email out to our agency over the weekend. So ... what kind of questions would you want to ask????? Come on blog lurkers I want to hear from you too. Seriously .... I need your help! :0)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Am I Glowing??
We got another call.
Annnnnnnd.
We were matched with a birthmother!
Remember how I just wrote in this post last night how I was kind of relieved that we didn't get matched with the birth momma due in December because I was freaking out about how we wouldn't have the money raised by then???
Yup ... that's the same one that we were matched with today. I was on the playground at recess when I got the call.
Here's the deal ... the birth mother hasn't told her own parents that she is giving her baby up for adoption. So even though she has chosen us as the adoptive parents ... anything can go down at the hospital after she delivers. We don't know if the birthmothers parents will try to make her change her mind about giving her baby up for adoption. She is due December 1st ... but is already 2cm dilated and they are thinking that she'll deliver within two to three weeks. It's so hard not to get one million percent excited about this ... but we have to kind of guard our hearts in case she changes her mind. It's going to be hard having to wait until the day of her delivery to know if she's really going to go through with it or not. So please please please just be praying for this situation.
As far as the finances go ... we got some EXTREMELY good news about that as well! Come to find out that we only need $4,000 when the baby is born ... another $4,800 3-6months later, and then the last $4,800 about a year after the adoption. That is totally doable! Why can't all adoption agencies be set up like this??
So ... today was the day ... the day that we recieved the news that could possibly change our lives forever. :0)
Annnnnnnd.
We were matched with a birthmother!
Remember how I just wrote in this post last night how I was kind of relieved that we didn't get matched with the birth momma due in December because I was freaking out about how we wouldn't have the money raised by then???
Yup ... that's the same one that we were matched with today. I was on the playground at recess when I got the call.
Here's the deal ... the birth mother hasn't told her own parents that she is giving her baby up for adoption. So even though she has chosen us as the adoptive parents ... anything can go down at the hospital after she delivers. We don't know if the birthmothers parents will try to make her change her mind about giving her baby up for adoption. She is due December 1st ... but is already 2cm dilated and they are thinking that she'll deliver within two to three weeks. It's so hard not to get one million percent excited about this ... but we have to kind of guard our hearts in case she changes her mind. It's going to be hard having to wait until the day of her delivery to know if she's really going to go through with it or not. So please please please just be praying for this situation.
As far as the finances go ... we got some EXTREMELY good news about that as well! Come to find out that we only need $4,000 when the baby is born ... another $4,800 3-6months later, and then the last $4,800 about a year after the adoption. That is totally doable! Why can't all adoption agencies be set up like this??
So ... today was the day ... the day that we recieved the news that could possibly change our lives forever. :0)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
An Update
We got an email back from our agency this evening about current birthmothers that they are working with ...
The one mother that was looking at our profile decided to go with another couple. I only know this because her information was highlighted in blue meaning she has already been matched with adoptive parents.
That's totally cool.
Honestly, as much as I want to have that baby in my arms right this very second ... the thought of how in the world we were going to come up with the money by the end of December had me stressing a bit.
I really appreciate all the comments of encouragement and prayer that were sent our way after my last post. We really don't want to get a loan for this adoption. Not that I think that it's a bad thing or that nobody else should use a loan to adopt ... it's just something that Alya and I committed at the very beginning of this journey not to do and we want to stick to it. We do have 4 grants that have been sent out and we are praying that we would hear something back from them by January or February. We also have a huge golf tournament planned for Martin Luther King Day. So ... we do have things in the works ... and I really believe that we will have everything come together by January or February for us to be able to say yes to a child. It's just we aren't there yet ... and saying no is suuuuper hard! So I'm thankful that the 2nd birthmother that was looking at our profile chose someone else so that we wouldn't have to struggle with whether or not to say yes or no right now.
The other birth mothers that they are working with don't really match up with us. (as far as the type of adoptive parents the birthmothers are looking for) So .... we continue to wait for "the one".
I know things will happen. And I can't hardly wait for that day!
The one mother that was looking at our profile decided to go with another couple. I only know this because her information was highlighted in blue meaning she has already been matched with adoptive parents.
That's totally cool.
Honestly, as much as I want to have that baby in my arms right this very second ... the thought of how in the world we were going to come up with the money by the end of December had me stressing a bit.
I really appreciate all the comments of encouragement and prayer that were sent our way after my last post. We really don't want to get a loan for this adoption. Not that I think that it's a bad thing or that nobody else should use a loan to adopt ... it's just something that Alya and I committed at the very beginning of this journey not to do and we want to stick to it. We do have 4 grants that have been sent out and we are praying that we would hear something back from them by January or February. We also have a huge golf tournament planned for Martin Luther King Day. So ... we do have things in the works ... and I really believe that we will have everything come together by January or February for us to be able to say yes to a child. It's just we aren't there yet ... and saying no is suuuuper hard! So I'm thankful that the 2nd birthmother that was looking at our profile chose someone else so that we wouldn't have to struggle with whether or not to say yes or no right now.
The other birth mothers that they are working with don't really match up with us. (as far as the type of adoptive parents the birthmothers are looking for) So .... we continue to wait for "the one".
I know things will happen. And I can't hardly wait for that day!
Monday, October 25, 2010
A Call ...
Not the call.
This time.
But a call. One that ended in a "no"
This sucks. I'm getting super sick of having to say no.
The call wasn't from the agency we are currently working with. It was a call from the agency that did our homestudy update. A birth mother called their office today saying that she was interested in giving her baby up for adoption. She is due December 30th. She's having an AA baby girl. All medical stuff is good ... mom is 23 and already has a 3 yr old little girl. She lives with her mother and just can't financially afford to support a second child right now. This particular agency's fees are $15,000 but don't include legal or birth mother fees. So our total cost would be around $22,000. We don't have that ... not even remotely close. So we had to say no.
Bummer.
I really am 100% confident in knowing that God is going to provide... in HIS own time.
I know that ... promise I do.
But try telling my heart not to hurt just a bit when I have to say no.
Yes, a few tears were shed. This isn't the first time I've had to say no ... honestly it's probably been a half dozen times. But it's not something that gets any easier.
I KNOW we are so close. I KNOW it's going to happen. But getting phone calls like this ... ones that steal a little piece of my hopeful heart ... well they sting a little bit.
Soon ... I won't have to say "no" ... I just have to keep reminding my heart of that.
soon ...
This time.
But a call. One that ended in a "no"
This sucks. I'm getting super sick of having to say no.
The call wasn't from the agency we are currently working with. It was a call from the agency that did our homestudy update. A birth mother called their office today saying that she was interested in giving her baby up for adoption. She is due December 30th. She's having an AA baby girl. All medical stuff is good ... mom is 23 and already has a 3 yr old little girl. She lives with her mother and just can't financially afford to support a second child right now. This particular agency's fees are $15,000 but don't include legal or birth mother fees. So our total cost would be around $22,000. We don't have that ... not even remotely close. So we had to say no.
Bummer.
I really am 100% confident in knowing that God is going to provide... in HIS own time.
I know that ... promise I do.
But try telling my heart not to hurt just a bit when I have to say no.
Yes, a few tears were shed. This isn't the first time I've had to say no ... honestly it's probably been a half dozen times. But it's not something that gets any easier.
I KNOW we are so close. I KNOW it's going to happen. But getting phone calls like this ... ones that steal a little piece of my hopeful heart ... well they sting a little bit.
Soon ... I won't have to say "no" ... I just have to keep reminding my heart of that.
soon ...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
We Got The ....
We got the first email today from our adoption agency saying that our profile had been shown to a birth mother. Apparently it was shown ONE MONTH AGO lol and the birth mother is supposed to choose the adoptive parents for her baby next week! I know nothing about this particular child ... except that it's due December 1st. Our agency said that a lot of adoptive couples don't want to know if their profile is looked at unless it is chosen. But I let her know that I would like to know every time! lol ... just more prayers can go up that way! :0)
CRAZY!
So ... being real here ... I can't help but feel SUPER excited ... but totally freaked out all at the same time lol. I'm not really getting my hopes up (because we've already been through calls like this a million times) but the thing that I'm freaked out about is that we don't have all of our money raised yet. And that is the very reason why we have had to say no to other phone calls about potential matches. It bums me out soooo much to say no. Just pray for us friends ... I'm just praying that if this isn't the baby for us that doors would be immediately closed. And if it is .... that the money tree someone has in their back yard will start dropping some of its leaves in our adoption fund lol.
Exciting news ... just means that we are getting even closer! What's funny is that the last post that I wrote just last night was about our babies birth mother ... funny how I wrote that because I couldn't sleep and was up at 1am on a school night. Guess my heart was heavy for a reason.
sigh .... :0)
CRAZY!
So ... being real here ... I can't help but feel SUPER excited ... but totally freaked out all at the same time lol. I'm not really getting my hopes up (because we've already been through calls like this a million times) but the thing that I'm freaked out about is that we don't have all of our money raised yet. And that is the very reason why we have had to say no to other phone calls about potential matches. It bums me out soooo much to say no. Just pray for us friends ... I'm just praying that if this isn't the baby for us that doors would be immediately closed. And if it is .... that the money tree someone has in their back yard will start dropping some of its leaves in our adoption fund lol.
Exciting news ... just means that we are getting even closer! What's funny is that the last post that I wrote just last night was about our babies birth mother ... funny how I wrote that because I couldn't sleep and was up at 1am on a school night. Guess my heart was heavy for a reason.
sigh .... :0)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
You'll Never Know
Today was a sad day for me.
The special little man God brought into my life that I mentioned in this post is now gone. There was no warning ... no goodbyes ... just gone.
We had finally started getting somewhere. We had finally gotten to a point where every second of the day wasn't a constant battle. We had finally gotten to the point where he started to trust.
And now it's over.
I wasn't ready for it to be over yet.
But apparently God has a different plan; one that I don't understand.
I'm just praying that God brings someone else into his little life that loves him as much as I did.
I pray that I did everything I could. I pray I loved enough ... I pray that he felt that love. I pray that he knew someone really cared about him and that he wasn't all alone. I pray that he's safe tonight. I pray for a full tummy and a warm place to sleep. I pray for God to use his little life in crazy ways.
Today was yet another reminder to live each day as your last. You'll never know the impact that you have had in someones life. I pray I've made a good one in his.
The special little man God brought into my life that I mentioned in this post is now gone. There was no warning ... no goodbyes ... just gone.
We had finally started getting somewhere. We had finally gotten to a point where every second of the day wasn't a constant battle. We had finally gotten to the point where he started to trust.
And now it's over.
I wasn't ready for it to be over yet.
But apparently God has a different plan; one that I don't understand.
I'm just praying that God brings someone else into his little life that loves him as much as I did.
I pray that I did everything I could. I pray I loved enough ... I pray that he felt that love. I pray that he knew someone really cared about him and that he wasn't all alone. I pray that he's safe tonight. I pray for a full tummy and a warm place to sleep. I pray for God to use his little life in crazy ways.
Today was yet another reminder to live each day as your last. You'll never know the impact that you have had in someones life. I pray I've made a good one in his.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Words ....
I have something that is lying heavy on my heart right now .... something that I really want to blog about. But ... the words just aren't coming. There just doesn't seem to be enough adequate words to describe the feelings I have right now... or at least I just haven't found them yet. So, I'm praying for the words to be found. Praying for my heart to be allowed to speak.
Until then ...
We were crafty today. :0)
And we added a little something extra into the nursery.
For our little Amiah Grace .... can't wait to bring her home!
Until then ...
We were crafty today. :0)
And we added a little something extra into the nursery.
For our little Amiah Grace .... can't wait to bring her home!
Will She Ever Know?
A lot of people I know have really gotten into the shows "16 And Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" ... I have to say that I really have never become a fan mostly because I just couldn't really trust my heart to watch any of the shows. It's hard being a 27 year old woman who has always desperately wanted to have her own children watch a super young girl be able to experience the amazing gift of pregnancy. Although I have accepted that we may never have children of our own ... a piece of my heart will always desire that experience. So because a piece of my heart will always belong to that dream, seeing young girls live out my dream will always be a little bit hard. I had my first experience watching "16 And Pregnant" last year when one of my friends told me to watch a particular episode online. It was an episode with one particular couple named Catelynn & Tyler who realized that they weren't ready to parent and decided to give their baby up for adoption. I remember Alya and I laying in bed watching the episode from my computer screen. I was literally bawling like a baby ... their situation was just so close to what our reality is right now just coming from the other side of the spectrum. So fast forward a year ... now they are on a new show called "Teen Mom" and I just so happened to catch another episode this afternoon where they were having their one year visit with the adoptive parents and their baby girl. OMG! Here I go bawling my eyes out again .... I didn't really write this post to promote this TV show ... I'm writing this post because while I was watching that episode today I really started thinking about our babies birth mother. Catelynn and Tyler had a really great and open relationship with the adoptive parents of their little girl. I really admire how mature they have been throughout all the episodes that I have watched. I admire how much love they had for their little girl. Most of all I admire their courage.
I just can't stop thinking about our babies birth mother. Wondering what type of relationship we will have with her. Everyone has so many different stories with the type of relationship they have with the birth mothers of their adopted babies.... These are the questions that float through my mind on a day to day basis.
Will she ever know how much she will change our lives?
Will we ever be able to share how thankful we are?
Will she regret her decision?
Will my joy be her pain?
Will I be able to hug her?
Will I be able to cry tears of joy and loss with her?
How will I ever be able to thank her enough?
Will she feel loved?
Will she feel peace?
Will we be able to share this journey together or apart?
Will I even get to meet her?
How will I EVER be able to share how thankful I am for her gift to me?
I would have to say that so far the hardest part of this whole adoption process *besides all the waiting* was the letter I had to write to our birth mother. The letter I had to write to a woman carrying our child that I had not yet even met. Sometimes there just aren't any words to express what's going on in your heart. I pray that she finds peace in her decision. I will be forever grateful for her unselfishness. I can't even imagine what her heart is going through right now. I am so thankful for this woman I have never met. I really pray that we will be able to meet each other soon. I pray that God gives us the opportunity as mothers of a sweet little miracle to share our hearts with each other.
I just can't stop thinking about our babies birth mother. Wondering what type of relationship we will have with her. Everyone has so many different stories with the type of relationship they have with the birth mothers of their adopted babies.... These are the questions that float through my mind on a day to day basis.
Will she ever know how much she will change our lives?
Will we ever be able to share how thankful we are?
Will she regret her decision?
Will my joy be her pain?
Will I be able to hug her?
Will I be able to cry tears of joy and loss with her?
How will I ever be able to thank her enough?
Will she feel loved?
Will she feel peace?
Will we be able to share this journey together or apart?
Will I even get to meet her?
How will I EVER be able to share how thankful I am for her gift to me?
I would have to say that so far the hardest part of this whole adoption process *besides all the waiting* was the letter I had to write to our birth mother. The letter I had to write to a woman carrying our child that I had not yet even met. Sometimes there just aren't any words to express what's going on in your heart. I pray that she finds peace in her decision. I will be forever grateful for her unselfishness. I can't even imagine what her heart is going through right now. I am so thankful for this woman I have never met. I really pray that we will be able to meet each other soon. I pray that God gives us the opportunity as mothers of a sweet little miracle to share our hearts with each other.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Show Hope And The Wait
I was finally able to get together the rest of the paper work that we needed to send in for our Show Hope adoption grant this afternoon. Alya and I dropped it off at the post office right before closing time .... so it's off! We now have all four of our adoption grants mailed and are now just waiting to hear back from them. As far as the time frame goes of hearing back from these ministries it really could be any length of time. I know that Show Hope says that they need a minimum of 120 days to review our application. Another grant we applied to is only given out in December. The other two didn't give a specific time frame. So ... we just sit back and do what we do best ... WAIT! We've been playing the waiting game for the last 3 1/2 years so whats a little more waiting time right?? All we can really do is just trust that God's got all the finances taken care of and that it will all come from some where.
Still waiting on hearing the official word from our case worker to see if she has received the paperwork I mailed off to her the other day. I'm hoping once she receives the rest of the documents that she needs for our file we will get more information as to what to expect next.
I am so super glad that it is the weekend. I actually had a surprisingly really good week ... but I am still thankful for a fall-like weather weekend to just relax and be refreshed for another work week with my kiddies.
Still waiting on hearing the official word from our case worker to see if she has received the paperwork I mailed off to her the other day. I'm hoping once she receives the rest of the documents that she needs for our file we will get more information as to what to expect next.
I am so super glad that it is the weekend. I actually had a surprisingly really good week ... but I am still thankful for a fall-like weather weekend to just relax and be refreshed for another work week with my kiddies.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Last Of The Paperwork???
Well ... I mailed off *hopefully* our last envelope of paper work today. It had over 50 pages of documents in it. {disclaimer: we may have killed a few trees during this adoption process lol}
We could now get the call any day. {That's so crazy!}
And .... the wait continues :0)
We could now get the call any day. {That's so crazy!}
And .... the wait continues :0)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sometimes ...
Sometimes I still get jealous of how easy it is for some people.
No, I wouldn't change this journey for anything.
And I still feel blessed that we have been chosen for this crazy adventure.
But, sometimes ... it would be nice to not have to fight so hard.
Sometimes it would be nice to be given a CRAZY AMAZING blessing without even having to try.
But sometimes that doesn't happen ... and that's the place we are in right now.
And it's still a blessing. But it's still hard.
I want this more than anything ... but some days the waiting is painful.
I'm ready for the day where I cry more happy tears than painful ones.
I know that day is coming soon ... so soon ...
But sometimes I need to just be real with how I'm feeling.
And in this second of time,
my arms are aching ... and I just want to hold my baby tight.
I've learned that sometimes the waiting is hard.
And sometimes the waiting is painful.
That sometimes in the waiting tears are shed.
But in the end God is Always glorified.
And another orphan will find a home.
Until then ... sometimes it might be hard ...
but I'll continue to hang on to the hope.
And I'll continue to hang onto the faith that my Father knows my heart.
No, I wouldn't change this journey for anything.
And I still feel blessed that we have been chosen for this crazy adventure.
But, sometimes ... it would be nice to not have to fight so hard.
Sometimes it would be nice to be given a CRAZY AMAZING blessing without even having to try.
But sometimes that doesn't happen ... and that's the place we are in right now.
And it's still a blessing. But it's still hard.
I want this more than anything ... but some days the waiting is painful.
I'm ready for the day where I cry more happy tears than painful ones.
I know that day is coming soon ... so soon ...
But sometimes I need to just be real with how I'm feeling.
And in this second of time,
my arms are aching ... and I just want to hold my baby tight.
I've learned that sometimes the waiting is hard.
And sometimes the waiting is painful.
That sometimes in the waiting tears are shed.
But in the end God is Always glorified.
And another orphan will find a home.
Until then ... sometimes it might be hard ...
but I'll continue to hang on to the hope.
And I'll continue to hang onto the faith that my Father knows my heart.
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Weekend Is Finally Here!
I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am that the weekend has finally arrived! It's been SUCH a long week! I was able to finish up all of my planning for next week at school today so I didn't have to bring home ANY work to do over the weekend! Go me! So I am planning on enjoying every last second of my weekend!
We got a little bit of disappointing news this evening... We've had two hits on one of the guitars that I posted on facebook last week. The one guy emailed me like four times and seemed pretty interested and then I never heard back from him again. No biggie ... but then just yesterday I got another email from a guy who wanted to come meet up to actually buy it. I had Alya call him and set up a time ... 6:00 this evening. We were so excited to be able to sell one of the donated items that we were given. I emailed the guy earlier this evening because I wanted him to know that we had several other items for sale as well that he might like to go along with the guitar he was interested in. I got an email back from the guy right at 6:00 saying that he wasn't going to be coming that he had found a few other Taylor's that were selling for a cheaper price. So ... we lost our buyer. I am sure that someone else will come along later ... I was just bummed that we waited around on a Friday evening for this guy to show up only to find out that he wasn't really going to come.
So instead of going out for the evening we are just relaxing at home. Relaxing in comfy over sized sweats and a hoodie sounds like my kind of night! lol We rented a movie from the Redbox (ummm hi, first off why did it take so long to come up with a little box thing that shoots out pretty decent (sometimes) movies for only $1? ... just sayin) and are just going to enjoy a night in. I've got my pumpkin spice candles lit and it's smelling like Fall in my house. How much more of an perfect night could it be?
Our Saturday is going to be a pretty busy day. We have a baptism to go to for a sweet little adopted miracle angel and then on to a Fall party. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fall. I especially miss the fall up north (everything is better up there lol). I just miss it so much ... the beauty of the trees changing. The hayrides and REAL pumpkin patches. The bonfires when it's not 90 degrees outside. Just the cripness of the air as fall announces it's arrival. sigh ... I miss home. I miss Ohio. But I'm going to pretend that it's an Ohio fall down here tmw night and have some great fellowship time with old friends ... and maybe make a few more new friends along the way. I'll try to remember to take some pictures to add to my next post.
Happy Fall ya'll :0) (thats as southern as I'm going to get lol)
Oh! I never did post that a couple of weeks ago Alya and I went camping on the beach. It was really beautiful ... I love love love the beach at night. He woke me up super early to watch the sunrise. Now ... I'm not your morning type of person ... at all! lol so I will admit that I was a little bit cranky, but I will also admit that the sunrise was absoutely stunning! I wanted to share some pictures with you of that morning.
(Buddy is rediculous ... he's a black lab and is TERRIFIED of the beach. What a dummy. lol I've alllllways wanted a dog so that I could take them to the beach and let them jump in the waves. I would get the one dog that would rather choke himself to death to get as far away from the water as possible than to have fun jumping waves.)
We got a little bit of disappointing news this evening... We've had two hits on one of the guitars that I posted on facebook last week. The one guy emailed me like four times and seemed pretty interested and then I never heard back from him again. No biggie ... but then just yesterday I got another email from a guy who wanted to come meet up to actually buy it. I had Alya call him and set up a time ... 6:00 this evening. We were so excited to be able to sell one of the donated items that we were given. I emailed the guy earlier this evening because I wanted him to know that we had several other items for sale as well that he might like to go along with the guitar he was interested in. I got an email back from the guy right at 6:00 saying that he wasn't going to be coming that he had found a few other Taylor's that were selling for a cheaper price. So ... we lost our buyer. I am sure that someone else will come along later ... I was just bummed that we waited around on a Friday evening for this guy to show up only to find out that he wasn't really going to come.
So instead of going out for the evening we are just relaxing at home. Relaxing in comfy over sized sweats and a hoodie sounds like my kind of night! lol We rented a movie from the Redbox (ummm hi, first off why did it take so long to come up with a little box thing that shoots out pretty decent (sometimes) movies for only $1? ... just sayin) and are just going to enjoy a night in. I've got my pumpkin spice candles lit and it's smelling like Fall in my house. How much more of an perfect night could it be?
Our Saturday is going to be a pretty busy day. We have a baptism to go to for a sweet little adopted miracle angel and then on to a Fall party. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fall. I especially miss the fall up north (everything is better up there lol). I just miss it so much ... the beauty of the trees changing. The hayrides and REAL pumpkin patches. The bonfires when it's not 90 degrees outside. Just the cripness of the air as fall announces it's arrival. sigh ... I miss home. I miss Ohio. But I'm going to pretend that it's an Ohio fall down here tmw night and have some great fellowship time with old friends ... and maybe make a few more new friends along the way. I'll try to remember to take some pictures to add to my next post.
Happy Fall ya'll :0) (thats as southern as I'm going to get lol)
Oh! I never did post that a couple of weeks ago Alya and I went camping on the beach. It was really beautiful ... I love love love the beach at night. He woke me up super early to watch the sunrise. Now ... I'm not your morning type of person ... at all! lol so I will admit that I was a little bit cranky, but I will also admit that the sunrise was absoutely stunning! I wanted to share some pictures with you of that morning.
(Buddy is rediculous ... he's a black lab and is TERRIFIED of the beach. What a dummy. lol I've alllllways wanted a dog so that I could take them to the beach and let them jump in the waves. I would get the one dog that would rather choke himself to death to get as far away from the water as possible than to have fun jumping waves.)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Paperwork, Paperwork, Paperwork!
I feel like I'm about to go cross-eyed with all the paperwork that I have been filling out over the last few months. Honestly more like the past two years, with first all the foster care stuff we had to complete, then the homestudy update and now onto our real adoption agency. I just mailed out a copy of our homestudy update to Catholic Charities last Friday. We had to fax in a release form for them to get some other documents that they needed from the agency who did our update. We just got an email on Wednesday night with 20 more documents that they needed completed! 20 more! sigh .... so I sat down right then and there and completed EVERY dang blank line there was to fill out before my procrastination set it. I went to work today only to find another email with two more items that we need to fill out and have notarized. I'm hoping to get those completed in the morning so that I can mail off this crazy package of documents to our agency tomorrow. The frustrating part is that they are wanting copies of the EXACT same papers that we had to give to the agency that did our homestudy update so I don't really understand why they can't just get copies from them ... but they can't .... so I had to go digging into our files for all of the documents again. Can I just say that I AM SO READY FOR THE PAPERWORK STAGE TO BE OVER!?!? I told Alya last week after having to fax in 2 documents and paying $8 for it that we probably should have invested in a fax machine that the beginning of this adoption journey lol. We have spent more money faxing things than I care to even think about! So for all of you who are at the beginning stages of adopting I strongly encourage looking into purchasing a cheap fax machine lol.
We are currently partnering up with another organization at our church to host a golf tournament in January to help raise some money for our adoption. I'm super excited about the amazing things that could come from this event .... even though I know not a thing about the sport lol. There is still so much more to plan and go on with that, but we are really at the beginning stages so there really isn't much to post about that right now.
Although we are still having to turn in some paperwork we were told that we will still have our profile book shown to birth mothers ... so honestly we could get the call ANY DAY! Gosh that scares me lol. I know that God's got this all taken care of ... but being totally real right now ... I have to admit that I am scared that we are going to get the call before we have a chance to raise all of our money ... what do we do then? This is when I have to completely not even think about ANYTHING at all or I will just fret over the what if's of this whole process and literally make myself ill. So ... here's me attempting to forget about the craziness going on in our life right now. ;0)
This past week I've just had a chance to kind of have some time to try and process how crazy big this time in our life is right now. And just how much I really really want this. How adoption has grown so much in my heart I can't even imagine it never being apart of me before. How if anything came in the way of us adopting now that we are so close I would be completely heart broken. It just all became very real to me how my heart has changed over the last couple of years. How I never thought my heart would stop yearning for a child of my own. And although I believe that desire will always be there ... it's not taking the #1 spot in my heart right now. I WANT to adopt more than anything ... and I already can't wait for the next adoption adventure God is going to take us on after we meet our first little miracle. We are seriously blessed beyond words ... and I am forever thankful for the beautiful journey God has us on right now.
We are currently partnering up with another organization at our church to host a golf tournament in January to help raise some money for our adoption. I'm super excited about the amazing things that could come from this event .... even though I know not a thing about the sport lol. There is still so much more to plan and go on with that, but we are really at the beginning stages so there really isn't much to post about that right now.
Although we are still having to turn in some paperwork we were told that we will still have our profile book shown to birth mothers ... so honestly we could get the call ANY DAY! Gosh that scares me lol. I know that God's got this all taken care of ... but being totally real right now ... I have to admit that I am scared that we are going to get the call before we have a chance to raise all of our money ... what do we do then? This is when I have to completely not even think about ANYTHING at all or I will just fret over the what if's of this whole process and literally make myself ill. So ... here's me attempting to forget about the craziness going on in our life right now. ;0)
This past week I've just had a chance to kind of have some time to try and process how crazy big this time in our life is right now. And just how much I really really want this. How adoption has grown so much in my heart I can't even imagine it never being apart of me before. How if anything came in the way of us adopting now that we are so close I would be completely heart broken. It just all became very real to me how my heart has changed over the last couple of years. How I never thought my heart would stop yearning for a child of my own. And although I believe that desire will always be there ... it's not taking the #1 spot in my heart right now. I WANT to adopt more than anything ... and I already can't wait for the next adoption adventure God is going to take us on after we meet our first little miracle. We are seriously blessed beyond words ... and I am forever thankful for the beautiful journey God has us on right now.
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